POSITION: Mom/Dad
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for
challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and
frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel
required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive
courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-the-site training in
basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must have strong
skills in negotiating,conflict resolution and crisis
management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must
be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the
box, because you most likely will need it for a school
project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be
proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly,
unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the
rest of your life.
Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under
loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously
practicing above mentioned skills in conflict
resolution. Must be able to choose your battles and stick
to your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism, such
as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated
at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go
skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in
case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget
repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects. Must have
ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients
of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must
handle assembly and product safety testing of a half
million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.
Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit,
because fund-raiser will be your middle name. Must have a
diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as
"What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't they just go in
and shoot Sadam Hussein?" on the fly. Must always hope for
the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume
final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating
your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately
surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting
basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent
raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn
18 because of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and
wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock
options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities
for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your
cards right.
