Spouse didn't get me a gift for milestone anniversary

I hear you: I am your spouse in this context, and my partner is you. It is a point of stress for us that we have talked about. One thing that helped both of us is the idea of love languages (you can Google it): recognizing that people have different ways of showing, and wanting to receive, love. For example, my partner likes to show love by choosing thoughtful gifts and likes to receive love by (not only me trying to recognize and honor special days but also) us spending time together. I like to show love by doing small, daily things for her and like to receive love by having her recognize and appreciate those things. Thinking about gifts within this framework has not completely relieved the stress for us around gift giving and receiving, but I think it has helped. Good luck to you!

I've found having a third party like a therapist assist in the conversation to be tremendously helpful.  My spouse is very similar to your spouse when it comes to gifting.  Sometimes I handle it better then others.  If there is a specific item or items you may want, I've found it helpful to give my spouse options.   That way they can feel like they have options and it's less transactional.   If you're more into experiences, tell them "Hey, I'd really appreciate it if you planned a weekend in tahoe(or wherever), can you make that happen for us."

I've found the best gifts are ones that can be a shared experience like a cooking class or a physical gift that facilitates a goal you may have.  Your spouse is probalby paralyzed by their fear of disappointing you and rather than ask they are doing nothing.  They just need some pointers!

From your post, it sounds like your spouse is engaged with the kids (attending lots of events!), enjoys spending time with you (nice dinner!), and with the family (family vacation!). Those are all excellent traits in a spouse! I hope that you can find ways to appreciate your spouse that doesn't involve the one thing you say your spouse is not good at--gift giving. I am in a similar relationship: I am a gift giver, it is my love language. My spouse is a horrible gift giver, and neither understands the giving nor the receiving of gifts. It took a while, but I realized this is not a hill I want to die on. My spouse is a loving husband, an involved father, and an all round great guy. We have a very good marriage; I just to recognize that he shows his love in different ways, and I had to stop looking for love expressed in gifts. Nowadays for special occasions I will take him shopping and point out what I want. I have even added gifts to our shared amazon cart. When it arrives, unwrapped of course, I act all happy and surprised. At the end of the day, I'd rather have a good husband than good gifts. 

Hi there! I wonder if one of your love languages is gift giving which is why this is so important to you. That’s perfectly okay and nothing to feel badly about! Also sounds like you’re very good at planning :)  First, I would say the fact that your spouse feels terrible when he gives you a “dud” means he cares greatly about how you feel. I would recommend a couple things: 

1. Do bring it up to them, but in a way that uses the framework outlined in Nonviolent Communication. You can say, “I have a need to celebrate our anniversary with gifts because it makes me feel loved. I would super appreciate it if we could exchange gifts next time, even if it’s before or after the actual anniversary date…” or something to that effect. I strongly recommend this book, it was a game changer for my relationship! By doing this you are just stating what you need and not casting any blame on your partner nor assuming they had any poor intentions. 
   
   2. As someone who also experiences depression I would want to know if something is bothering my partner. I would definitely bring it up since you don’t want it to fester. This could hurt your relationship and make it worse off for both you and your partner. Communication is key. What you can do though is be sensitive about the timing and delivery of your request and also be okay with whatever their answer is. For example, if they’re having a particularly bad day maybe that’s not the best time to bring it up. Or if your partner is more receptive to communicating via writing or even on the phone those are other options too. 
   3. Lastly, this may be challenging - but maybe rethink what presents you consider a dud? You could just try to focus on the thought that your spouse went out of your way to get you something. Or alternatively, you can both create Amazon wish lists of things you actually want and both have access to so you can just buy something off that next time you need to buy gifts for each other! Or you can create a Pinterest board that your spouse follows so he knows what you like. Lots of creative options out there! 
   
   Best of luck, pls don’t be too hard on yourself. Also remember you are not in charge of solving your spouse’s depression. You can’t fix it for them, you can only help them help themselves. On another note, cognitive behavioral therapy has been most helpful to me in combatting depression. This book explains it: Feeling Good. 

