Favoring One Parent Over the Other: Babies

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Questions

• 7 month old only wants his father
• 9 month old always favors daddy
• 3mo suddenly won't be soothed by dad
• 6 mos old more attached to dad than mom
• 8mo daughter favors her father over me
• 10mo baby prefers everyone over mom
• 11mo Baby Prefers Dad
• 1yo Loves Dad More - Mom's jealous

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7 month old only wants his father

Jan 2011

I am a stay at home mom of a 7 month old boy. I feel that I have practiced attachment parenting - he has been exclusively breastfed until recently when we started introducing solids, we co-sleep, I carry and/or wear him daily, he has only been watched by someone other than his grandmother or father twice in his life. Yet recently he has started to show a very strong preference for his father. My husband is a wonderful and very involved parent and I am thrilled that my son has bonded with him but I am starting to feel very rejected. My son rarely smiles or laughs for me like he does for his father. When I hold him, he reaches for his father. He will cry sometimes when I hold him but calm down as soon as my husband holds him. He still nurses wonderfully but when he is finished eating, he pushes me away and looks for his dad. I am trying to be mature about it but am starting to feel very unappreciated and sad. I have even contemplated just going back to work. Has anyone else had this experience? Am I doing something wrong? Missing my mama's boy

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We went through the exact same thing - I'm also a big fan of attachment parenting, and my now 10-month old became his dad's biggest fan for awhile at around 7-8 months...though he's since moved into more of an equal preference mode. After I got past the initial hurt/sadness, I realized that it showed how secure he was - the babies that I've seen that I would characterize as ''less secure'' (Admittedly a judgment on my part!) wanted only mommy all the time, and never made the natural move beyond the mommy-only phase (which I've been told happens at about 4 months, again at 9-10 months, and again at 2-3 years). It did sting a bit when he first started preferring dad to me, but at the same time, I love that he feels confident enough in me to be able to expand his boundaries this way. I think all the holding, cuddling and co-sleeping is paying off, because he's not afraid that I'm going to go away if he leaves me for his dad. It also really helped his Dad to bond more deeply with him. :)I know this first small step of independence hurts a bit...but I truly believe that it shows how healthy your baby's attachment is! Samantha

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It's totally a phase. My son went through the same thing around that time and I remember being jealous then too. And then it passed. So don't worry and be glad that your baby is bonded ot his dad! Lisa

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My son, who is now 14 months, went through a similar phase, but it was only for a brief time, say maybe a month or so, at a similar age as yours. It was very hard for me also and of course brought up lots of issues. My husband reassured me a lot during that time, saying things like ''He needs you more than anyone else in the world right now'' and ''Just keep loving him, no matter what''. Hearing those two reminders over and over again helped me immensely, as I was so sleep deprived and feeling rejected and confused and wanting to give up. Hold tight, it will shift soon. Just focus on the love you feel and don't take it personally. If things continue to be difficult, and you are able to, I would seek some therapy help. Your baby can't afford to feel rejected by you because you feel rejected by him/her. I hope this helps and that the love you have for your child will fuel you through this difficult transition. Getting more sleep can help, too. An empathizer

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I'm so sorry you're going through this, as I know how painful it can be. I have had very similar experiences with my son, and it has been extremely hard. Please feel free to contact me through the moderator - talking together might be helpful. Hang in there, and all my best to you. mama hanging in there too

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9 month old always favors daddy

June 2009

This isn't really a problem, or shouldn't be, and sounds really selfish. But my 9 month old daughter just adores her father and seems to be not really bothered about me! If it's just me and her, or me and her out together she wants her mum, but if my husband's here all she wants is Daddy. She crawls around the house after him, and if I go to take her from his arms she shies away and hides her head in his shoulder. She's even been known to cry when i take her from him. And if she's in my arms and he cames close she reaches out to go to him! He can also make her laugh hysterically at the slightest thing, and while she smiles at her mum I really have to work hard to get a laugh.

It's not really a problem, and I'm happy that she is a healthy and happy baby, but I'm with her 24/7, I feed her, change her, bath her and put her to sleep. Selfishly, shouldn't I be popular??

