Strategies for communicating about teen location/activity
I have a teenage daughter who is emerging from the pandemic very interested in spending time with friends at Montclair Park, taking the bus, biking around, etc. We live in a part of Oakland that is mixed in terms of safety. I am inclined to both verbally communicate with her about where she plans to be but also be aware of her location via our iphones. Her personal wiring is such that she feels like I am 'stalking' her if I want to know exactly where she is. I'm wondering how parents of teens deal with this dilemma and how you respond when you get really angry, defensive responses from your kids. It is also worth noting that some of her friends are starting to do some low-level experimentation with things they are not legally allowed to do and go places that they are not supposed to go. This is a new world to navigate. I grew up in a town where I was biking, walking and taking the bus everywhere by 15, but Oakland is not necessarily like that. I would especially appreciate responses from folks who have not previously put a lot of limits on their kids. I am open to hearing actual 'scripts' that you use with your teens in terms of what your parental responsibility is, etc. Thanks!
Parent Replies
My son is like that, and, for the record, he turned the location services off his phone the minute he turned 18 which was fine with me. I don’t have a script - I usually fumble my way through these things- but the basic line was “if you want to have a phone, you need to leave the find my iPhone on (or find my friends, whatever works better.) Also no turning off the phone, which he did a few times when he was mad at me for whatever reason. After that, the trick is to NOT bring it up. He just sort of forgot it was on. So no nagging, no “I see you are in X location which means you can’t possibly home in 10 minutes like you said.” Etc. Just checking quietly and only talking about it when truly necessary. I will say it is a battle worth taking on - I found knowing his location enormously useful in terms of picking him up, knowing his ETA for dinner, etc. Teenagers are the not the best communicators about that stuff. If you get pushback, you can bring that up - that it helps you plan better in general, and it’s not for “gotcha” opportunities. And it means you can talk less on the phone, which she may appreciate. Good luck!
We have more than one child and have navigated this terrain with moderate success so far. The deal for us is if kids are going out with friends exploring, taking public transit, in places that are not entirely safe, they must have their phone on, charged, and respond to texts within minutes. Siblings share location with each other so it’s not me “stalking them”, but if need be, we can track them down. I have significant others’ numbers or their parents’ numbers for use only in emergencies. There was pushback to this, but my response was that it was non-negotiable and I would not abuse it. (And I haven’t) Kids had pepper spray and are not to use headphones when walking in unfamiliar places. We gave the oldest daughter an Athena when she went to college (it’s a discrete personal alarm system), but honestly, she travels with friends and hasn’t needed it.
If your kid is an only child, consider a cousin, BFF or someone else with whom to share location if s/he doesn’t want to share with you.
Now that ours are older and we trust their (imperfect) decisions, we mandate a curfew and if someone is too tired (or has had alcohol), just to know where they’re spending the night, or that they’ll Uber, not drive.
I’m certain some would be judgmental of our leniency, but we wanted our children to learn how to navigate the world with a safety net before launching them. They need to practice making choices and learning the consequences. I know there are a million things they’ve done that would make me blanche, but so far it’s engendered trust and an ongoing dialogue, even into young adulthood.
You might consider a quick and dirty self-defense course too, if anything to heighten situational awareness.
Oh, and the script has been, “You are my only son/eldest/baby and it’s my job to care about your safety. I’ll be sick with worry if I don’t hear back from you. I’m not stalking you or controlling you. This (your obligation to respond to me) is the bargain we’re striking for your freedom to go out.” I assure them I’m not interested in every detail of where they are and what they’re doing. But I need them to come back because I love them.
Good luck!
With our kids the deal was we installed the Find My Friends app so we could track their whereabouts. If they were to ever remove the app or even turn it off, they wouldn’t have a phone anymore. They don’t know when you’re tracking them; there’s no notification on their end, but you always know where they are. It was a dealbreaker for me. For me, this time and town is too dangerous for me to just let them run free. Find My Friends is peace of mind. The same applies if they don’t respond to my texts in a timely manner. If that happens, I would track them, drive over and pick them up.
This is a hard one. What we ended up doing is calling a lot. My kid is tech savvy and was able to take out any app or location program we installed. We weighed shutting down the phone but didn't for safety reasons. Their desire for privacy and independence is a major driver at this age. Some kids are more rebellious than others. Some simply need a longer leash to keep sane. The risks are out there, even if you live in a "safe" place like Orinda or Iowa. Good luck.
I grew up in Oakland and am currently raising two teenagers in Berkeley. My basic philosophy is, I trust you until I don't. So I expect them to tell me where they are going and how they're getting there. I expect to know when they'll be back or to keep me posted via text but I don't micromanage them. I don't "track" them and I basically ask them to make good decisions. I went to Montclair Park as a kid and took the bus or walked there. You can certainly walk, bike, or bus around Oakland safely, so I'm not quite sure what you mean. I never had a license as a teen and got myself around just fine. Have some basic guidelines and go from there. Growing up in Oakland can be a really great experience, so let them experience it.
We live in Oakland and my 15 year old is taking the bus around with friends - its great b/c it gives her some freedom and I don't have to drive her everywhere! Recently she's gone to Piedmont Ave, Bay Street, and Alameda beach (with detour/snack stop in Fruitvale). I feel the bus is very safe -- safer than BART -- and I always remind her to sit near the driver and not to make eye contact or stare at anyone who is acting erratically. I expect her to tell me where she's going, answer my texts, and to keep me posted on any change of plans. It's been great -- I thinking being able to confidently navigate public transit is a life-skill.