Summer activity for resistant 16.5 year old

Hi there, I’m the mom of an ADHD child who is now 20. And reading your post, it sounds like your daughter has a brief window of unstructured time right now. She’s had a stressful year at school, and she’s headed for boarding school in a couple of months. Honestly, that sounds like a lot, even for an adult. This is counterintuitive to what you wanted, but my gut would say give the girl a break. Maybe set up a volunteer job at a pet shelter or a low-key dog walking or other local job a few days a week to give some loose structure, but let the girl relax a little.  Maybe plan some things with her as a family, like a weekly breakfast, or day trips with her on Wednesdays and Fridays for example. This could be a time that you could get close, she could relax a little, and spend some time with her friends.  I know ADHD can be challenging. I have been there. But sometimes over scheduling is not the solution. Maybe try to see this as a time for downtime, bonding, and an opportunity for her to do some low-key volunteer jobs that give loose structure to the week. Sometimes structure can feel like control. This might be a chance for her to practice, making her own decisions and living with the consequences. It’s a really important skill. But I say give the girl a break. 

I wish you the best. 

This is a tough situation. We had a similar issue with our daughter when she was slightly older. What finally worked for us was patience and natural consequences. Though it was difficult for me, I learned not to press her on looking for work. However, we did not give her any spending money during this time. That ended up being a great motivator. She did not like being broke. She eventually found a great age-appropriate job.

My understanding is that it can be difficult to find summer jobs these days so the self-employment idea may be the best bet. Is there a trusted adult in her life whom she could call upon to help her get organized? We have found with our daughter that while getting assistance from us is anathema, she will accept help from other adults. Good luck!

My recipe:

Stop fighting with her. It will be hard to control yourself, but it is the most important step. 

Set boundaries. Tell her how much money and how many rides you will provide.  Friends are important. Please provide enough money or rides so she can see her friends regularly. No matter how much she yells or begs, stay calm, stick to your boundaries. 

Trying to control a teenager will just make you both miserable. Give it up. Make it your goal to listen and understand. 

I'm sorry you and your daughter are in this position. It's a tough one. I've been in a similar situation myself.

You can set healthy and respectful limits, but you can't control how she will react or respond. My suggestions would be to get through the summer with as much kindness and compassion toward both yourself and your daughter as you can muster. Decide and, as simply, clearly, and compassionately as possible, communicate how you're going to handle the summer as soon as possible. Take a deep breath. Remember "No" is a complete sentence. You'll have some space from each other soon.

Here's what I did: 
Since my child would not go on our family vacation (and to be honest, I wasn't looking forward to them going on it), and it was not acceptable for them to stay home alone, we brainstormed a solution together. They ended up staying with one grandparent (in a senior facility!) for one night, then flying to stay the rest of the time with an out-of-state grandparent.

Since being at home all summer with little structured time was going to be difficult for all of us, I gave them a choice of three 2-3 week sleep away experiences with the option of proposing another one of their choosing. They didn't hav a choice whether to go; they had a choice where they would go. They ended up going to a 2-week sleep away camp. I can't say they were happy about it, but they went. It gave the rest of us at home a break from the tension, and them a break from us.

Since they were not amenable to getting a job (tough for 16-y-o's in this area anyway), I offered to pay them for volunteering or doing extra chores around the house. I asked for 24 hours in advance to be paid or, in the case of needing a ride, being driven to the volunteer opportunity location. Anything spur of the moment was at my discretion to pay or drive (encourage planning in advance and working around my schedule). I also let them know, as directly and with compassion as I could, that no "free" money would be given (they do have a summer birthday and often get cash from relatives), and requests for rides were at my discretion and more likely to be granted if arranged in advance around my schedule (no interrupting my work).

I'm going to suggest a resource that is geared toward parents of kids with substance use issues, but the information applies to improving any parent/child relationship. Consider taking a look at The Parent's 20-Minute Guide (free online resource) by CMC:ffc. I found the information helpful when I was at the stage you're at. If you find the guide of value, they have a more in-depth resource available The Invitation to Change: A Short Guide (also free online or available for purchase in physical book format).

Good luck to you in getting through the summer. Remember: when things get heated, take a step back to cool down before taking the next best step.

That's a really hard time. If she has something she likes to do, helping her find it would be good. If she went to a day camp in the past she might be able to volunteer there now. It is difficult for teens to find summer jobs, especially in Berkeley, because they are competing with college students who want to stay here for the summer. It might help if you can hold on to the idea that this is a tim- limited problem, given that she's going away to school in the fall. My main thought both as a parent and a teacher is that although she might be happy for you to go away without her on vacation, there are often problems with most kids when parents leave them at home while they travel.

I actually have empathy for her need to rest and be with friends before she leaves in the fall. I think you should support some of this, especially time with friends (maybe some special little adventures that you and other parents set up).

But - you are the parent! If you say work is a requirement, then she needs to get a job! Cut off allowance. Explain that a phone is a privilege. There are TONS of p/t jobs still available this summer. She may need big hand holding to apply and interview. Choose something really basic for p/t work. Enthusiastically praise her for every small step in the right direction. Does she want to be a babysitter? Have her call every nearby summer camp and see if they’re accepting apps for junior counselors. Call church or synagogue camps. Or go to places like Jamba Juice and chipotle and fill out apps. Tell her it’s not only about the money, you want her to have the experience of being employed with a W2 and a boss who can provide a recommendation for future work.

