8 month old has always preferred dad and is getting worse
I have an 8 month old daughter who will be 9 months in a week's time. She was born by C-section, as she was breech and has never managed to latch on. I pump expressed for 4 months and a week, but it took a long time to express the milk and the pump wasn't even efficient, even though it was sold as hospital grade in terms of efficiency. As a consequence, I was tied to a pump for 6 hours every 24 and had to wake up once or twice a night. I was very tired, especially in the mornings. I stayed at home with my daughter until she was 4 and a half months, when she started day care. My husband was always very involved and she spent quite a lot of time with him as well and it was great seeing them bonding so well. To make matters worse, I fell down the stairs in the house when she was 7 weeks old , which limited me immensely in the care for her, as I suffered from neck and back pain for months. Only in the last week and after a lot of physiotherapy have I been feeling better. I still did what I could and insisted on feeding her, getting her up and putting her to bed, but things like nappy changing were very challenging. I have started to notice her preference for her dad when she was around 3 months. Simple things such as staring solely at him when we were both around her in her changing table. In the last month things got a lot worse. If we are both next to her in her play area, she will hold on to his neck and "kiss" him (as much as an 8 month old can), put her head on his lap, crawls to him when she sees him and enjoys thoroughly being next to him. She beams happiness. She will sometimes come near me, maybe one for every ten times she holds on to my husband, but she very rarely touches me. It is like there is a barrier and she just turns back before she reaches out for me. If we are on our own, she will mostly ignore me. I spend whole afternoons trying to play with her on weekends, but she only gets excited when dad enters the room. I don't know what else to do. I do as much as I can. I have read a lot about babies and especially toddlers developing a preference at one stage or another and how this is only a phase. However, I am worried that this is not a phase, as she has always favored him from her early months. I am desperate for advice and feeling quite rejected. But mostly I am worried about the future and that it will get a lot worse, as things have changed so much in the last month. It is bad enough having to hear my mother-in-law tell me that girls will always prefer their dads and that is how she always felt in regards to her own dad. Has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks in advance! RT
Parent Replies
First of all, you've had a tough start and shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Second, please don't think it is "bad" or "worse" that your daughter is so attached to her dad; when a child has a strong, positive bond with a parent, everyone benefits. I can't speak to your specific experience because I was able to breastfeed (most of the time) the first 10 months, but during that time I was never able to snuggle or play with her much because if she was in contact with me she was only interested in eating so her dad was the recipient of all the snuggles. Human babies don't "imprint' the way some animals do; she won't reject you for life because she has a more overt bond with her dad now. As parents we always have to meet our kids more than halfway and so long as you do that, rather than detaching or expressing displeasure, your bond with her will establish itself. I have only one child and have that impulse to try to make every step of the way "ideal" since I won't get another chance, but there is no ideal; it all just unfolds and you learn to roll with it. Do the best you can and don't worry.
I highly recommend reading Janet Lansbury- she had two easy- to- read books, or you can find her on Facebook and read her articles there. This is normal and your baby loves you. Janet gives good advice to help you feel confident again and restore the relationship. Hang in there!
first of all, i just want to say my heart goes out to you. this is especially hard because of course your want your daughter to love your husband but you also want to feel she loves you. and not feeling that from your baby can be heartbreaking.
ok now i'm going to give you some advice that i hope will help. i'm both an adoptive mom and a bio mom. my oldest daughter came home to us at 16 months and i had to do a lot of work to get her to bond to me. but it's doable. here are some things i was instructed to do that really helped.
SKIN TO SKIN--this is huge for bonding. both of you get as naked as you can--fine to leave her diaper on. and just spend time this way. if she resists this, the best place to be is the bathtub. you have to hold on to her there. i lay back and put my girl on top of my chest and snuggle her. but you can even start with her back to you if that what she insists on. just get your skins touching as much as possible. make this a daily ritual if you can. or every other day. have your husband help get her in with you and out but otherwise be out of the room. sing to her, stoke her back and legs. play this little piggy. just use this time to adore her. also if you can do a baby/mama swim class, this is another great way to get lots of skin to skin time. and it's fun.
FEEDING--skin to skin is also great to do during feeding. take off your shirt and have her in a diaper and rock and feed. also, eye contact while feeding is huge. if she looks away, remove the bottle till she looks back at you. then resume feeding. when you feed her food, get her to look at you first as you put the food in her mouth. sing songs, talk in a happy voice to her as you feed her. this is HUGE. you may want to be the primary feeder for a while. your husband can always step back in later, but right now you are focused on increasing her bond to you.