A technique that’s worked for me (never had good gifting intuition and don’t feel the value of gifts myself) is getting into contact with a “body double” (close friend or relative of the giftee who is very good at picking gifts for the giftee). I also set reminders (calendars and alarms) several weeks in advanced to set up a call with that contact to pick out a gift together and have accountability for ordering it to ensure it arrives on time. You could try building up some scaffolding by helping your spouse set up reminders ahead of time in whichever way works best for them, and putting them in contact with a friend of yours who always nails the gifts for you? If the surprise element is important to you, you could even coach a friend of yours to fully own the gifting process including setting the reminders and calling your spouse, so that you have no part in it. I have also noticed when it’s busy at home, there’s really no stress-free time to bring up criticism gently. In that case I try to schedule a “decompress and reflect” time after kid bedtime to make space for these kinds of conversations. It’s hard, I know. 

Does it really make you “sad” that you don’t receive a present/gift on your anniversary? Of all the things going on in the world the fact that your spouse and family are alive seems like the greatest gift to me. Why don’t you stop going out of your way. It’s apparent from what you’ve written that they are unable to reciprocate in the way you are expecting and giving. Not saying any thing only fosters resentment. I think you need to look at your expectations v reality. Maybe you are putting too much pressure on receiving gifts. Then when you don’t like it (read: doesn’t live up to your expectations) they feel crappy. What a nightmare. I think you plan trips and nice dinners because you want to. If you’re always keeping score and expecting something in return then it takes the joy out of it. 

Yes yes yes. Bringing it up. Talk to them. Practice the conversation so it won’t turn into argument. Don’t let it fester! Your feeling matters!

Yes I think you should talk about this! I have a similar vibe in my marriage and I realized that those gifts and recognition of milestones are just more important to me than to my spouse. Communicating your needs is the only way your spouse will know what you want them to do. It doesn’t sound romantic but really just give them a heads up “our ten year anniversary is coming up. I think it would be nice if we exchanged gifts. What do you think?”  And then your spouse can tell you “I never know what to buy” or “I’m worried we are spending too much” or “I don’t like swapping gifts can we do something else instead?”  Honestly, every year a week before Mother’s Day I tell my son “I would really like you to make me a card for Mother’s Day” and tell my family what activity I would like to do as a family. We would not do anything if I didn’t bring it up and I would be resentful but they are just wired differently and care about different things and they are happy to celebrate if I remind them. 

As someone who has been happily married for 45, years, I can discuss our experiences around gifts.

We have gone through phases. 

Our situation may differ from yours, in that I don't much desire a present unless it is something that I really want. I found a way to re-home all the stuff from my MIL, may she RIP, who measured love and loyalty as cubic yards of manufactured plastic junk.

In the beginning, I would give my spouse one big expensive gift on special occasions - while I could afford it.

Then the kids came, and money became tight. Frequently he had no clue as to what I wanted.  For years he made a good-faith effort to get me some thing, and it would often be jewelry in a style that I did not care to wear.

It dawned on me that he could not possibly intuit my taste, any more than I could comprehend his willingness to watch awful action movies. It's a gender thing.

I made the decision that, like in Improv comedy, I would say "Yes!   How wonderful!" to whatever he came up with, and he would feel relieved that he had done his duty.

Now that we have a lot of stuff and don't want to accumulate any more, I give him a bunch of small or consumable items on each occasion, and he feels appreciated.

My husband knows I am a big reader, so he and our adult kids buy me heaps of books, typically ones that I am not interested in reading. I told them to please not use Amazon, but support independent bookstores.  For the last couple of gift occasions I have surreptitiously returned most of the books to the bookstore - with no receipt! - exchanged the books without saying anything, and everyone was happy,

In your case, you evidently feel a sense of attachment to receiving a special gift on key occasions and a sense of loss when your partner falls short.  You are entitled to your feelings.

Perhaps at a suitable moment, you could ask your partner how THEY want to handle gift occasions.  Could you set some ground rules?

Which is more important - the element of surprise, the suitability of the gift in terms of matching what you want to receive, the value?  One gift or several?

