Thinking through the 3rd

I think only you can truly know the answer to this. My question for you is why you believe IVF is more of a sure thing? For context, I am 40 with a 5 and 3 year-old.  When I was 32 we did IVF to try to avoid a hereditary disease on my husband's side. They gave us 50/50 chance for each implantation. We did 3 rounds (2 fresh and 1 frozen), spent around $50k and none stuck. It was very emotionally and physically draining. I imagine that 41 year-old eggs would have statistically less chance than 32-year-old ones (unless you are considering egg donation or previously froze your own?). We ended up coming to terms with and accepting the outcome of the hereditary disease and conceiving naturally. I had a miscarriage before each successful pregnancy. Obviously miscarriage is also physically and emotionally taxing too but for me, IVF was worse. I do not think 42 or 43 is much different than 41 and if it were me and I wanted a 3rd, I would personally try naturally or with other fertility help. Not sure if this helps, just adding my experience 

Find a moment to meditate, spend time in nature, or whatever makes you centered by yourself, and connect to what you truly want. Then trust yourself either way. Best of luck to you!

I just had my third at 39 and also struggled with this. She was a very unexpected surprise but I had thought long and hard and read everything i could on it before this happened and actually had decided against it (life circumstances and just a feeling of uncertainty). 
now that she is here i see both sides. Its amazing to have such a big family and see the olders interacting and creating a new dynamic. My heart is full of love in the most amazing way and i feel like i appreciate her “baby-ness” more, though i think that’s just selective memory.

 That said it is quite rough in many ways. For this phase we need two people. I can and handle all three often (as does my partner) but it’s hard to give everyone what they need and babies need to be held so my hands are often taken. Going to the store as a family is a feat, thinking of having a babysitter even more so. And then the obvious costs.

i would have always wondered/regretted if this hadnt happened. And its nice to be 100% done. But i don’t think my life would have been missing all that much, in retrospect. But i only know that now (as i am sitting here pumping for the 6th year :)

best of luck on your decision, there is no wrong one here!

These are all good and tough questions! Here's my perspective as a mom of 3, in case it's useful: The short answer is, I like having 3 kids and adore them all and the dynamic between them. The caveat is, it's a lot of work when they're little - there's a 6-year gap between #2 and #3 for me and we still had our hands full keeping track of everyone's needs and getting everyone where they needed to be for a long time, pretty much up until the oldest started driving - you're outnumbered! :) If you're looking at having 3 under the age of 5 or 6 you will have marvelous fun and they will bond and you will look back on it fondly once they're older, but in all honesty there may be some tough times when you're in the trenches of it. (But they will all be at about the same stage of life at the same time, which is nice because they have similar interests in outings, games, etc.) You'll find out, too, that the world is geared towards families of 4 - everything from muffins to roller coaster seating seems to come in sets of 4, and someone always has to be left out or accommodated. I had my 3rd at 38, and the difference between having a baby at 30 or 32 and 38 was bigger than I thought it would be - it's definitely doable (and if you have a 6mo you're already familiar with the age thing), and not even considered old around here (even though they put "advanced maternal age" on all my charts - sheesh), but it was harder to bounce back. I'm a little freaked out doing the math about how old I'll be when the last one graduates from high school (or maybe has kids of his own someday). I know none of what I've said helps with a clear yes or no, but hopefully it's at least some perspective from one person who's been there. Good luck with your decision - I'm not sure there is a right or wrong choice, just different ones.

The best advice I've heard so far is that if 1 child is easy, go for a 2nd.  If 2 kids tire you out, maybe it is time to call it a day?  For me, it is the loss of sleep that will influence interactions throughout the day.  I told the in-laws that I would be happy to have more children if someone would foot the bill for a night nanny.  So... we have two wonderful healthy girls who are now tween and teenaged.  They get along well and keep each other occupied splendidly.  Of course, one cannot predict these things.  I sleep reasonably well and happily play with other people's younger children too.  ;)  I'm certain that my sister-in-law will never regret having 3 children, but the oldest was shared between two households and is now a bit lost when it comes to college and other goals, the middle child is extremely insecure, and the youngest was diagnosed with childhood onset diabetes a year ago.  I am sympathetic and help out when it makes sense for all involved, but it is not an easy life for this SIL, and to say that her career has suffered is probably a gross understatement.

Hi! We have three children. I had my kids at 38, 40, and 43. I love having three kids and I think if you feel as you describe you should go ahead and have another kid. At 43 I had much less tolerance for sleep deprivation so I would plan ahead for that. You may feel differently. Ironically I had and still have way more patience with my third kid than I did with my other two. To be truthful, my husband found three kids a real stretch and still does. I thought the adjustment to two was way more difficult. There is no way to tell what kind of pregnancy and birth experience you will have. Nor what kind of baby you will have. :) Just surround yourself with positive supportive people and make sure you plan for support during the first two or three years. Just my two cents and experience. 