PLAY--lots of it. some babies enjoy more active play. i also have an 8 month old and she loves for me to hold her in my arms and swing her around, or bounce her, or dip her. babies love this sensory experience of being swung, dipped, etc-- it meets an important sensory need. and anything that brings excitement that is related to mama play is huge. also do peek a boo--again it's exciting to them and promotes eye contact.
Listen to her--listen to her when she cries. stay close to her. sometimes we don't even realize that we move away or have shut down body language when our babies/children are upset. listening to your child is one of the most powerful things you can do for them. i learned this through some parenting by connection coaching. you don't have to solve the problem, just be close, offer cuddles, make your voice empathetic. say things like "i'm going to stay with you till you feel better. i'm right here> mama's here. it's ok to be sad, mad, frustrated." babies understand so much more than we give them credit for. and showing them empathy in their tough moments is crucial for bonding.
there aremany resources online around promoting healthy attachment and games you can play. you can also check out AHA parenting or parenting by connection sites. these have helped me SO much! also you can look for a parenting by connection or hand in hand parenting coach. i worked with one and she helped me immensely. good luck! email me directly if you have other q's! rmprince77 [at] gmail.com
I wish I had better news for you...I have two daughters, ages almost 2 and almost 5. They are *both* true "daddy's girls." Oh, ho it crushed me once we discovered this with my first daughter, at around the same age yours is now. I was beyond devastated. Really. I feel your pain. I too wrote a BPN post about it! So I am not going to write that it will pass, because, guess what: it may not. I favored my mother from the time I was an infant, and it wasn't until I was almost 40(!) that I really gave him a fair shake, and, guess what, he is now my go-to confidante, and I regret all of the years that I focused solely on my mother. Sometimes we just click with one parent more than we do with the other: the same way we do with people in general. After the experience with my first, I was shocked and slightly horrified to watch it repeating itself with my second, but it is what it is. I do think that I will reap the benefits of having a daughter later on in life (or at least that's what I tell myself). What I have learned is that although my older daughter does not ooh and aah about me as she does about my husband, she truly loves me and needs me, in certain ways that are often more deep and important than her father. Theirs will likely be a less complicated relationship as my daughter grows older, but I suspect that ours might be more nuanced and deep. Who knows/ What I do know is that it took me over 4 years to move past the hurt and jealousy, but I feel much more at peace about it, and about mothering in general, now. I wish you the best of luck. Feel free to get in touch directly if you want an ear. I have sooo (and still am!) been there!
My husband and I split child care pretty evenly, and at times my daughter showed a strong preference for her Dad, who is a much more playful person than I am. However, as my daughter got older and her needs more complicated, she seemed to decide her Dad was her favorite in some situations (play-time, movies) and I was her favorite in others (boo-boos, talking about feelings, chatting). For me, the upside of having an involved father far outweighs the downside of not always being the favorite parent.
I'm sure you are feeling so sad/worried/demoralized, but please know that things do change! In reading your post, one idea popped into my head: is it possible that your daughter is feeling overwhelmed or turned off by your attempts to connect with her? It might possibly be that you are trying too hard whereas your husband is not! Babies really do pick up on this energy. I know, because my son with autism is difficult to engage with (in NO way am I suggesting your daughter has autism!) and when adults try really hard to connect with him by being more fun/loving/exciting, he tends to shut down a bit. He definitely prefers calmer adults who don't have an agenda. And when the unsuccessful adult feels unsuccessful, then my son picks up on that negative energy, too! So there's a vicious cycle that happens...
Could you ask an impartial adult to observe the differences in the ways you and your husband interact with your daughter? Perhaps that could be a key to solving this problem. In the meantime, I would try to DO less with your daughter! I know that goes against everything some folks tell us to do with our babies, but just try it for a little bit. Talk less, emote less, move less. Just be and let her come to you!
My older daughter also showed a preference for my husband over me very early on. He was also very involved in her childcare but I spent more time with her since I am a stay at home mom and he works all day. I think some babies are just naturally more attracted to one parent than the other. I have at times felt very rejected and it's made me sad but as time goes on she's showing less of a preference. It's still there at 2 and a half years old but much less than it was. She sometimes comes to me instead of him and she's able to show she loves me too more than she could as an infant. I've come to accept that I'm raising at least one daddy's girl.