Video games for socializing for introverted 9 year old?

We have a 10 y.o. Bookworm daughter starting 6th next year. She is not introverted, but watchful and also has few friends, tho the friends she has are good friends. We do not have a TV, have little time to look at streaming video, and listen to NPR in the car b/c she does not sit next to the radio(!). She also does not play computer games aside from sudoku, and is not curious about them. She has a very rich autonomous creative life and fantasy world, which pleases her, and is not phased by being "out of it"!-- we'll see how this develops as she enters the thickets of middle school social life. I feel no need to hurry her into the world of social media. However, a mid-reader kid book club would be great, as would A kid-written book review group. We live near Chavez library and new MS is near Dimond library. I'd be interested in talking to you and others about  getting a group of bookworm kids together. 

You wrote that your daughter "doesn't have too many friends, and I don't think she minds that much.  I would like her to be more social though."  I would implore you to read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. 

As an introvert and life-long reader, who had a hopelessly extroverted mother (who could never accept that a child of hers could be constructed differently than she was), I urge you to try to see how special your daughter is.  That she's "an avid reader and can spend hours by herself reading..." and most importantly, that she doesn't mind that much that she doesn't have many friends, does not mean something is amiss.  It might mean something was amiss for you, but it does not mean that for her.

To encourage her towards electronic games and media when she is not naturally interested might not be the best course of action.  I've raised two daughters to adulthood, who were both different in personality than I, and I know the value of accepting that they are unique and different from myself...a state of mind my own mother never attained.  My mother's continual efforts to "convert" her introverted child to something I could never be left scars that persist to this day. 

Value your daughter for who she is; she sounds very special and intelligent.  She will most likely turn out to be someone wonderfully unique -- who you can be very proud of, instead of wishing she were more like the herds of others out there glued to their electronic devises.

I understand your worry about your daughter not being social enough but, really, this is not a problem since you think she doesn't mind being a more solitary child. It sounds like she's just an introvert. I was the same as a child—would much rather have stayed home reading than being out doing social things—and I was perfectly happy. It's hard for the extroverts of the world to understand but this is a perfectly normal thing to do. Also, in regard to her lack of interest in electronic stuff, hallelujah!! You are one of the few lucky moms who is not having to worry about excessive screen consumption. Your daughter likes actual books!!! My suggestion would be to rejoice in that and absolutely NOT introduce electronics. When/if she becomes ready for them I'm assuming she will let you know.

If she isn't requesting to play those games, my suggestion would be not to push it. If she wants to, you can still be in charge of screen time. My daughter has two hobbies -- she reads voraciously, and, when not reading is an avid on-line gamer. Gaming has given her a wonderful social network around the world and she also plays with her friends from the high school, but it has limited her from more physical exercise (she played soccer for 7 years but quit a couple of years ago). Unlike her older sister who always had many friends, my younger daughter isn't a social butterfly and never will be. She has made some very good friends in high school, and on-line, and she is happy with that.

Hi,

I would suggest that you let your introverted daughter pick her own interests. My daughter, also an introvert by nature, was more interested in art than group sports and other activities that most of her friends choose. She is now off to college as a budding artist, who is also interested in science and engineering. 

I showed my daughter your post, and it is at her behest that I am responding. My daughter also says that by the time your kid reaches high school, she would be quite adept with all the new games out there, so not to worry!!

I'd like to echo the comments of the other posters.  I have an introverted 22-year-old daughter who consistently "opts out" of social settings and opportunities.  I had to learn that this was not some sort of "flaw" in her personality but rather a fundamental characteristic that couldn't be changed anymore than, say, the color of her eyes.  Growing up, reading was her sanctuary, and to the day, she continues to be one of the smartest, most emotionally intelligent, and certainly most literate people in the room.  One important thing I've learned over the years:  does she experience this issue (of aloneness, lack of social life, introversion) as a problem?  If so, then it sounds like she needs support solving these challenges.  But if the issues are not experienced by her as "problems", then I would urge you to not try to mold her in your own image of what you think will make her happy.  Sounds like she has lots of gifts and dances to her own drummer, real causes of celebration in my book.  Best wishes to you.

My daughter sounds like yours but is few years older.  Why do you want her to be more social?  My son was the same way an never watched TV.  At school the kids would talk about TV shows and he didn't have clue what they were talking about.  There were times when they though he was from another planet.  Likewise he would try to talk to them about books he read or games he liked playing (chess) and they weren't interested.  To each his own.  So what if it isolates her.  Maybe she's smart and want's to avoid the "Mean Girls" drama.  (Good for her.) 

I would wait for her to ask for a video games.  Just leave her be for now.  Remember school is starting is less than a month.  She be seeing old friends and meeting new ones. 

While spending time reading is great for a kid and will contribute tremendously to her academic life, I agree that helping your daughter become more social is important.  I'm kind of an introvert and think back to my childhood and wish that I had developed better social skills, interests and had been more involved in group activities.  I felt isolated and lonely much of the time and it was not healthy.  When I went off to college, finding a friend group and feeling connected was quite difficult, ended up switching schools several times because I didn't connect with peers and I was sort of depressed.  I have teenagers now and I think the happy ones are those who have developed an interest and corresponding friends through a group activity.  Maybe it could be classmates at school through sports, robotics, girl scouts, band, martial arts, or clubs and youth groups through a local organization, church, synagogue.  Feeling connected in a community is essential for mental health for kids, especially as they become teens.  I agree that I would not encourage electronic stimulation at such a young age, since by the time she is a teenager, especially as an introvert, social media may become her main way to connect with others, and sometimes in an unhealthy way.  If kids can make friends face to face in groups doing activities, I believe they will feel more connected and happy.  They might only make one best friend, but everyone needs a friend.  If participation in electronic games with friends through acquaintances in these groups is the result, then that's great, but I don't think the electronics should be the main interest.  For a 9 year old daughter, I would really work on helping her to develop social skills and encourage her to try different activities to explore her interests are so she can connect with others.  Maybe you make an agreement to try at least one thing each quarter.  Another thought is to encourage friendships by hosting get togethers at your home or outings with families with kids the same age.  I wish I could do more of this for my teens, but as an introvert, it is not in my nature to reach out, but I wish had done more of that when they were younger.  I know it can be hard, and my parents always said to me "why don't you join the "fill-in-the-blank" club", as they saw how isolated I felt.  I felt that I was not a "joiner".  That all being said, introversion has it's advantages, and acceptance that this is one's nature is important.   If ultimately your daughter wants to spend time alone, there are plenty of solo hobbies that are enriching, and reading is great!  Many parents wished they had kids who liked to spend time reading!  I spent much of my childhood and teen years sewing, embroidering, making jewelry, doing individual sports for fun and fitness, such as swimming, running, bike riding, and having after school jobs cleaning private homes.  I ended up working in a lab for my career, which was quite isolating.  As an adult I still have my hobbies, and while I enjoy them, I wish I developed skills to cultivate a larger friend group and community. Good luck.

Not all kids play those games and even those that play have other interests.  I think the issue is not the electronic games but just that she is introverted and prefers reading solo ... it is not necessary bad as I was very similar growing up.  I would not push the electronic games on her, but rather encourage her to find her own interests (sports, art, music, etc) and then join clubs with those interests and find kids with similar interests so she has a group of friends with who she has something in common that she likes.