Desperate for a therapeutic boarding school for high schooler

I've spent the last couple of years considering options for my teen.  In addition to what you described we also had sneaking out at night, on-going bullying an episode of physical violence against a sibling, barricading in the room for days at a time, refusal to follow house rules or engage in general civil behavior, beginnings of self-harm and cannabis and alcohol mis-use.  A real Jeckle and Hyde, our teen presents outside the home as a "a little down" but basically a good kid with friends and respectful to adults.  At heart this is a good kid who we love dearly, but clearly struggling in a way we cannot parent or help effectively despite "trying everything", including years of evaluations, therapy, and various other "interventions" both individual and family. 

We worked with The Bodin Group in Los Altos (http://thebodingroup.com/) to explore options. There is a wide range to consider from treatment at home, to therapeutic wilderness programs, to a range of boarding schools (traditional, supportive, therapeutic).  This is serious stuff and traumatic for not only the teen, but also the whole family.  If you are considering a therapeutic option, I highly suggest you work with a professional and speak with many parents that have been through / are going through it.  Therapeutic programs and schools are truly the point of last resort after "everything else" has failed.

At the beginning of this summer, we were one scheduling phone call away from entry into a wilderness therapy program - application in, acceptance offered, spot held.  A final few phone calls with parents who's teens had gone through the program made us think the move was too drastic for us, we became concerned we risked further alienating our teen.  We realized we we'd be putting our teen in a program with much more troubled teens than ours, and that we hadn't "tried everything".  Getting through the summer was hell.

Our teen is now in the second week of an out-of-state traditional boarding school with an optional supportive program which we found with the help of an independent high school placement counselor.  We are hopeful the supportive program is appropriate to address our teen's challenges that underlie the out-of-bounds behavior. Our teen went reluctantly, but after a few days of radio silence, communication is open and better than it's been in a long time.  Clearly, we're in the early days here, but all looks promising.  We are grateful that our teen is in a structured environment with adults we trust, and for relief from the constant stress day-to-day parenting a teen like this put on our marriage and family.  We'll see how it goes, but I'm glad we made this decision.  I'm more hopeful than I've been in a long time.  (BTW: the $ spent with Bodin was well spent, as it got us to this point, even though in the end we did not follow Bodin's recommendation).

These programs are all ridiculously expensive.  They are deep investments in time and emotion as well as money.  There's something underlying the troubledness.  Do your research thoroughly and find what's the next best step for your teen and your family.  You're not alone, find other parents / parent groups to support your through this phase.  I wish you the best through this difficult process.

I can honestly say sometimes I feel the same, like I don't know if I can survive my daughter's lies and acting out very much more. So, if you find anything, a good school, I'd definitely be interested to hear and kept in the loop. It hasn't gotten to that point yet, but I'm keeping my options open.

I am SO sorry that you are in this situation. I'm sure you'll have many responses. A good resource when you are considering residential treatment is Willows in the Wind. They have been really helpful for me. DREDF is a fantastic resource to learn about educational law and your rights.

My son was hospitalized non-stop for 3 months for harm to self and others prior to entering a crisis RTC in St George Utah. He's now at a wonderful step-down RTC called Heritage School in Provo Utah. We found out he has autism spectrum disorder and was really good at hiding his daily struggles and challenges during the school day. Based on my experience, please be sure to completely exhaust all other resources before resorting to residential treatment, unless it is a matter of life or death. Your child needs to be assessed for learning disabilities and illnesses.

Follow the law, start immediately with the school and with your health insurance and do not back down until you get what you need. Document everything you do to advocate for your child.

There is no such thing as advocating too hard for your child's rights. 

Best wishes.

My heart goes out to you as I imagine the anxiety about the safety and well being of your daughter is overwhelming. Similar to one of the other responses, I recommend an education consultant/consulting group such as Bodin. there was another one we interviewed in Walnut Creek I can't remember the name of.  We were impressed with both but didn't use them. We didn't use one at first because it seemed so expensive, choosing to do our own research, placement tests, transportation etc. and it ended up costing us way more, on many levels, in the end. There is a whole industry out there and it is unlikely you would find all the options and best fit without the help of a consultant.

After choosing not to do a wilderness therapy program but rather going straight to a therapeutic boarding school of our choice, our daughter ended up in the hospital for 10 days under psychiatric care after extreme emotional outbursts and episodes of self harm attempts in the 30 days at the therapeutic boarding school where we had enrolled her.

After the hospital, she went to Evoke which is a wilderness therapy program in Bend, OR for 3 months (she really thrived there and the therapists were excellent - Brigitte and Sabrina) and then the Academy at Sisters which is a girls therapeutic boarding school for about a year. I highly recommend both of them.

Our daughter never really appeared to struggle prior to 8th grade except some red flags 

Continuation of Evoke/ Academy at Sisters experience:

around being overly engaged with social media and addictive screen behavior that interfered with real life and getting school work done. She also tends to be a creative, very sensitive soul, and for most of her life loved school. Perhaps she was just really good at hiding anxiety or wanting to please. For 9th grade she chose to go to an out of state, highly respected, incredibly expensive academic prep boarding school, that she got a scholarship for, and seemed like a dream come true. That year she went into a severe depression, however the school was not really fully aware because she sort of functioned.  We were not able to figure out what was going on as she disconnected entirely from us and her anger toward us prevented any kind of dialogue. The school kept recommending she finish out the year even though we felt something was drastically wrong. When visiting her she would not engage, same when she flew home. She never said she didn't want to be there and was very defensive if we asked how things were going. We were very concerned about the idea of wilderness/therapeutic boarding school/RTC concept because she really wasn't appearing to do extreme things relative to others, and yet she obviously needed help and did not want to be home or have anything to do with us.

