When your tween's best friend's mom talks behind your back in front of your tween
This is my first time writing the network and I ask for gentle replies, only, please.
This situation is so weird, but I'm hoping someone who has experienced something similar to it is willing to comment. Thanks in advance for reading!
Last year my daughter was with her best friend and her best friend’s mom at a festival that was run by my former employer. The mom knew my former employer and she ran into her. While they were chatting, my former boss asked how I was doing. The mom replied that I was “in my own world” and I “seldom left the house" in front of my daughter. When my daughter got back home, she told me what took place. She is not one to fabricate things like this; I believed her.
I texted the mom asking her about the conversation, and she wrote back a brief text, downplaying what she said. She wrote that she "was joking and she missed me." (We had never been very close but we had always been on friendly terms.) Moreover, what this mom said about me to my former boss was false—at that time, I was making a bunch of public appearances and I wasn't in my own world whatsoever.
We’ve known this mom and her husband for over a decade. We've been kind to them. I was so hurt by her behavior and since then, I’ve had no contact with her. I consider her toxic to my mental health. But of course I allow my daughter to continue her friendship with her best friend. My husband deals with the mom & and dad; he does not wish to serve as a mediator and I can’t force him to do it.
My best friend encouraged me to have coffee with this mom. I wish I could do that but I can’t handle a face-to-face meeting with her— I’ve built up too much anger. You see, after I found out about what she said about me, I lost sleep over it for several nights in a row. I have bipolar disorder and the sleep loss triggered symptoms of my illness. I was already under a ton of stress when this happened because it was 3 days before my first book was published. As a result, during the week my book was published (a project that was ten years in the making) I was sleep-deprived and felt humiliated by having someone who I considered a friend say disparaging things about me the way she did.
I’ve made the major mistake of letting this stupid thing fester.
Amazingly, I haven’t run into her yet but it’s only a matter of time. I could write her a letter but I haven’t been able to sit down and write it—it’s ironic since I’m an author. I’m writing our group to see if anyone has had a problem remotely like mine and to learn how you handled it.
Thanks again for any insights you can share with me!
Parent Replies
I don't have any direct experience with anything like this, but most of us parents have agreed to put up with people we aren't crazy about, and wouldn't choose to hang out with otherwise (similar to work situations, I guess.) We have certainly all dealt with hearing about things said behind our backs - true or not. I think the number one thing you should focus on is why/how this has gotten under your skin so much, and learning from that in order to help you in similar future situations - basically anytime someone says or thinks something negative about you. You recognize that it's insignificant, but you see that it's still bothering you more than it should. That's the kind of thing therapists can help with a lot. I also tend to care too much about what others think, and it's gotten better over time, but is always an issue for me to keep in mind. In terms of practical concerns, you'll obviously want to make sure your daughter is feeling okay about what she heard. She knows you far better than this person does, and can judge for herself what is true, but a conversation about it never hurts also - you've probably already done that. It's a lesson in the unfortunate fact that people say things about others that aren't necessarily true (we are all guilty of it) and that we have to work on not letting things like that get to us. Also, seeing how this kind of behavior makes people feel is a lesson. The fact that this mom was careless enough to say this in front of your daughter says something about her own character too. For you, besides being the mother of your daughter's friend, she's not someone you have to deal with regularly - not a family member, roommate, coworker, etc. I would try to focus on your own reaction to it in a productive way - recognizing it and hopefully learning and moving on from it, and not focus on the actual content of what she said or even the person who said it - i.e. not meeting with her, writing a letter, or giving the incident any more attention than it's already gotten.
I think you are completely overreacting. You say you have been busy writing a book so I imagine that is what she might have meant by saying you were in your own world. You admit you are letting this get to you so the question is why? I suggest a visit to a therapist or your psychiatrist to get some clarity around what I see as a strong reaction to a comment that does not seem to warrant much of anything. Good luck !
Hi, I see that this has caused you anguish. From my perspective, I wonder if you’re unnecessarily letting the situation / the person get under your skin? You know your presence in the outside world - the fact that you’re not “hardly leaving the house” or whatever she said. And what does “in your own world” even mean? I might try to “let it go” a bit more - it doesn’t seem as if she’s continually saying such things, and only she knows what she meant by it. Your behavior pretty well proves that you’re not isolated, if that’s what she meant. And really, what if you were? That’s not really any of her concern I don’t think.
Lots of introverts can 90% of the time seem like they are “in their own world” to others, and in fact much prefer not to go out a lot. If that’s who you are, you’ve probably come to realize by now that we live in a world that misunderstands introverts.
If anyone in this situation has a “problem”, I’d say it’s her. I wish you the best. Mostly, I wish you peace, and sleep...
