Advice for dealing with thorny in-law situation
Ever since my daughter and her cousin (who’s about the same age) were little, their aunt – my sister-in-law – has been telling them that when they turn 16 she would take them on a trip to London. My daughter is kind, smart, and funny, but can be moody and get flustered easily (not all the time, but often enough that she’s not an “easy” kid). She’s recently been diagnosed with high-functioning autism.
Now that they ARE of age, my SIL took my niece to London, just the two of them. She never discussed this with my spouse, my daughter, or me; we learned a few months ago from my mother-in-law that this London trip (minus my daughter) was going to happen. My in-laws all seem to pretend like it wasn’t this thing my SIL talked about repeatedly while the kids were younger.
I feel hurt on behalf of my child, and I’m trying to find a way to forgive and move on. I can’t get the image out of my mind of my daughter’s face when we all heard that her aunt was taking her cousin on that London trip. She seemed stunned but too embarrassed to bring up the fact that this was a trip her aunt said she’d do with both kids. I've come close to talking it over with my daughter, but don't know how to discuss it with her without making her feel even worse.
My niece seems to have a special bond with my SIL; she’s a wonderful kid and I love her, and I understand that it’s natural to have “favorites.” At the same time, I feel like it would have been nicer had my SIL raised the issue with my spouse ahead of time, or better yet, planned a trip with my niece somewhere else, just not London – that special destination she talked about with the kids repeatedly as they were growing up. To go ahead on this trip with the “easy” kid and not my daughter seems selfish and inconsiderate. (This isn’t an issue of finances. My SIL knows we could afford to pay all our daughter’s expenses for this trip if it were to have happened.)
Until recently I was fond of my SIL. However, in addition to this situation, she’s done a couple of other things in the past year that seemed uncharacteristically selfish and inconsiderate. Maybe she’s just not as wonderful as she used to be, or I’m just too sensitive. Regardless, we’ll be seeing her soon and I need to find a way to coexist. Any input on this, or how to discuss it with my daughter, would be welcome.
Parent Replies
I'd use this as an opportunity to explain that adults have flaws, too. I'd probably be forthright with my kids about *my* disappointment that SIL not only did not follow through on her lifetime promises but that SIL also has some maturity issues in that she did not seek to be open about the change of heart/plans. I'd tell my kids that they will come across people in their lives who seems all roses and a lovely friend but then fail to deliver.
Hello
I'm so sorry that you, your husband and your daughter had to experience this. Unfortunately, most people are ignorant about disabilities and have to be coached on how to be inclusive and accommodating. This is especially difficult since your daughter only recently received a diagnosis and your family hasn't had years to adjust. It's too bad your SIL didn't think to talk to you about how to accommodate your daughter on the trip so that she could be successful. She probably didn't realize how much she hurt you and your daughter (and probably your husband).
I would gently and kindly talk to my sister-in-law, explaining my daughter's diagnosis and how her actions affected my family. I would then talk to my daughter and acknowledge that her aunt broke her promise and that she behaved badly. Yes! It's ok to tell our kids when the adults in their lives have failed. Your daughter did nothing wrong and someone needs to make that clear to her. She deserves all the happiness in the world.
I would then take my daughter on an amazing trip to Europe!
Very important: Please be sure to educate your entire family about autism and how they can help and love your daughter in the way she needs. Share this beautiful video explaining autism. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JdCY-cdgkI
Hugs to you and your family.
XO Sharon
I think the best way to start a conversation with your daughter is to open up about your own feelings. Then let her talk about how she feels. You really have no control over this aunt and what she says or does. In fact, it is pretty weird to make a promise about something to happen ten years in the future. Who does that? I would just suggest you be polite and distant when you see her. Spend your time conversing with others if at all possible.
I gather it's your husband's sister? Getting his insight would be useful.
Of course you are furious on your daughter's behalf. But the key here isn't that SIL didn't take her on a trip, it's that she gave your daughter expectations and made promises that she later broke without notice or acknowledgement, and is pretending nothing happened.
I think this is an issue that you should first talk over with your spouse and then the two of you with your SIL. (That is, if spouse is able to be part of such a talk--you haven't mentioned him.) There may be more to the story than you know--perhaps friction between the two cousins? In which case of course your SIL would have to put her daughters' desires first.
Explain that your daughter is hurt and explore ways to mend fences and improve the relationship.
wait, sorry. The sister-in-law is not the cousin's mom?
In this case, I probably wouldn't act cool and distant as another parent suggested only because it's a very close blood relative to the child. I would try talking to her openly first since this is better modeling for the daughter on how to deal with conflict with relatives.
Did the trip already happen? If not, maybe you can talk to her and offer to go along with your daughter so it is the 4 of you going to London and you can help supervise your daughter? It is definitely inconsiderate of the SIL to take your niece to London after discussing it with both girls, though I can understand not wanting to take a difficult teen out of the country. My parents regularly take my middle child camping and to other trips while not taking the older one because the middle child is easy and very well behaved while the older one is very active and they say they are not comfortable being responsible for the older one out in the wild or far away from home. He is also not a bad kid, just active boy who likes to run and play and does not always listen well. The older one gets upset but I told him that if he wants to go he needs to show them that he can behave very well for several days and so far he was not able to do so. I imagine taking a teen out of the country without parents along is even more scary if she does not feel that she can properly supervise and control her. Saying that a trip to Spain, France or any other European destination with the one niece would have been more considerate, though I doubt she did it on purpose to upset your niece and likely just did not think about it. I would likely just let it go and pretend it did not happen since she did not have an obligation to take your daughter to London and was entitled to change her mind and if your kid really wants to go maybe plan a trip to London with her yourself to make up for it.
I’m so sorry. I have an amazing kid that can be challenging to others. I have lost friendships.
First, I think at your daughter’s age it is appropriate and important to model the loss with her. A promise was broken. An amazing trip was denied. You could tell your daughter that you were sad and angry when you heard the news and give her the space to express her hurts.
Your SIL may very well love your daughter deeply but does not have the social-emotional skills to admit she can’t handle both teens. Just as you struggle to find a way to discuss the rejection with your daughter, your SIL may have been unable to say to you or your daughter that it would be too much for her. Maybe she is feeling guilty so she is not at her best.
Maybe a special trip with your SIL and your daughter could happen in the future.
I know I’m perhaps being too positive but truly the people that have behaved the worst to me and my daughter are the people with the most limitations and the fragilest egos.
Focus on the friends and family that can accept your family as you are. I have had to initiate more than I am used to in order to create events, outings, and vacations that work for everyone. It is possible.
My brother and SIL - I don’t do anything with just them. I turn down their occasional invites because it would be a train wreck. I’m protecting my family. I don’t talk to them about it because they wouldn’t understand.
Maybe your SIL will be in that category. Maybe you can talk to her in a way she can hear and understand your hurt. Maybe not.
Best wishes, families are so hard.
Thanks, everyone, for the kind and thoughtful replies. The support from this community is a real comfort.
To clarify: My SIL doesn't have children herself. She is my husband's sister. He has another sister, whose daughter was the one who went on the London trip with her aunt.
Thank you again for your valuable input!