This is not a direct answer to the points you are making, but something else to think about. You may or may not feel the same about things in a few years when you are menopausal and your kids are teenagers, and your family members (parents, relatives) may need a lot more support from you. I really really really (!!!) wanted to have two kids and got what I wanted. I have a big gap between them (the oldest one is 20 now and my youngest one is 8), and just turned 50. My first one had some developmental delays and generally has had various issues growing up, but I loved him more than anything and postponed my second pregnancy until his childhood issues were finally under control. I wanted the second one so bad and was ecstatic when I finally had her. Now, at 50, I wish I never had kids at all. This may be a "stage" and it could be and is likely related to my menopause, but consider that you will be menopausal at some point in a foreseeable future and your kids that you already have and your family members will age and have different needs and abilities. Never in a million years did I expect to feel this way. My whole identity was shaped and revolved around being a mom ever since my first baby, so it's always been about my kids: getting pregnant, having them, raising them, making sure they become independent and successful adults. I never stopped to think about myself as a person. If you are able to maintain a sense of your own self and enjoy things that aren't related to your kids now and are able to do that when you have another one, then by all means go ahead and have more kids. But, beware that you may find it's really tough if your whole identity is so dissolved in being a "parent" that you end up having nothing if say your kids (or even one of them) don't turn out the way you thought they would. My older one did drugs, started on sex early, went into depression and was suicidal and hospitalized, and he was the sweetest little kid all the way until he turned 16. My husband and I have a great relationship, love each other and our kids, there were very few stressors in our lives and we've always shielded our kids from the ones that came our way, so there was no way to predict our older one would be in so much trouble. Not saying your kids will, but what if?  Do you have mental and financial resources to cope with anything like that? Sorry don't mean to scare you or take you aback with so much negativity but thought I'd give you another perspective, as a 50 year old. 

Do it. 

I have a friend who is 43 and about to have their first (planning for only child) and she has a great attitude, "not crazy about being the older parent but someone has to be". LOL. She takes great care of herself and has a youthful, fun spirit. I don't think it's uncommon in the Bay Area to have a baby at 42 or 43. And it would be your third. 

It sounds like you have the resources and support from your partner so I say go for it. I can totally relate to that pull--almost immediately after having my second I felt this strong urge that I wanted to have another baby. Biology is a funny thing! The feeling didn't go away. For me, we don't have the financial resources to responsibly handle that, and I didn't have the support of my partner, so that made the decision for me. I actually switched my career within healthcare so that I now work with infants and their toddlers and their caregivers and that fills me up. :)

Be well and I hope a decision that feels whole and good come soon. 

I am going through a similar thought process but regarding number two. And I have never been so on the fence about anything. I have come to realize that either way I will be happy- but either way I will mourn the loss of what I don't have- be it the second (or third) child, or the ease/ financial gain of one less child. I am so undecided I told my partner the choice is his. And I know whatever is chosen I will try to focus on what is gained rather than lost. 

I had my third at age 37. I am now in my late 50s. I really wanted a third because two seemed so ordinary, I wanted my two kids to have another sibling, and I was afraid I would regret it if I did not act then. I don't regret my decision to have three, and I love all my kids, but being an older parent has its challenges. My third child also happens to be my most difficult in terms of temperament. I think Generation Z is so far removed from my Boomer generation that I find it hard to relate to my youngest on so many levels. That is something you may want to consider. Part of me might say you should be happy with the two healthy kids you have, but in the end it is your decision, and you will rise to whatever challenges you might face. At my age I am finding that parenting a young adult can be fraught. Maybe part of it is menopause or just being older or the generational divide. When my children were young, I found parenting to be physically demanding, but certainly doable. You believe that once you get through the toddler to teenage years and they become adults, that your parenting responsibilities will decrease, but that is not always the case. I am finding parenting more challenging now on some levels. I love my kids and have found motherhood to be very fulfilling, but, at this stage in my life, I can understand now why some people choose not to have any or to have only one. Kids are truly wonderful, but they can also break your heart. These are just some things to think about. 

I had two and then really wanted a 3rd but was very freaked out that I would be overwhelmed and it would be too much. I spent a long time agonizing over it. I ended up having the 3rd at 40. I couldn't be more thrilled. It's hard and there are moments when I think about how much simpler and easier and cheaper it would have been if we had stopped at two, but there isn't a single moment that I even slightly regret it. Having three is awesome. And I find that I really savor the 3rd, knowing that I'm actually done. I do find that I have more patience for the crazy toddler years, than I did with the first two.