Nanny Leaving Abruptly

What worked for someone else didn’t work work for you. Her reference had a positive experience and there’s no reason for your negative experience to affect theirs. Maybe this nanny will work out for someone else and maybe they won’t  but unless they committed a crime, it’s just a difference of experience. Move on and let them as well. Maybe they will learn from it as will you.

I do not think it would be appropriate for you to contact her prior reference.  The point of references is that each employer is relaying their experience with the employee.  Obviously they did not have the same experience as you.  It is not your place to try to ensure she does not get another position with a family.  You can only relate your own experience.  By the way, next time please consider paying hourly as that is the legal way to pay a nanny.  Salary is a no-no and a former employee could take legal action against you for doing so.  

I would be cautious about what you say to another party about her. It could be considered slander, and if it interferes with her future job prospects, you could be on the hook for damages. For what it's worth, in California, employers must permit employees to use paid sick leave for medical appointments, so if you tell her prior reference that she "misused paid sick days," you may be saying something that isn't true. 

Of course you should explain your experience, but I can't imagine she will give your info as a reference.

You could reach back out to the prior reference but there is no guarantee that they will take what you say to heart since that wasn't their experience.  Personally, I'd just move on and try to stop letting this person occupy space in your head.

I am sorry you had such a poor experience with your nanny. In your case I would reach out. I had a safety concern with my own nanny once. I arrived home early unexpectedly to find her watching TV instead of watching my toddler, who was in an unsafe situation. Instead of apologizing, the nanny was combative and then quit all on her own. That coupled with some lazy afternoons where she would let my son be in the crib for up to 90 minutes at a time post nap (we had a monitor on the crib which she was aware of), led to me reaching out to the nanny's prior reference. She was continuing to babysit for the prior reference and I felt like they deserved to know, and could make their own choices after that. You don't have to blame the reference for what led to your choice to hire the nanny, but you can just state the objective facts. 

Before you reply to the reference, I would reflect on your own role in this situation and how it contributed to your nanny quitting abruptly. From your description, it sounds like you have not communicated your expectations clearly. You offered paid time off, but then felt the nanny shouldn't use it? Or should only use it for purposes that YOU felt were worthy of paid time off? Some kinds of healthcare appts are worthy of your paid time off but others not? If your contract with the nanny states that she can take paid time off, then YOU are in violation of the contract if you don't let her use it. Paid time off is a form of compensation, so by not allowing her to use it you are effectively reducing her overall pay. 

It is really hard to balance work obligations and childcare, especially during covid. But YOU and only YOU are responsible for your work obligations. Worth repeating, your nanny is not responsible for your work obligations. Even if you don't provide your nanny with paid time off, it is unrealistic to expect that she will never have to take either planned or unplanned days off. Your nanny is not a robot. She is a human that will sometimes get sick unexpectedly and will also sometimes want to take a break from work to take care of personal obligations or just rest.  That means that if you hire a private nanny, you need to have a backup plan in place for when she is not able to work. There are a number of services that offer last minute childcare. If you don't want to use that kind of service and don't have a job that allows flexibility in your schedule when your nanny calls in sick or takes time off, then you might want to consider a different form of childcare such as a day care center. 

Finally, it is ok for a worker to ask their employer for a raise or better benefits. It is not "exploitative." Your nanny is also a working professional - this job is how she supports herself and her family. Child care workers are paid very low wages in general and the cost of living here is high, so paying above market rate, even if it is a stretch for you financially, does not mean that you are paying your nanny enough to make ends meet. Good for your nanny for having the courage to ask for what she needs. 

If you plan to hire another nanny I would highly suggest checking out the resources from Hand in Hand about being a good employer of domestic workers. However, given your financial constraints and difficulties making a nanny situation work, I would explore other child care options that might work better for you, such as a daycare center or licensed in home provider. At the moment, it sounds like you lack the basic maturity level to be a good employer of a working professional nanny.

I can't imagine that she would list you as a reference given how the relationship ended, but if she does, it's really your choice.

Based on your description above, I think you would feel comfortable describing what happened, and you don't seem inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt (ie saying "no comment" or "I don't give references"). I would probably avoid specifics but just say that you were unhappy with her poor performance and lack of professionalism. 

Honestly at this point I would just let it go. Sometimes it’s not a great fit and you live in learn. 
 