Has anyone else experienced this? Will it last forever? I really hate that she turns away from way or cries. Emma

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Oh boy, that happened to me, too, when my daughter was about a year old, and it really hurt. BUT, it was a phase. Soon I fell back into favor or was at least accepted. Then it was my husband who fell out of favor and he got jealous. So in my own experience these things come and go in waves. Now I know to take advantage of those times when she's favoring daddy and reclaim some personal time. Hope this helps. fellow mama

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3mo suddenly won't be soothed by dad

March 2002

I have a 3 1/2 month old daughter who I breastfeed and stay home with. My husband (her daddy) has been very interactive and participatory from birth. He spends a lot of the time on the weekends with her and I usually leave her with him a couple of times a week for about an hour, during the evening. Suddenly about 3 weeks ago she decided that she won't take the bottle (of breastmilk) that I've left for her so, she would be hungry and refuse the bottle and only get herself upset. Plus, it's in the evening so she's overtired anyway so she's hungry and overtired and then nothing he does will soothe her so she cries and cries. Then I'll get home he'll hand her to me and immediately she'll calm down. He hasn't been able to put her to sleep or do any of the ''soothing'' activities for the past few weeks. It's making him really sad and making me feel like I can't leave her... I'm wondering if she needs to just cry and cry with him until she figures out that he can soothe her and calm her. I want us both to be equal in her eyes - we both just love her so much! Any advice? Thanks in advance! KMH

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This happened with us too. It was hell for my husband. It only lasted a few weeks, a month at most. He ended up simply putting her in her bassinet, sometimes for as long as a 1/2 hour depending on his mood/patience. She quickly learned she can cry and be by herself or be quiet and be held by daddy. It got to the point that if she started crying and he started walking towards the bedroom, she quieted down. So, it will pass. Also, I encourage you to be able to talk about the feelings it brings up in each of you, as fully and honestly as possible in order to avert potential feelings envy and resentment. Good luck.

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I feel for your husband! It's so painful when a child has a strong preference for one parent over another! This may be the first time, but it's likely not the last.... It's hard to balance everyone's needs with a baby because sometimes it's so hard to understand what's going on. I'm guessing that your daughter is needing the stability of the connection with you and the physical safety she gets from the familiarity of your body and from nursing. This does not mean that you don't get to have any time for yourself, though you might want to consider taking that time at a time of day that is less challenging for her if that's possible.

You and your husband may also want to talk about how to be with your daughter through the feelings that come up for her around your leaving. Crying is both an expression of feelings and needs and a release of feelings. If he can stay right with her, holding her and really being present with her, I believe it can provide her the support she needs and will assist her in creating the trust and safety she needs with him. This is tricky, because I really don't believe at all in ''letting children cry it out.'' It's all in both of your attitude: don't ''leave'' her - really be with her when she's crying, and it can be healing. You may want to check out information on children's crying in Althea Solter's books, such as ''Tears and Tantrums,'' or do a search on the web under the author's name to find some articles by her. I don't like everything she's saying, but as always, take what works for you and leave the rest. Anonymous

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I am very sympathetic having dealt with the same situation you describe with both my daughters. I would try to leave the house to exercise in the evening and the baby refused to take a bottle and would cry the entire time I was gone. Niether of my girls would take a bottle willingly and we used up a lot of energy trying to get the first baby to take one which was very hard on everyone. I tried everything and asked advice from everyone who would listen because I was very claustrophobic and needed a break. One way my husband was able to deal with it was to take the baby for a walk in the Bjorn which worked for a while, but utlimately it was too stressful for me to know that it was a constant struggle for my husband to keep her from crying.

I ended up settling for taking my breaks on weekends during the day when my husband was home since it was a less fussy time for her. During the week, we went for walks as a family. After she was four months old we started giving her food (cereal) and it took another month before she was really eating it. At that point, I was able to leave her with him and know that he had something to offer her that she could take. Evenings are still a fussy time, but my now 7month old goes to bed at 7:00 and I'm able to do a 7:30pm workout.

I know how hard it is at this stage for your husband who is anxious to show support and to be nurturing when he is home. All I can say is that babies go through periods when the only want Mommy (or the primary caregiver), but it passes. I had wanted my husband and I to be equal in our kids eyes too and have found that we are ''equal'' for our two year old. But while nursing and being the primary care-giver to an infant it will be uneven at times.

My advice is to not give up trying new ways of accomodating your need for time away and your husband's and baby's need for spending time together. Your baby will be going through so many different stages in the next year that what doesn't work one day may work perfectly a month from now. It took us a while, but there's nothing better than coming home in the evening to a smiling baby and husband who says everthing went great. Don't worry - it will happen! Diana

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I sympathize with you. I had a similar problem. My husband had a hard time soothing my son and would also get very sad when he was unable to. About the only thing that would work for him was to take him outside. One day when I came home I found my husband sitting in the rocking chair with my son haphazardly strapped in to the Baby Bjorn fast asleep.