If you can ask your partner how s/he wants to handle gift occasions, then voice your own preferences, it will clear the air.

It would perhaps be helpful if you can say clearly what you want.  Give your partner a blueprint.

Maybe your partner flaked on getting you something this time because s/he feared that they would fail.

Finally, for me it has been a relief to let go of wanting gifts.  As someone else wrote, if you are happy in your relationship and your family is healthy, diamonds and rubies are small stuff indeed.  

Still, it is important to celebrate holidays and life's incremental occasions.  What works for me is timely minimalism. But I do me, and you do you.

Hope this is helpful.

Loving and, as another parent suggested, “nonviolent” (e.g. “ I felt sad when…” rather than “You made me sad when…”) Communication is always a win in my own relationship. Sometimes you learn new things about your partner and it can help to see a situation differently. 

Wishing you the best!

This sounds hard! It sounds like you know your spouse really well and also you know yourself — a great start. 
A helpful communication framework for me in this kind of moment is to separate the problem (your feelings are hurt) from the solution (should your partner try to get you a gift, even if it stresses them out?)

1. what happened: it was a major anniversary and you made an effort to show your love and appreciation, and your partner did not.
2. How did you feel: disappointed, maybe neglected, or taken for granted, sad, angry?

3. Why is this important: showing love (or more specifically, buying gifts) for each other on milestone anniversaries is important to you because ______ .

   Once you are clear with yourself about these 3 points, you can ask your partner if they can make some space to listen to you share your responses to the 3 above steps — without them trying to solve the problem or act defensively and spiral into shame. I like it when my partner can say “that sounds like it felt crappy!”

   If after all that, you are ready to do some problem solving, I wonder if there are other ways besides gifts that your partner is good at showing you that they love and appreciate you — and I would encourage those actions. Maybe you can make gift giving less fraught by taking it out of the context of high pressure events and make gift giving something they do on Tuesdays. Or the full moon. Something small and silly. Or maybe you could be direct and tell them what you’d like! There are so many ways to take the pressure off. 
   Good luck to you!

This is hard. My spouse is a pretty lazy gift giver to be honest, even when provided with a wishlist (always waits until the last minute, thinks that giving any gift is equal to giving a gift that is wanted, etc). We’ve had multiple discussions about this, and I’m not sure that they’ve really helped a ton. Now that our kids are slightly older, they participate in the shopping and that has helped some because they won’t let him buy some random lotion set that I would never use. Basically, if I don’t get something that I like or will use, I will just buy something for myself. But yes, as much as I try to let go after all of these years, it can be disappointing. 

If there is something that you would really like as an anniversary gift, I suggest mentioning it to your spouse directly. Best of luck! 

I want to chime in late with a different point of view. Not everyone out here gives gifts to their spouses on anniversaries, or expects gifts back, milestone or not. I've been married to my guy for 25+ years and there have been exactly zero anniversaries when either of us gave a gift, card, flowers, or anything else. As a matter of fact if we didn't have a shared google calendar, and if my OCD spouse did not log every single birthday, holiday, and countless other events on that calendar, neither one of us would even know it was time to say happy anniversary. Doesn't mean we don't love each other or care about each other's feelings. We just don't value ceremonial trading of objects. 

To be totally honest, my husband and I are also both terrible at gifting.  When we really must buy a gift, like for someone's wedding, we always come up with the worst ideas that we regret for a long time afterwards. We love gift registries and those send-us-money requests kids do now on wedding announcements. We both buy our own Xmas gifts and wrap them as a show for the kids, or else send links in November to what we want. Our best friends always get us the most thoughtful and creative Xmas gift every year.  We really can't NOT get them a gift. After weeks of agonizing we settle on something lame and embarrassing. We try, we fail, year after year. Luckily they are really good friends and they know us well so they have low expectations. 

I can't imagine how stressful it would be if I were married to someone who expected me to acknowledge every significant date, and I especially can't imagine the pressure of having to think of something  extra special for a big anniversary. It's making me sweat just thinking about it!