A young woman from our town,

Evoke/Academy at Sisters mom:

A young woman from our town who had just graduated from a therapeutic boarding school said to me, "I think most parents wait too long before they take serious steps". So that is really what precipitated our journey with the more extreme pro active path of therapeutic boarding school etc. Our experience and those parents I have spoken with highly recommend a wilderness or RTC program initially - with our daughter, like I said above, we thought she could just go straight to a therapeutic boarding school but that didn't work. She flailed even more. I really believe the wilderness therapy gave her the initial skills to begin reflecting on her reactions and develop healthier communication skills.

​It's a rough path. I feel very clear kids' access to media is not helping anything. Books I recommend are "Untangled" (most helpful if your daughter is 11 or 12 as pro active reading) and "American Girls: social media and the secret life of girls" (to begin to recognize the impact of technology that is inappropriately used and relied upon). For movies and ongoing up to date info I recommend Screenagers.

I recommend you speak with Teresa Currivan , http://helpmychildthrive.com, before you do anything. She does phone consultations as well as in person consults, and she will talk with you about the situation, your daughter, and make recommendations on therapeutic & educational options, including what schools to look at, etc.  She helped me with my own daughter when we realized public school was definitely not going to work for her (or us) and I occasionally follow up with her to get a "reality check" on where things are at now, even though big picture is things are going really well.  My daughter was much younger (8) at the time of her crisis, but Teresa works with kids of all ages and I've referred a few friends with teens to her over the years.

As a former "teenage monster" myself, I want to say, your daughter is crying out for help in the only way she can right now. Please hear her pain above all else. I am now a happy and successful business owner & mother, but I'm pretty sure there was very little evidence of my future success in the ways I appeared to others, the things I said and did. I wish I'd had an adult advocate, ideally my own parents, but at least someone who saw me and understood me.

I feel your pain...your daughter is acting out and I've found, after being in your situation, it doesn't get better. You didn't mention if your daughter is in any kind of traditional talk therapy. I would start there, but judging from what you've described, she may not go willingly.

We used Prepare to Bloom, as a therapeutic and educational consultant. Berkeley High was worthless in helping the situation. Shayna helped us evaluate which next steps or programs our daughter needed. After her behavior escalated we decided to send her to wilderness therapy at Trails Carolina. After that program she went to Spring Ridge Academy, a therapeutic boarding school. I've found the advice after wilderness is usually boarding school, because it's very hard for these kids to return to their prior lifestyle. Trails was an amazing experience for our daughter and our family. It's an well thought out program that doesn't use as much isolation therapy as others. Spring Ridge had it's ups and downs, but did a great job preparing her for her return to "real life".

I'm happy to say after all of this that my daughter is doing very well. I can't fathom what would have happened if she did not get the help she needed. 

First, I want to tell you I am sorry for your pain, and know this is a difficult time.  I am glad you are reaching out to find out more from folks who have been there.

Our 16-year-old daughter has just returned from 13 months of residential treatment and is thriving--kind, loving, responsible, managing all aspects of her life, joyful and engaged--and I wish that we hadn't waited so long to seek more treatment than simply a couple of therapists.  It was really helpful when her psychiatrist said, "She needs more help than two loving parents who are not trained professionals can provide.  She needs trained and compassionate professionals who can rotate through shifts to provide the high level of care she needs now."

First step:  hire an educational consultant.  They are expensive but know the industry and the many, many programs and what type of program your child will respond to.  After a very poor experience with one consultant (find out how much time you are contracting them for.  We found the first consultant did not accurately represent the kids that were admiited to the program we chose, and were very upset to find kids with much more serious problems than our daughter, and that we only received three hours of direct consulting advice for placement recommendations.), I interviewed 7 consultants from around the country and ultimately chose Vania Mattheus, who is based right here in the east bay.  She's been exceptionally knowledgeable and constructive in her input, and even the residential staff and management express their trust and gratitude for her insights and strategies for supporting our daughter prior to coming home.  Consultants have knowledge about the inner workings of programs, and through experience know when a program is not functioning in a manner that benefits its students.  It's difficult for laypeople like inexperienced parents to truly assess quality and program problems.

Next:  get informed.  Jan Rao and Willow in the Winds is an incredible local resource for learning about educational consultants, types of programs, and connecting with parents struggling and learning in the same process.   An additional resource is SNAP: Support Network for Alumni and Parents for families served by the residential treatment community, and is a offshoot of the National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs (NATSAP).  The website has an extensive listing of websites, programs, and other support services for families.  

Very helpful books:  Second Shelter: Family Strategies for Navigating Therapeutic Boarding Schools and Residential Treatment Centers; Rebecca Haid (probably the first book you should read, as it covers the range of programs offered and how programs differ);  The Road Home, Ruben Jimenez; The Journey of the Heroic Parent: Your Child's Struggle and the Road Home, Brad Reedy; Not by Chance: How Parents Boost Their Teen's Success In and After Treatment; Tim Thayne; Parallel Process: Growing Alongside your Adolescent or Young Adult Child in Treatment, Krissy Pozatek.

This decision is certainly the most difficult I ever faced, but I am glad to have made the choice and feel profoundly grateful for the growth and healing in my daughter and our family as a result.  Many blessings to you, your child, and your family on your journey.