Breastfeeding makes it harder for men to sooth babies, at least that is what I found. When they are fussy with mom she can nurse them if nothing else works. Dad's do not have that option, and they are frankly less soft and swishy. You could try having your husband put on a T-shirt that you have worn to bed.

As for not taking the bottle, maybe you should work on that when you are home. It is almost impossible for my husband to sooth my son if food is not involved.

Good luck and keep breastfeeding. I have for 11 months so far and would not trade it for the world. Joelle

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You might try sleeping in a tee shirt or with a blanket at night, then have your husband drape the tee shirt or blanket over his shoulder when he holds her when you are gone. This may make her little 3 1/2 month old self feel more comforted by your maternal smell. This method has worked well for others with young babies who get babysitters or use day care. Best of luck to you for getting some time off and for your husband to continue to be such a great father and partner! anonymous

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We went through the same thing with our daughter at around the same age. I went back to work very part-time at three months and my daughter cried for the first month every time I left. In the evenings when my husband came home from work, she wanted nothing to do with him. We were both frustrated- I wanted a break, my husband wanted to bond. We solved this by me giving my daughter to my husband to hold. When she would start crying and was inconsolable, I would take her back and soothe her. I would then give her back to my husband. We would go back and forth the whole evening. We did this for about a week and it worked. I think she wanted to know that I would comfort her if she needed it and once she knew that, she was fine. It's very common, though, for babies to just want mama at this age. They will get over it, eventually. Brightstar

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My son did exactly this -- I used to leave him with his father for an hour on most evenings, so I could go for a walk, and he would cry inconsolably. My son's father has also has been very involved with him (he took a month off after the baby was born, stayed at home with us, did half of the night feedings, etc.). He too found it almost impossible to soothe him. It just went away on its own at about 5 months, and now my son loves being with his dad. It seems to me that the babies are just going through a lot of developmental changes at this point, they are exhausted in the evening, and they probably want mommy's smell as much as anything. If your husband can hang in there for a few more weeks, things will probably get a lot better. Karen

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6 mos old more attached to dad than mom

March 2009

Our six month old baby boy is way more attached to his dad than to me. It started around two months ago, when he woke up one morning and seemed to ''find'' his dad for the first time. Ever since then, our baby seems to be fascinated with my husband and is frequently content to just stare at him. I have always had to work really hard to get and keep our baby's attention - my silly faces aren't as funny or captivating as his dad's and he is way more likely to get bored or fussy when he's playing with me. He does track me when I move around the room or if he is in someone else's arms and little by little seems to be engaging with me - smiling and laughing more. He is a very social little boy and likes to stare and smile at everyone (especially men and people with dark hair). I was worried that I had done something wrong, but our pediatrician said that everything is fine and this is just a phase I'm super happy that our baby is so attached to his father, but can't help but feel a little sad when it comes to our relationship. Has anyone ever experienced anything similar? anon

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I think this is perfectly normal and even healthy. My oldest didn't do this but when I had my daughter, she went through a phase where I was #3: daddy first, then grandma, then me! I was home with her and I felt like she had a lot of attention. Even tho it did hurt my feelings, I just ignored it as best I could and it passed. I think, overall, my kids like us equally now so it's all good. Don't sweat it. Just hand jr. over to dad and go RELAX. Take advantage of the situation, Mama! Ha. mom in demand

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Take my advice: Revel in it! B/c in a few months that's all going to change and you will not have a single moment to yourself...your little one will want to be with you all the time (while you shower, going to bathroom, resting, going to the store) and if you're like a lot of my moms, you will feel guilty for disappointing them when they ''need'' you so much.

Furthermore, the better attached with dad s/he is, the easier your life will be later and less likely you're going to face tears and seemingly agony when you leave (but you will face that too).

I was very self-disciplined with my son when he was a baby and ensured that I was NOT THE ONLY one who took care of him. Dad put son to sleep, gave baths and I occasionally had nights out with friends. Now at 2, when I explain why I have to leave ''I have a meeting'' ''I have a class''. He's fine with it. But we still did go through a phase where despite all the time he got to spend w/ dad, he still desperately wanted me.

