Trouble co-parenting challenging kids - resources?
To start, we did not get the easy model of children. Our 15 yo has ADD that presents a bit more like Aspergers, 11 yo has significant anxiety. So we have some extra challenges as far as parenting goes. They are really great kids though -- funny, sensitive, earnest and deeply empathetic. My husband and I have completely opposite upbringings and as a result he struggles with the kids that he imagined vs the ones that we actually have. I think he also suffers from depression due to some trauma about 15 years ago (and our parenting challenges) and this results in a lot of explosive behavior, diatribes and shaming our kids -- not helpful as I end up getting the kids back to their equilibrium. And grown up explosive behavior doesn't help with our kids' explosive behavior! Our parenting strategies/philosophies are just not jibing and I am now at wits end. And even though I feel it is largely his depression and disappointment in parenting that are the biggest contributors to our situation, I know I'm not the perfect parent either and am interested in any kind of resources that will help us parent better together. Advice, books, parenting classes, anger management, great co-parenting counselors -- please, send it all my way. Thank you!
Parent Replies
First of all, family dynamics are so very hard especially with ADHD and anxiety disorders. I know because both my daughter and husband have ADHD. My first piece of advice is to research and/or have a licensed counselor work with you guys to understand what it is like to be your child. I have found that you have to parent a child with ADHD differently and a lot of it is counterintuitive. Other than that, I would recommend 2 books: one called the Anger Workbook and one called Sacred Parenting.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this strife in your family and marriage. You are not alone! I'm four years ahead of you with a story that sounds familiar. My suggestion is to find a stable of therapists - an individual therapist for your husband, a marriage therapist for the two of you, and a family therapist. This seems like a lot and it is. Despite endless hours of networking and research, I have yet to find one therapist or program to address the range and depth of the situation and people you describe. For me and my family, at various times, different professionals have been helpful. We dial up and down as needed. I'm sorry to say that ultimately, we have divided the family into two households for the time being to release the tension for the benefit of all of us (my children are older). I hope you are able to find what's best for you and your family sooner rather than later.
I understand this problem. My husband and I have been at odds for 18 years over parenting a child with severe inattentive ADD. Our two different takes on how to parent are the reverse of your and your husband's - I'm the one who explodes and he is the compassionate softie. Our son just started college this year and is living away from home - what a relief to not have the daily battles over how to parent him!!! We miss him and love him of course, but a burden has been lifted and our life as a couple has been much more harmonious and pleasant these last few months. So there is light at the end of the tunnel!
Over the years we tried reading books about parenting and working with parenting coaches but it didn't really help in terms of getting us both to agree on an approach. We are both resistant to therapy; me because I'm a skeptic, and my husband because he sincerely believes he is smarter than everyone else. My husband found a book about ADD that he thought was good, and for several weeks he read and re-read it, constantly quoting passages to me. But for me it was all obvious stuff that we had already tried. What helped me was the two of us attending a few sessions with parenting coach Rona Renner. At the time our son was 12 or 13 and it was a rough time for all of us. Rona understands kids' behavior on a very deep level, and she is also adept at picking up on the little triggers that cause parenting strife. She is very diplomatic and she has seen it all, and she gave us great advice. Of course my husband thought her advice was all either obvious stuff that we were already doing (we weren't) or not as well-informed as his own opinions, since he had read that one book. But her insights have stayed with me over the years and helped me to be a better parent to our son, and maybe even a slightly better partner to my husband.
So in our case, we never did agree on a parenting approach. We still don't agree about choices our college-aged kid is making but it's out of our hands now - he doesn't live with us anymore! But we did each find our separate methods for coping with a challenging kid. I hope you and your husband do too!