At 16 she is not in charge here. If this is a parental requirement then she simply has to work. 

Sending love and strength.

Take all my advice with a big grain of salt since it is based on nothing but your three paragraphs and my own experience:

It sounds like you need to figure out how to let go and set some boundaries that work for you. She gets an allowance, and that's her spending money. You're available to help her secure work this summer in the following ways. If she wants to do her own thing, that's awesome and good for her. (Offer her support that you're comfortable with and empathy when it fails; avoid "i told you so" and stick to "that's rough. I'm sorry.")

I would also, probably in the same sit-down conversation, say that one of the advantages to having a planned out summer is that you can plan for travel. You respect that she wants an unstructured summer. The trade off is that you won't be able to commit to rides. Get her an unlimited AC transit pass and a bike helmet and let her know what works for you. 

If there are other boundaries that you need (Does she have a curfew? Household responsibilities? Do you need her to get out of the house for certain windows?) get those on the table, too. 

And when the inevitable complaints do arise, you can say "dang, that's hard. But we talked about this. It's too stressful for me, so I won't be driving you. I can help you look up how to get there on public transit if you'd like."

I'm the parent of an ADHD kid, too, and find he needs breaks but also needs structure. Maybe volunteering a few times a week would be good? 

ASPCA looking for teen volunteers this summer: https://eastbayspca.org/youth-programs/shelter-scouts-youth-volunteering

She could do that AND putter around w/ her self employment idea? 

Elise

I would definitely try to stop butting heads and fighting ;) This may not be what you want to hear, but it doesn't sound like getting a job is something she "needs" to do. I get not wanting to hear complaints all summer. Maybe the thing to do is for the 2 of you (and another parent if one is in the picture) to sit down and come up with some goals and guidelines for the summer. If it were me, I would want her to participate in family travel. Maybe she could invite a friend on the trip? If her goal is to accomplish something specific with her "self-employment" maybe you could brainstorm some ideas for how she could accomplish that. A rough outline of a schedule or list of tasks she would need to do to accomplish her goals. I think the key word there is "her." Most people find it hard to accomplish goals that they didn't set for themselves. I don't see why a 16 year old "needs" to get a job unless your family needs the income. You could also set expectations about rides and money. What are you will to give and under what circumstances? Maybe set a number of rides you are willing to give per week, or the kind of activity you are willing to drive her to. Are you willing to give her a specific allowance?  

If she had a "rough" year and is about to go away to boarding school, I think resting and seeing friends are fine things to prioritize. For sure you don't want to spend the summer exhausted and fighting all the time. 

My daughter is 19.5 and has ADHD as well. She got her first job in the summer when she was 17.5 at the regular grocery store. Then the following year, she got in at the high end grocery. She is a courtesy clerk. It has given her so much growth as well as friendly coworkers. The prior year (age 16.5), she did some pet sitting, modeled for a neighbor's online business photo shoot, made some cutesy jewelry. When she was looking to get a job (yes, at our insistence), my husband went around with her to see where she might have any interest. I am still working on accepting that even though she is a great student and in community college, she is on a slower path. Good luck and hang in there, mama!

Hi, during my growing-up years in a different country, kids normally didn't do summer jobs or summer camps. They would sleep late, hang out with friends, get really bored, and wish that school would start soon. It sounds like that's what your daughter wants and it's not entirely a bad thing -- it's a much needed break, specially for kids for whom school is hard. My kid has ADHD and she refuses to go to after-school, because just getting through the school day is her limit.

In terms of wanting money and rides, I can see that being exhausting. Perhaps you can set a budget and a certain number of weekly rides she would get, and that's it. Other than that, she can read at home,  take online courses, cook, and help out with other things around the house.

I'm sorry you're in this spot.  My only idea is to see if local friends or neighbors need help during their travels.  My teen has happily signed up for garden care and pet care small jobs.  It's not a lot but it might help with spending cash and some structure and responsibilities.  Maybe she could even post here what she's willing to do and how she's be good at it.  I guess I have one other thought - what about a running club or zumba class or something?  Maybe even a mixed ages one you could do together a few times?  Something to get moving and social that's cheap or free.  

Good luck. 

I have a similarly challenged teen. I totally understand you have concerns about an unstructured summer. However when our kids reach the max it’s best to empathize. We can validate those feelings (again and again) and at the same time set some parameters. It sounds like she doesn’t need to work but mostly you want her to have some commitments and responsibilities. Think about what options there are such as volunteering, taking a class such as dance, yoga or drivers ed, specific responsibilities around the house. Then sit down and talk as a family about which things she is wanting/willing to do and what your expectations are. It’s totally reasonable she wants some unstructured time with friends. If she’s open to volunteering maybe just some dog walking or other fun activities? Maybe she needs to have 2-3 structured days/week and others are relaxed? As for family travel, that seems a reasonable expectation. Perhaps as some mentioned bring a friend? Maybe travel near where she is going to school so it feels more familiar? Perhaps take some shorter trips for 3-4 days so she balances that out with time with friends? Whatever you do let go of your anger and expectations. Figure out what exactly is driving your frustration and brainstorm with your partner/spouse what could alleviate that? If it’s you not wanting to drive her places put that on the table. If it’s that your finances are limited, put that on the table. Truly I get it and you won’t get what you want and neither will she in this type of back and forth. Remember she’s not an adult. Her brain is still growing. And it’s totally normal to want to spend time with her friends at this age. Good luck to you!