So rest assured. This is good and healthy. And babies at that age don't really give you all the ''I'm so in love with you mommy'' signs. They are discovering their world and the people in it. Right now your baby relates to You/mom as part of/an extension of themselves rather than a novelty. I wouldn't say s/he is more attached to dad, just more fascinated with. So if she wants their daddy, go have a cup of tea, go read a book and enjoy while you can.! attached mama

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The pediatrician is right - babies do go through phases where they are interested in particular people (or dogs, fish, special toys etc). Dads are often highly valued if they aren't there as much. Mothers get taken for granted. It's not a competition for love, it's part of your child's learning process. Fiona

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Answer: Yes...99.98% of dads. But, seriously, the good news is that these situations (i.e., baby/child feeling ''closer'' to one parent) are not static, but constantly shifting, depending on a whole host of factors (developmental, situational, and changes in interests). I really doubt what you are experiencing is a long-term situation. My almost-5-yr-old has already gone back and forth between ''favoring'' my wife and I about a dozen times. Hang in there! John

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My little boy who is now a pre-teen, has shown favoritism for his dad on and off throughout his life. I think a lot of it is male/male dynamic. But, as they grow older, you will find there are other things that they enjoy more with mommy than daddy. For example, my son likes to watch cooking shows with me, and hence cook with me - and he watches the latest pop crap with his dad. This is fine with me. ;)

There are cute little things that he only does with me, and his dad doesn't understand. Certain sense of humor, that is different with me than with him. Think about your own siblings or cousins or other family members that you have that special connection with and noboby else does.

There will be things that tie him to you over time. And, kids know when you're faking it. It will be the real sincere things that are unique to your personality that will be a special bond with your son, and not the same things your husband has with him. Little Boys Love Their Mommies Too!

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8mo daughter favors her father over me

April 2002

My 8 month daughter favors her father and even her 2 day a week caregiver over me. When I say ''favors'', I mean that when he walks anywhere near her, she will cry if he doesn't pick her up. She tracks him wherever he goes. She does not do this with me. Even when I nurse her in bed, after I am done, she turns from me to stare at him. The amount of time I spend with her does not seem to affect this behavior. If we have a wonderful day playing and laughing, she still ''ditches'' me when she sees him. Or, if I return from an absence, while she smiles at me she is content to stay with him. She seems equally attached to her caregiver who comes twice a week and sometimes on weekend nights. My husband works at home and is able to spend time with her during the day or in the morning. However, I spend the most time with her. I nurse her and feel we have a very good relationship. She is an easygoing, affable little soul who seems continuously happy. I like being with her and feel like she is happy with me. I tell myself how thrilled I am that my husband and she are so close, and that we have a caregiver to whom she clearly feels conected. However, deep down, I feel very sad. I always assumed most children, especially those who nurse, develope a primary bond, at least in the beginning, with their mothers, and I can't help but feel I have failed on some level. This feeling is pretty visceral and hard to ''think myself'' beyond. Has anyone else experienced this? anonymous

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My daughter who is 17 months old has also always favored her dad. Additionally, she adores her caregiver and never ever cries or seems distressed when I leave. Like you, I also have a very good relationship with my daughter. I understand your feelings about this. It has been hard for me at times but I also truly appreciate the freedom it gives me. I know so many mothers whose babies and toddlers cry when they leave and where no one else can put them to bed at night. I have no problem going to work or having a babysitter on Saturday nights. In some ways it really is a blessing. I guess the best thing is to try to have a sense of humor about it. Also, just because your daughter favors her father now doesn't mean it will be like that in the future. The great thing is that your relationship is very, very good with her. My advice would be to focus on that. Madeleine

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I had a similar problem when my daughter was about 9 months old. Instead of my husband she favored my mom, who stayed with us 2 days/week; her preference for my mom over me was * very* pronounced. She basically wanted nothing to do with me while my mom was here, except to nurse. I thought it was odd since I was an almost full-time mom, with about 10 hours a week of childcare. It hurt my feelings a bit, because I felt like a feeding machine and nothing else, but I balanced those feelings with gratitude that my mom and baby had such a strong bond. As I recall she ''preferred'' my mom for a few months, then it relaxed a bit. I think she prefers my company over anyone else's now. I'd tend to think your child is going through a similar phase, at a similar developmental time, and it will pass. You are the mother and you mean the world to your child. 8-9 months may be the time they really start to bond with others besides the mother (but I'm no expert). I can't tell you not to feel sad, but I can assure you that it will balance out in time. Christine H

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I've felt your pain. My one-year-old daughter kisses everyone but me, and this has been happening since she was about your daughter's age. She also beams when she sees her grandma, and she prefers her male relatives (daddy, uncles and cousins) over me more ofter than not. I felt sad the way you do, and I rememered how I felt about my mommy and wondered why she didn't seem to feel that way about me. But take heart - you are the center of her world. When my daughter got her first cold, I was the only one she wanted to comfort her. When she has a little hurt, she comes to me because I am her mommy. She STILL didn't kiss me goodbye when I went to work this morning, but that's okay. I know that she loves me. Christina

