Preadolescent awake at night, says she doesn't need sleep
I'm very concerned about my preadolescent who claims she "doesn't need sleep" and I frequently wake up horrified to find her up when I thought she was in bed. She has always had sleep issues: night terrors when she was small, talking in her sleep, alternating between insomnia/hypersomnia, etc.
These days she will sneak technology, such as taking back her phone or trying to negate some rules of mine, like being on the chrome book (required for school) in the night. She did homework for two weeks in advance and was drawing when I discovered her awake at 4:30 this am.
Resources I've found so far include: an empirically proven machine that helps regulate depression, anxiety and insomnia; I've put in a call to the UC neuropsych clinic to have her evaluated; and I plan to get Disney Circle to give an externally imposed curfew. Her father is not a resource... unfortunately. Anyone who has "gone through this" would be very appreciated.
In addition to the insomnia, other concerns are the fact that she now refuses any food with nutritional value in favor of starch like cup o noodles, the fact that she will turn on me on a dime and start cussing or hitting, the typical noncompliance like my asking her over a period of four hours to scoop the kitty litter or feed him. She loves and gives him attention, but part of that love is taking responsibility, a foreign concept. This may seem normal, but it is extreme to me, lying and saying she's done it included. When I confront her,?expletives. This is a very hard time, and she is hard to handle alone! Thank you.
Parent Replies
I am glad to hear you are looking at getting her evaluated, it does sound as if she has a mental health issue. I recommend searching her room for drugs as well. I’ve known several people who acted in very similar ways and unfortunately they were all taking both uppers and downers.
She needs to be evaluated by a child psychiatrist. I think your instincts are on target - she may or may not be bipolar, but something is amiss. In the meantime, suggest you put all electronics in your room until Circle is set up, talk to her about what sleep actually does - see if reason might help. Perhaps give her very low dose gummy melatonin (for a week or so only). I'd push fast to have her evaluated by a psychiatrist and also alert her pediatrician immediately and potentially meet with them first. Sometimes listening to a non parent adult can help ...
It's really good that you're reaching out for help. First of all, you're not alone--there are many parents out here that have dealt with all manner of pre-teens and teenagers who appear to be troubled or are spinning out of control. I'll mention some resources at the end of this message in case you'd like to meet other parents for support, to learn about resources, and to hear about strategies they've tried. It can be helpful to meet other diligent, loving parents who have read all the right books and are learning to face the challenges of parenting challenging children. It sounds like you already understand the risks of sleep disturbance and are seeking solutions. I concur that melatonin is a good place to start while you're looking into other approaches to deal with the situation overall. Matthew Walker, author of WHY WE SLEEP, advises taking the melatonin around two hours before bedtime, I believe. It's good that you're already on the list at UC for a neuropsychological evaluation. They tend to get busy in the summer--but their waiting list can often go more quickly than they predict--and they're half the price of other places. In terms of some of the behavioral issues that you've mentioned that are more troublesome (cussing, hitting, refusing to comply with technology limits), I wonder if getting some immediate support for you might not be helpful. I’ve found that working with a parent coach is really helpful in terms of learning how to stay calm and reclaim parental authority, two things that can elude us when our children are extra challenging. I’ve worked with parent coach, Inge Jechart: she’s been working with me on a consistent parenting model. Just having someone to talk through strategies and approaches with is a huge relief. I’m sure there are more coaches out there, too. Inge’s contact info is: 925-963-6439. We’ve also had good “coaching” experiences with both Karen and Erica at Clear Water Clinic and at Coyote Coast Youth and Family Counseling—both of these latter programs cost more than individual coaching because you’re involving the whole family.
It can be really helpful to partner up with a coach that has a grounded, consistent parenting philosophy--and is there to help you through tough moments. Literally, you can call her up for additional help in the moment--or just to vent so you can regain your footing and be there for your daughter. Coaching is often a cheaper route than therapy, though not a replacement (just more hands on.) There are also two free support groups coming up over the next two weekends run by Willows in the Wind (see below). I wish you all the best--this being a parent can be painful--and you'll need to take ultra good care of yourself to bring all the grace you can to a difficult situation.
Oakland Meeting
Saturday, March 17, 2018
Time: 1:00 - 3:00 PM
Location: Kaiser Medical Building
3600 Broadway, Lower Level, Conference Room C
Oakland, CA, 94611
Meeting Details San Rafael:
When: Sunday, March 25, 2018
Time 1:00 - 3:00 PM
Location: 1104 Lincoln Avenue
San Rafael, CA.
Since you mention sleep--and she appears to be sleep deprived, you might want to have a sleep study. Look for apnea. There good be airway issues. There is a video promoting airway dentristy called Finding Conor Deegan https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZX5s4WNXK3M. It focuses on a younger child, but some of the behaviors are similar.
I think you are creating this problem. You are asking her over and over again for hours to scoop the kitty litter? Stop that! Leave her alone. Scoop the kitty litter yourself. She has enough to deal with. It is important for parents to pick their battles. Don't fight about the dishes, or how clean her room is, or the kitty litter. Instead, find things she is doing right and compliment her. Such as, "It is so sweet the way you love that cat!" I suppose you could have her evaluated. But I think it is much more important that you learn how to parent. You need to read books, take classes and talk to a therapist. Your strict parenting is not working. It is causing her to rebel. You need to change your ways.
As the parent of an 18 y.o. who was just diagnosed with bipolar I think you are wise to get a thorough evaluation by a psychiatrist (and maybe more than one). For our child the sleeping problems (starting around age 12) were a precursor. Teen and pre-teen behavior is so erratic, it is difficult to know what to be concerned about, but better safe than sorry.
My son has had serious bouts with insomnia - after adjusting his medication, we are in a much better place, but I would say his ages 7-8 were a blur for all of us, with what you describe - refusal to fall asleep (which looks like defiance, but was ultimately figured out to be severe anxiety), then long, looong periods of wakefulness in the middle of the night. I wouldn't jump to a diagnosis of bipolar, but I would start with an urgent call to your pediatrician to get a referral. Not sure that UC neurospsych is going to be the right resource but I can't give you another name as we are with Kaiser. The sleeplessness can create all sorts of other problems, like the lethargy and anger you describe. The food issue could even be connected as her body is starved for rest, maybe carbs are all that sound good. Get that girl some sleep, and then explore her issues from there. Good luck.