It seems to me like you already addressed this with the person who made the comments. I'm not sure what more you can do. I hate to say "let it go" because I've found that hearing that doesn't help at all. But really, that's where you are. My therapist told me to only think about things like this while walking or doing some other form of exercise. She told me to think about something that made me happy (I chose puppies) when I started to obsess during other times. When I can remember to switch to thinking about puppies it helps. When I allow myself to wallow in my irritation, I just get more and more worked up and take it out on other people.
The bottom line for me is that what you posted here about what she said seems more odd to me than hateful. Why would she say or think something like that? Was it because you were so wrapped up in getting your book done that you really weren't making public appearances that didn't relate to the book? Maybe those truly were her observations and she didn't consider them to be insulting or anything other than the truth. Maybe she really does miss you. Is there a reason why hearing this is so hurtful to you?
To me her comments don't seem like a big deal. But I don't know the context and can tell from this post that they were a big deal to you. Maybe there's something in your history that would cause you to get so worked up over this? It might be helpful to examine exactly why comments that don't seem like a big deal to strangers are a big deal to you. And maybe once you figure that part out it will be easier to do the impossible and actually let it go.
I completely understand laying awake at night obsessing over stuff like this. I'm trying very hard to learn techniques to let these things go. It isn't easy and I can't claim 100% success. But this is the only part of the interaction that you can control so you might as well start there.
I think what she said to your former employer reflected badly on her, not you. I would try to let it go and minimize contact with her, as you have done.
I'm really sorry that this happened to you, and obviously it has really upset you. What the other mom did was untrue and unkind, particularly in front of your child. Having said that, I would add that people are going to say all kinds of things about other people ALL THE TIME, and honestly, who cares? No, it wasn't nice that your daughter heard it, but it doesn't sound like it affected her that much. Chances are the other mom, though you have no contact with her, has largely forgotten the incident, and for your own mental health I would recommend the same. You are obviously an accomplished author (congrats) with a healthy kid and nice husband, sometimes the best thing to do is count your blessings and move forward. It's clearly not worth all of the anguish it's causing you, and I hope you might be able to process this in therapy or another modality as my guess is that the incident is less about you and this mom and more about other things you are carrying with you in your life that are holding you back and causing you pain. I wish you well!
These kind of things can really burn! I think you should write a letter, a letter that you won't mail, and put all your feelings into it. Also consider talking to a therapist about this, to help you figure out how you want to move forward and also how you could process a situation like this without endangering your own health further. Recently when someone did something I considered a betrayal I sang along to CeeLo Green's F-You song several times at high volume in the car. I felt much better after that! Once you have really processed this fully you will know whether you want to reach out to her or not. I do think if you reach out to her calmly and let her know it really hurt your feelings that she said those things you will learn a lot from her response. Then you can decide whether you want to continue the relationship. If you decide not to discuss it, when you run into her you can act pleasantly polite and leave it at that.
I am not bipolar, but I sympathize with you and might brood over it as well, if only because so many social factors are involved. At worst, it was a casually malicious and bullying* comment, coming from someone you regard as a friend, said in front of your daughter, said in front of her own daughter's B.F., and made to your former employer. At best, she just acted like a jerk. Whatever, she should have called and apologized to you, instead of laughing it off.
*Assuming you agree with the definition of a bully as someone who tells you, or other people, lies about yourself.
I'd write her a letter, put it away for a week, read it again, and then decide whether to edit and send it. Good luck with your book, and the next one, too.
(And, yes, someone I regarded as a casual friend--our girls often hung out together--made some sexist remarks about my daughter to a mutual acquaintance. I wish now that I had said something, instead of just shunning this person. She was too fond of her own cleverness.)
I'm sorry that this has caused you so much distress, but I have to say that you should think about jumping conclusions about what she said without having been there in person. Like some other commenters, I would agree that it's hard to know exactly what was meant. Even though your daughter was there, she might have misinterpreted the intention. Do you have a mutual friend who could talk to this person since it sounds stressful to you?
As a parallel example, my mom had a separation from a dear friend because my mom was upset by an email that the friend had sent that seemed harmless to me, but made my mom upset and convinced the friend was blowing her off. I tried to convince her to patch things up, to no avail -my mom was convinced. What turned things around was when a mutual friend reached out and it turned out that there was no bad intent, and my mom and her friend patched things up. She was so relieved!
Anyway, my point is that this person really may have meant no ill intent... perhaps she was genuine in her email that she was joking. If you don't have a conversation (or find someone else to talk to her) then you won't know the real intent.
On the other hand, if I misinterpreted the situation, you really do think this person was ill-intentioned, then I would follow the suggestions of figuring out how to let this go and move on, perhaps with therapy. It sounds like you have real reason to celebrate your hard-won success, and it's really unfortunate that these festering feelings are bringing you down. My heart reaches out to you, as I have had my own history of holding on to these things, and I have found it freeing to let the feelings go.