Single parent dating and child care
I'm looking for advice or recommendations.
I am a single mom and my ex husband is not in the picture. My son is 9 years old.
I've been dating someone long distance for about 7 months and we now live in the same area here in the bay. We have for about 3 months now. The problem is, even though it has been almost a year, it is still a really new relationship because we haven't really spent much alone time together to explore and nurture the relationship.
We are having problems right now that are turning into non-negotiables for the person I am dating, and that is we are not able to have alone time when we want or to go anywhere together because I have to plan it. Right now we only have babysitters and we have time limits because of it. We both understand that comes with being a parent.
How do single parents maneuver through this issue? i don't have a network of family or friends here to help with child care and babysitters become really expensive, especially with potential overnights.
Just looking for some advice.
Parent Replies
That's a good question. I never could figure it out, and I haven't dated in over 10 years. Really after my kid is in daycare all afternoon because I have to work, the last thing I want to do is also leave him with a babysitter, even with family or friends. The child is only a child once, but I'll have plenty of time to date when he is older. Is a new relationship really worth it?
You have to make friends! Find other people, preferable within a few blocks, who have a kid about the same age who is compatible with yours. Invite them over. If it seems good, you can try trading. Even overnight!
I'm not sure how to answer your question, but I just want to mention that it would be a red flag for me to be with someone who is 'non-negotiable' about the fact that I can't leave my child at the drop of a hat or for long stretches of time to nurture the relationship with them. As you implied, you are a parent first and foremost. I'd be careful with this one - I know lots of folks who have kids and date and this is not really an issue because most reasonable people understand what it means to parent, but at the risk of jumping to conclusions (though I think it's a reasonable one to draw) your partner seems to be on the selfish side and that's not a good thing for you or your son, fwiw. Good luck!
I concur with the person mentioning a red flag. There are some people who want to be parents now and some who do not. I dated someone for about 2 years who didn't want to be a parent. It was always a "someday/maybe." And even then, she was considerate about my duties as a parent, particularly a single parent, and that my relationship with my son was my primary one.
The scheduling is hard, yes. I'm in a similar position in having no family nearby, and only *very* recently making friends of my son's friend's parents. But whether your partner likes it or not, the scheduling and limited time is the default position here. It will *always* be limited and somewhat distracted, particularly as you focus on building your support network.
If they're not excited by the prospect of joining your family and helping in that capacity though... why bother. There are people who just "get it" -- the difference is night and day.
I am the solo parent of a 5-yo. Dating is tough when you don't get coparent-provided date nights.
I echo what other people said in that if your date really wants you to create a lot of spontaneous, flexible time, then the relationship probably isn't going to work out. I dated someone for about a year (when my kid was 2-3), and although this person seemed really excited about my kid when the relationship was new, after several months the time restrictions began to really weigh on my date's enthusiasm. Ultimately this person just didn't want to date someone with a kid, and unfortunately it took them almost a year to come to this conclusion, at which time my kid (and I) had become attached.
The takeaway here is that you are a package deal, and although your date doesn't have to want to jump on the stepparent bandwagon, they at least have to accept the time restraints involved. And honestly, lots of life choices have time restraints--- frequent business travel, seasonal work schedules, family responsibility, etc. Just because this relationship might not work out doesn't mean you'll never date again. It just means more things need to line up. Best wishes to you.