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I've had a similar experience in that my 1 year-old son seems to favor his dad over me. Even though I work part-time whereas his dad spends more time away from home due to work, it seems our son is more thrilled/happier being with his dad. (We have been practicing ''attachment parenting'' from birth.) When I asked other moms who had similar experiences with their children, they have told me that this is probably just a phase he is going through and that he is learning to relate to his dad in a different way. I would be lying if I said that I've never gotten insecure and sad over this situation. However, I am trying to count my blessing that my son has a very loving and wonderful dad to whom he is very well attached. Hope this helps. Monica

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Boy, your posting could have been written by me. Only difference is my daughter is 9 months old. I don't have any advice per se. Just wanted to let you know that I am having the idential experience and feelings. I'm with our daughter full time while my husband works outside the home. It is wounding but I think we must be careful not to harbor any ill feelings. They pick up on EVERYTHING. theresa

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Both of my daughters clearly favored my husband as babies. I was somewhat disconcerted when my older daughter was so clingy to him and always wanted her daddy over me. This actually persisted until my younger daughter was born, and now the older one is a ''mommy's girl'' all the way. Now my younger daughter prefers him and my older prefers me. I think the preferences go in stages, and you should not feel that it is something you are doing wrong. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your baby and your husband does too! Emily

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I was glad to read this message. Last summer, I went through a 3-month period where my then 2.3-year-old daughter sought most of her comfort from my husband when we were all together. When I was alone with her, she did want me, but when the 3 of us were all together, she preferred him. While I was truly glad that they had this connection, I felt upset and envious and then felt guilty because I felt upset and envious. It was a vicious cycle of feeling bad and I knew I had to get out of it.

I received a lot of support from my husband and friends. I was also able to start looking at it psychologically and philosophically. For one thing, I realized that throughout my life, I've loved both my parents, AND really adored my father. That relationship was a true gift in my life and it felt wonderful to know that my daughter would have the same kind of connection with her father.

After that 3ish-month period, things shifted. When we were all together, my daughter sought my husband for some things, and me for others. Lately, she's been going through a mommy phase. I've learned a lot over the past year, and trust that when she has daddy phases again, I'll be able to handle it better. Good luck to you. Jill

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Although it is probably very hurtful, she is probably very secure about you being around, she is not afraid that you will leave and knows that she can turn her back on you becuase you are always there. That is great, but I am sure a bit hurtful. Rejoice in knowing that she trusts you and your bond. maribel

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10mo baby prefers everyone over mom

Dec 2002

Several weeks ago, my ten-month old baby began showing a preference for her father, grandparents and nanny over me, her mother. In fact, she seems to prefer everyone -- other than complete strangers -- who are in her life over good ole mom. I've looked in the archives and have seen postings about preference for one parent over the other, but in this situation the preference extends beyond the immediate family. It doesn't seem to be related to the amount of time I spend with her (the nanny and her father spend far less time with her than I do) or to gender. And it isn't that she doesn't like me at all. When I'm the only one around, she smiles and plays and hugs and is generally fine. If anyone else walks into the room, however, she turns away from me, reaches both hands out to the new person and ignores me. When I mention this problem to other parents, I get puzzled looks -- something that leaves me feeling alone and ashamed. I know that it's good for her to attach to other adults and to feel comfortable with people other than her parents. I also know that her attachment to her nanny means that the nanny is doing a good job and that I should be thankful for it. So -- I'm not really looking for solutions or for ways to change the situation. I guess I just want to know that this is not unusual and that it will pass. I'd also love to hear from other people about ways in which they coped. Anonymous (please)

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I want to offer a different interpretation of your child's behaviour, and, most of all, about your achievements. I doubt that your baby has a preference for other people over you. A baby that spends most of the time with her mother will take her attention for granted. While your nanny did a good job making your baby love her, you probably did a very good job - and one which is much more delicate - in the first place: building up your baby's confidence in you which enables her pay lots of attention to other people.

I have an almost 6 months old daughter, and she already tries to get other peoples attention. When she sits on my lap in a cafe, she would systematically look at each person around us, one by one, until she can exchange smiles with that person. Then she would move on to the next one. If someone doesn't pay attention to her at all - and some people really stare at their notebook computers with no breaks - her persisting flirting would eventually turn into frustration. She doesn't care about my trying to comforting her, she is just upset her effort doesn't pay off. Nothing I can do for her except asking that person to a smile at my baby!