I'm sorry you had such a troubling time with a care giver. It's super disruptive and sounds like you feel extremely under appreciated for what you thought was a great job. It also sounds like you want to blame someone (nanny, previous employer/reference). I totally get that, yet encourage you to think broader about it. What a great opportunity for you to clarify expectations even more clearly with your next hire. I just re-read 'Difficult Conversations' by Stone, Patton and Heen. The three primary conversations happening in any disagreement shine through in your description: being right vs understood; lots of feelings (on both sides); and the implications about what this experience means for who you (and nanny) are as people. I really encourage you to check it out. There are so many of these conversations in your future around people involved in your family life. 

I can see why you feel the way you do, and of course if she gives your name as a reference you should feel free to be candid to her potential employers. I wouldn't go back to her former employer, however.  That just seems like either you are trying to poison them against her, or that you blame them for your having hired her.  Neither benefits you, and really won't make you feel better about this situation in the long run.  

For what it's worth, neither of my two nanny experiences were completely positive, and I put up with a lot of stuff that in hindsight, I wish I had had the courage to address. So I applaud you for speaking up, even if it didn't end as you hoped.  

As a parent looking for a nanny, I would appreciate that you are honest in your assessment.  It's clear this person took advantage of you and I think it's so important references convey any concerns so other parents can appropriately assess the situation and make the right decision for them. Thanks.

I would not. They had their experience, and you had yours. It seems presumptuous to think that they would change their reference for her based on what you (a complete stranger) tell them. 

I personally would not contact previous folks that gave good recommendations. I would guess they liked her for whatever their reasons and your experience won't exceed theirs or change their minds. I think reaching out to them would give the impression of pettiness and likely make them think you were the one that was wrong. I say this having had an incredibly awful nanny experience too (nanny left baby in "smart" crib for 7/8 hours, 3 days in a row. I ended up recording her on video to make sure bc I wasn't certain if the smart crib was sending me bad data). I thought of calling the woman who recommended her but then thought about it and realized I wouldn't gain anything from it (would I change her mind to recommend her in the future, probably not. Would I get myself more upset, definitely).

All this said - I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. It sounds incredibly stressful for all involved and I'm glad you had a backup plan for your child. Finding good and reliable care is a challenge; hope you have found it now! 

While I hate messing with someone's livelihood, I would tell the reference about my experience.  If it were me, I would want to know.  

That sounds like a really frustrating situation.  However, before you respond, I would ask yourself to think through what you are trying to accomplish and how your privilege and the power structure of nanny/employer plays into your response.  Different families have different expectations/professionalism needs from their nannies.  And these expectations/professionalism needs are very much culturally determined.  I don't know your cultural background or your nanny's, but I do know that as a white person myself, I have often struggled in navigating care/employee relationships with certain cultures just because of differences in expectations (ie around timeliness).  Likewise, your nanny may have had expectations about how you treat her that weren't being met, so things may look very different from her side.  The reality is that you are the person in power here, so even though you feel 'exploited', I suspect your family is in a position to either take some time off work to care for your kids, or to hire someone else relatively quickly.  You are saying that because you paid her well, tried to get her to see your way, etc, you were entitled to better treatment.  Your nanny, on the other hand, likely is dealing with significantly more financial instability that may have kept her from being honest with you about her needs.  did you try to see her point of view?  or ask her?  Figure out that the 'above market' rate you were giving her was enough to support her or her family?  It sounds like you felt like you were doing her a favor by employing her.  I can't imagine that felt good to her.  It would be one thing if she had done bodily harm to your children or committed a crime, but it sounds like she didn't meet your expectations.  That is not a reason to go out of your way to try and hurt her prospects for further employment, which could be catastrophic for her (I assume you were not paying her over the table so she is not entitled to unemployment benefits).

I'm sorry to hear about your bad experience. I think it would be good to contact the former reference, it might help parents making a wrong decision in the future. We hired our first nanny last November and she gave us covid in mid-December. Our whole household was out for 4 weeks, my husband had to go to ER and we totally overpaid her for her brief stay with us (3 paid weeks off in 2months). It was a nightmare! Having said that, the former reference might have a different attitude towards covid restrictions and/or parenting, but at least you tried. Good luck going forward finding good childcare! 

I would support an effort to make information about your experience available to any parents who are considering hiring this person, and second the person who said if it were me I would want to know. Likely your nanny has a different view of the situation and she can explain that to potential employers. If you don't want to share details or the prior reference doesn't want to hear them, you can just say they are welcome to give your phone number to any potential employers who are interested in hearing about your experience too.