Switch from private to public middle school for high performer
Hi All,
After Covid, my then second grader went back to our neighborhood public school and halfway through we switched her to a private school where she advanced to third grade. This was definitely the right call, and she’s been at that school ever since. So she’s now 11 and in sixth grade instead of fifth grade. The problem is that private school she’s going to is 1) very expensive for us and 2) leaves a little to be desired academically (the first 3 years were fantastic). My older son did sixth grade at the public school and, I think, got a much more rigorous education, particularly in English and math.
My question is this: 1) do we move my daughter back to the public school where she would repeat sixth grade and be with her old friends, 2) do we continue seventh and eighth grade at the private school, 3) or do we move her to the public middle school for seventh and eighth grade where she wouldn’t know anyone?
She’s a high performer and has excelled even with skipping a grade, but she doesn’t want to stand out. And the big public middle school (where my son goes currently) would probably be overwhelming, particularly because she doesn’t know anyone and her old friends are all a year behind her at this point. Her social emotional well-being is high priority, and if she’s not challenged, she’s not going to do well in that regard… but it is possible that repeating sixth grade in a different school could be sufficiently challenging if she has a great teacher.
Please let me know if you have any opinions here. Thanks!
Parent Replies
It sounds like you have a very bright child. Is she gifted? Neurodiverse? Where is she on the puberty train? What is her temperament? Is she quirky, artsy? What does SHE want to do?
We have a very smart kid and could have skipped a grade but we didn’t. Instead, we chose a small progressive private school where they differentiated enough that kid wasn’t too bored. However, when it was time to choose Middle School, kid wanted more academic challenges. She felt she wasn’t being challenged enough.
Fast forward a year, we are looking to switch to a small progressive private school. Puberty changes EVERYTHING. Particularly in middle school, we have learned that social needs are exceptionally important as well as learning how to learn and learning and practicing study skills, life skills, etc.
The academically more challenging school has been a horrendous experiment for us. Our once happy and confident child became socially isolated, anxious, and depressed with low self esteem not because of the academics but because she didn’t have friends and had a hard time making friends in a sea of more “traditional school” kids. (We never expected that she would have social challenges as the child has always been outgoing and made friends easily. But middle school girls ……)
Being smart can make kids quirky. Public schools don’t differentiate and give a lot of busy work. It is socially harder to navigate. AND, being a new kid in 7th grade is not easy when other kids have spent a year developing friendships. When puberty starts, hormones are wild.
It is hard to know what the right move is and I know you want the best for your kids and do right by them.
For us, we are now spending thousands of dollars extra for therapy on top of private school tuition because our kid crumbled socially and emotionally. If I could do it over, I would have prioritized social and emotional wellbeing and developing study and life skills like thinking critically, executive functioning, building confidence and resilience while navigating puberty. We have and can always supplement math with a tutor, khan academy, or real life problems. ELA — if the kid keeps reading and writing, I don’t see how you can fall behind.
Self esteem and self worth once destroyed are really hard to build back. Emotional distress leave a scar. Right now my kid is a hot mess and depression in tween/teen is scary.
Being smarter than your peers in an environment that does not truly focus on SEL is really hard and lonely.
If your child has good friends and is reasonably happy at the current school, I would stay and look to make a switch to public high school.
If you have to switch to public, I would choose the option of being with friends unless you can arrange and foster friendship with 7th graders before school starts so that she has friends going in to the 7th grade.
I would not choose option 3. Being a new kid at a new much larger school with no friend at a time when a girl may start being flooded with hormones and body change seems very risky. (Been there and we regret our decision.) even if your kid hits puberty later, she will have classmates who are all on different stages of puberty.
I would move her to another private school with better academics. Ask about financial aid options. My son went to the Academy and loved it. It is very academic with small classes. I have also heard great things about Black Pine Circle.