There are different ways to smile and laugh, by the way. There is a quick smile, like ''Hi, how are you doing?'', or ''Hey, look at me!'', or ''Do you like me?''. It's about getting attention. I also get that one sometimes - not when she happy, but when she is anxious. For example, for my strict ''No!'' when she starts stretching or chewing on my nipple during breastfeeding. And there is a very relaxed, life-enjoying fat laugher which can go on and on over long peoriods. She would do that only with people who really play with her paying full attention to her, and who she knows well.

You may want to read a about early child development to get more professional opinions than what I am making up from my observations. I remember from my mom's group, that children typically build a strong tie to their mothers around 6 months. After that, they ususally look for a strong bonds with other people, typically the father, grandmother, nanny etc.

So, while I can see that your baby's ''cheating you'' is heartbreaking at first sight, it probably means that you did well as a mother, because your baby learned she can trust you. Julia

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This was my daughter, age 9 mos to 2 yrs. The only difference was she was afraid of most men except daddy and grandpas and she had a strong preference for women over 50. In fact, if she saw a woman of that age with an open lap, she'd just hop in. If given the option to stay with any woman or me, she'd always choose the other woman. (I'm surprised I didn't get out more.)She also seemed generally blase about my presence. When I showed up to get her from daycare, she'd look up, say ''oh hi, mommy'' and go back to what she was doing.

To what do I attribute her abundance of enthusiasm for others over me? Don't know really. There could be lots of reasons -- five days in an incubator in the NICU so we didn't touch enough when she was a newborn, my having to return to work when she was two mos old and grandmother caring for her, her naturally independent personality and love of novelty?

Believe me, this did bother me. I thought I must be such an innately horrible mother that she can't even feel attached to me. But my husband demonstrated to me that she is attached to me -- she does cry for me when I'm gone, she draws pictures for me at school, when she's scared she seeks comfort from me, she nursed until she was 2 1/2 -- just, for whatever reason, she doesn't show it in all the other ways kids often do. His argument was that she felt so secure in my presence that it allowed her to explore interactions w/ other people w/out worrying about my being around. Do I buy it? I don't know. but I do know that she is still independent, still prefers school to hanging out w/ me, still adores all the older women in her life. It's just who she is. Sometimes I wish she were a little more obviously attached to me, but I'm also glad that she moves so easily in the world and feels so confident in new situations. Sometimes I can predict the clashes we'll have when she's a teen, and I dread them. But I do know she loves me, so what else does a mother need? I feel ya

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11mo Baby Prefers Dad

July 2012

I have an 11-month-old daughter and an almost 3-year-old son. My son has autism, so I am not really sure what is typical behavior for a baby. I am a stay-at-home mom, while my husband works full-time. Despite all the time I spend with my daughter caring for her and playing with her, she clearly prefers her dad. She would rather be held by him and crawls to him when both parents are present. She is definitely attached to me, but when Dad is around, she wants his attention.

Am I doing something wrong as a parent? I feel sad about this. I am definitely more stressed than my husband because I manage my son's therapies, which is a lot of work. Could my stress be pushing my daughter away, or is this just a normal phase that little girls go through? I worry about this constantly and feel such a loss. Any thoughts would be welcome, as it is very important to me to have a good relationship with my daughter. Thank you.

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I went through this with my daughter from the time she was a baby until she was about 4 years old--very attached to her dad. He was the one she wanted if there was ever a choice or not. This definitely worked in my favor during nighttime wakings but was not fun otherwise! She could be very adamant about not wanting anything to do with me. It was very difficult for me to handle emotionally, and did speak with a therapist about it. I really had to let go of taking it personally, which took a very long time. And I had to not give up & let him do everything--I kept trying & offering, even if I knew she'd not want me to put her to sleep,etc. Eventually (and like I said it took years) she started asking for me too and since about 4 yrs old on the preference has basically disappeared. She still loves her dad, but also her mama too. It will pass, just keep loving her and taking care of yourself too. mama of a daddy's girl

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Don't worry, it's a phase. This too shall pass.

