This is a collection of jokes and saying about kids and parenting contributed by members of the Berkeley Parents Network in 1998 and 1999. We have attributed these where known, but most of them came to us "Author Unknown". If you know the author for one of our unattributed jokes or quotes, please Contact Us
- Words of Wisdom
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck
- Why Parents get Gray Hair
- "Is there anyone there besides you?", the boss asked the child.
- When Children Turn Into Cats by Adair Lara
- I JUST REALIZED THAT while children are dogs, loyal and affectionate, teenagers are cats.
- 5 Things You Can Do to Annoy your Teenager
- Are you fed up with the giant slouching creature your cute little toddler has evolved into? Now you can get back at your teenager in small subtle ways that will take them a while to figure out.
- The Evolution of Mom
- 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
- Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier
- Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
- Letter to the IRS
- You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take.
- Mom's Brownies Recipe
- Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
- Mom's Night Before Christmas
- With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand, she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
- A Mother's Dictionary
- amnesia: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
- Opening available for Mom/Dad
- JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
- Q&A for the Pregnant Couple
- Q. What is colic?
- A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
- Parenting Test
- DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
- The First Parent
- "Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
- Kids on Love
- I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when The Simpsons are on TV.
- Kids on Proverbs
- Children Should Be Seen And Not........ Spanked Or Grounded
- Kids on Science
- H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
- Kids on the Bible
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- Kids' Letters to God
- Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
- Kids' Letters to Pastors
- Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
- A Prayer for Moms and Dads
- I pray I find a little quiet Far from the daily family riot
- Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned
- When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Things You Learn from Your Children
- Super glue is forever
- Important Things I've Learned From Kids
- If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
- Wise Advice From Kids
- Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- When I'm Old
- I'll live with my children and bring them great joy and repay all I've had from each girl and boy.
- Toddler Miracle Diet!
- Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips.
- Toddler's Rules of Possession
- 1. If I like it, it's mine.
- Homework Time
- Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long term."
- The Cameron Column by W. Bruce Cameron
- #76: 8 Rules for Dating My Daughter
- #89: Trash Day
- Of Telephones and Teenagers
- #93: Directly to the Mailbox
- #98: My Daughters are Driving
- #103: Take a Hike
- #106: School Play