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Hi, I am writing to say, don't worry. Something similar happened to me, too. I have two sons, 25 months apart. When my second was born my older son turned to his dad. He always wanted daddy (and this was unusual because he had been such a mama's boy)and barely gave me the time of day at times. My husband loved it, but I was left so very sad. This lasted for several months (it seemed longer when it was happening, though) and eventually things evened out/balanced out so he wanted both me and my husband. Now in retrospect I think this was just his way of coping with a new baby. Not a terrible coping strategy. Try not to take on too much responsibility about this. This could be how your daughter is coping with sharing your attention with her high needs brother, or it could just be a phase. Try to relax, maybe carve out some 1:1 time when you can do FUN things with her and focus all your attention on your relationship. Just wait, my guess is that everything will come back into balance. I know it is painful though. Hang in there!! Mamas need love, too

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1yo Loves Dad More - Mom's jealous

Dec 2002

Lately I've been filled with angst because of the way my one- year-old acts towards his father, my husband. I'm a stay at home mom and I spend all day with my son, playing with him, entertaining him, feeding him, etc., but when dad comes home from work, his face lights up and suddenly mom is old news. He cries when my husband leaves the room (not when I do) and only his dad can put him to bed or there will be a screaming fit. When he does something new he looks to dad for approval and the worst of all! He says ''Dada'' and not ''Mama.'' (I know that's very common, but still...) I feel unappreciated and jealous. Why does he get all the smiles and the laughs when I do all the work? I buy clothes and diapers and groceries and formula and toys, I make sure everybody has clean pajamas and that the kitchen is clean, I make my own organic baby food for god's sake! but as soon as dad walks into the room, my son will practically knock me out of the way to get to him. I feel like a crazy jealous fool, and when I tell my husband how I feel (we have a very close relationship and I can tell him everything) he literally laughs at me and tells me I'm crazy. I suppose it's a good thing that they have such a good relationship, considering they don't spend that much time together, but I can't help but feel rejected and depressed about it. Thanks

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Isn't that unfair. I too am a stay at home mom of a little one. What I have come to realize is that my son is very happy to see his dad because he doesn't see him a lot, a couple of hours a day, maybe. He is completely comfortable and knows that I will be there for him, but he thinks he has to vey for my husbands time. I know that because he is so comfortable, I have done one of the hardest jobs well. Remember that stay at home motherhood is one of the toughest jobs you will ever love. I know that it is hard, but try to let him bond with his father, he will always thank you. Kids tend to feel and act out on your feelings, so try not to show too much jealously. Good Luck k

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My kids are almost 4 and almost 2, and I have had the same feelings you are having. You turn yourself inside out for your child, then Daddy comes home like the conquering hero, and you feel left out of the equation. It feels terrible, but you know the old saying about lemons and lemonade. This is your chance- lock yourself in the bathroom with some suds and a good paperback. Do something to feed your ego, treat yourself well. Go off-duty for a little while. Your baby loves you and wants you, but a change of faces is good for everyone, you and baby included. Take care of yourself, and good luck. mary

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For what it's worth, my 9-mo-old daughter was fine with both parents until I went away from home for four weeks. When I came home, she became obsessed with me: she cries when I leave the room, she always wants me to hold her over anyone else, and she always lights up when she sees me. If I ask my husband to put her to sleep, she is always bitterly disappointed (until she gets too sleepy to protest).

My point is, you are a given. Take it this way: your baby feels secure about you, knows you are there for him, knows you will not leave him. He doesn't know that about your husband. Remember, he's too young to have any concept of time, so as far as he is concerned, Daddy simply goes away at various intervals, and your son doesn't know why or understand the regularity of the departures.

You are doing a wonderful job. Know that your son ignoring you is a sign that he feels completely at home with you, and only a mom who had done a good job would get that from him. I know how you feel, my first daughter was very like that, and I felt terribly left out, terribly unwanted. That way lies madness! I ended up realizing I had some postpartum depression going on, and just couldn't see the positive side of it.

Don't let it get to you, you are doing everything right, and your son loves you. Take it from me, if you were gone as much as your husband, you would be just as much in demand -- because your son would not be as sure of you. Heather

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My baby seems ready to go to sleep every night and I can't imagine how I would entertain her any longer - and then dad comes home and keeps her happy for another hour or two. She always gives him a huge smile when he gets home, even if she's been fussy with me. She will also cry when he leaves the room. I am also a stay-at-home mom, and have decided that she just gets tired of looking at my face all day. I've read many books that say that the baby's allegiance will switch back and forth between Mom and Dad, so I really wouldn't worry that it will be this way forever. Also, Dads often have a much more rambunctious style of playing with the baby, so perhaps your child really loves that stimulation. Remember that your baby has no idea that you are cooking and cleaning and washing, etc. and can't possibly know that he should be grateful for it (and might not, of course until he's grown and living on his own and has to do all of it himself)! Your baby loves you, he's just having a lot of fun with dad right now. Don't take it personally. LK

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it's funny I have two almost opposite reactions to this question and the other one about baby preferring others. The first reaction is based on my own experience. My baby preferred Daddy mostly and only rarely preferred me and it broke my heart. I hated it and complained like you are. Now my son (age 6) still would probably rather do certain things with Dad (Dad will roughhouse and play sports forever, I won't) but we still spend more time together and are very close....So it did balance out over time.

My second thought is to imagine you have spent the whole weekend with your husband and then your best friend comes over for dinner. Aren't you likely to pay more attention to your friend than your spouse? Maybe even seem to be ignoring your spouse as you catch up with your friend? I wonder if the babies arent' so secure in the knowledge that you will be there that they don't need to capture your attention but these other people who come and go require more wooing and are extra exciting.....So the very fact that your baby is able to ignore you shows how important and special you are! OK, I don't know if that would have reassured me during the throws of jealousy but it's worth a try. been there

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I think this piece of advice applies not only to this posting, but to the one about baby preferring everyone to Mom. What's going on right now is NOT that the baby doesn't love you. In both cases, the baby loves you lots, and you'll see that manifested in many ways as the baby gets older. What's likely happening is that the baby is at the age where he prefers novelty, and gets more excited about something he doesn't see as often. My son went through a phase when he was so excited to see daddy that he almost seemed not to notice that I was there. It was the same age when he started really disliking being in our house for more than a day at a time without going out. The very fact that you stay all day with your child and spend so much time and energy with him is likely the cause of this (temporary) behavior. You are simply not ''novelty'' -- the kind of stimulus a baby around a year old really craves. Later on, as your child becomes a toddler, your child will likely cling to YOU so much that you will wish for an occasional break. When a child becomes a toddler, the most familiar parent becomes extremely important. Karen

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First of all, this is a stage and will pass. Probably, your baby is acts more crazy for dad *because* she sees him less than you.

Secondly, please, please please, ask yourself: did you have a baby in order to receive emotional validation from her? Because that's what I'm hearing: you want validation from your baby. If you are looking to your child for validation, you are bound to be disappointed. Our children simply cannot (and should not) be counted on for that. Does that mean you shouldn't want your child's appreciaion? No, it is fine to *want* that. However, if your sense of self-worth is dependent upon her expressing appreciation for you, you're setting yourself up for a lot of pain. Validation is something that we all have to learn (and we ALL have to learn it, it doesn't seem to just happen automatically!) to do for ourselves. I think you'll agree, when you think about it, that this is not something we should put on our children - for one thing, we cheat OURSELVES when we do! If we rely on others for our sense of self-worth, there is no way they can ever give us enough or do enough to make us feel that we are worthwhile people, because we haven't developed that core sense of self for ourselves.

So, how to stop feeling jealous of dad? By remaining true to yourself and who you want to be as a person. When you KNOW you are behaving in the world as the person you want to be (some one *you* value and respect), you won't feel bad when your baby behaves as if she prefers daddy, because you won't need to look to her to reflect who you are back to you. You'll already know. You're a good person and a good mom. This is the same journey I am on, and I believe we all are. Best of luck anonymous

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I felt the same when my daughter was that age. It hurts, yes, it hurts! I stayed home with her until she was 15 months. She was really into her daddy, as soon as see was able to sit up and look toward the door when she heard him come in at night. Big smiles and laughter! And when she began to talk -- mercy! ''No, Daddy's turn'' when I tried to give her a bath, change her diaper, etc. She'd run to him for comfort, prefer him to take her out of her car seat. She began daycare at 15 months and she'd sort of look up and continue playing when I picked her up at the end of the day yet ran yelling ''Daddy, Daddy!'' when my husband would do so.

I was very sad about this. If someone had told me that it was a stage, and that she would one day run to me yelling ''Mommy, Mommy'' I would not have believed it. Well, my daughter is now 2.5 and it this has long passed. She still has a thing for daddy but she and I also have our special relationship. What helped me get through this time was this: 1) my husband did not laugh about this when I brought up my feelings. He would comfort me and pointed me that the she was probably just used to seeing me all day and therefore Dad was a novelty, someone to have fun with, etc. and 2) I would literally force myself to give her extra hugs, kisses, ''I love you's'', during those times that I was feeling rejected.

So, good luck you, Mom! I've been there I know how you are feeling. My daughter still prefers Dad to change her diaper and you know, that can be a good thing! :) anonymous