Seeking Resources for Explosive Child

Therapy, for sure. My SIL sounds very similar to your daughter, and she was completely unbearable to be around up until the last 6 months or so (she's 21 now, but I've known her since she was 15, and she's apparently always been this way). She would be the teenager throwing a tantrum in a restaurant or cursing at her parents on Christmas; it was awful for me as a somewhat outsider, so I can't even imagine how difficult it was for my in-laws.

She eventually developed a very serious eating disorder during her senior year of high school, which led to my in-laws finally giving her an ultimatum of go to therapy or we won't pay for college. It didn't do much at first, but after a stint at an inpatient facility and finally agreeing to have her see a psychiatrist, the talk therapy plus medication to manage her anxiety (all of the outbursts and the ED stemmed from anxiety about things not being perfect and her being out of control), has significantly improved both her quality of life and that of her family. She still gets worked up from time to time, but it's much less severe and relatively infrequent.

My husband and I both think that if they'd started her in therapy earlier (at least around middle school age), it would have saved them a world of grief and been so much better for her.

How is her sleep? Does she have open mouth posture? Is she mouth breathing, snoring, or grinding her teeth at night? There's an informative video called 'Finding Connor Deagan,' that shares why one would ask these questions with regard to behavior. If in your gut it doesn't seem like this is your kid, look into airway issues and sleep. Did Kaiser suggest ADHD assessment? Frustration can come out as defiance. Inflexibility can be related to OCD which can be an ADHD co-factor.

Wow, this sounds tough! My child was also explosive and controlling but turned out to have anxiety fueling it. We did get help at Kaiser for both the anxiety and parenting. When we backed way off and didn't engage with her rages she would eventually calm down and be reasonable. This may be very different from your child but not engaging when the storm was happening worked for us. We also did some behavior charts, with rewards for positive behaviors, which helped some. The biggest help though was going to therapy together with a really good therapist. She was the third therapist we tried so perhaps you just haven't found the right person yet. We got lucky to find someone at Kaiser. When she left Kaiser we weren't as happy with the replacement. Changing our parenting helped a lot and our daughter, now 14, hasn't been explosive in years. She still struggles with anxiety and depression and is back in individual therapy for that. It is her temperament for sure but as parents, we can help our children manage their challenges a little better. Good luck. It is tough to parent a child with these issues.

Have you looked into Parent Child Interactive Therapy (PCIT)? It sounds like what you are looking for. I did it through a foster services program. If you google it, you will find at least a few therapists offering it.

Hi 

I would suggest the Yale Parenting Center.   They are now accepting new families for distance via skype and in person. They work both with families where there is significant issues and also with regular tantrums and explosiveness.  It sounds like one on one help vs a book could be helpful.  

Here is a link 

http://yaleparentingcenter.yale.edu/about-us/what-makes-us-different

I have no affiliation with them but have used their strategies.  I like they are short term. Goal oriented. 

Sorry for your troubles.  

Been there, with two, who are now 14 and 25!  Kaiser was almost no help.  I don't know how they get away with it.  

One thing that did help with both was earlier bed times and weekend naps, all the way until 10 or 11 years old.  Dysregulated kids can get exhausted trying to maintain.  So bedtime got moved to 7:30 pm along with storytime.  As long as I could make their bedroom dark, they didn't seem to mind the earlier time.

We also ended up going the medication route.  Insist on a diagnosis (anxiety, ADHD, Spectrum Disorders, depression, mood disorders, etc).  Kaiser has to provide mental health care, as well as physical health.  In writing, request a comprehensive psychological evaluation.  If Kaiser denies you or tells you it is better to wait, follow their internal appeals process until you get one.  If you are not satisfied with the result, request an outside evaluation.  

Also, hopefully you have family therapy.  And the book, "The Explosive Child," has been invaluable to me.

Best of luck, it is a long haul but if you can get her help, she can gain tools to make everyone's life easier.

Have you had her tested for autism? The combination of inflexibility and tantrums makes me think of this. Look for a developmental pediatrician to do the testing. The MIND Institute at UC Davis is also an excellent resource. Check out their website. 

Hello!

There is a free Temperament class called, "Living with Spirited Children" that my husband and I found to be incredibly insightful and helpful with our 3.5 year old spirited daughter.  On the first day it was like a giant light bulb went off.  We took home great information and techniques each day.  The class is at Bananas resource center in Berkeley.  It's given by Family Coach Rebekah Freeling of www.witsendparenting.com.  She also does one on one and family coaching if you need it.  Check her out.  He email is rebecah [at] rfreeling.com.

We also have a 7yo, a son, who sounds very much like your daughter, but he has also had behavioral/social trouble/inflexibility challenges at school. Our life is very much centered around him, even though we have a 2yo boy, too. I was at my wit's end last year around this time. I've also looked at every difficult child book and attended a zillion parenting classes and lectures. It's downright overwhelming when you're in the trenches and it's your child. It's also very hard to be a consistent parent when you have a noncompliant/difficult child. After awhile you think it's personal and they are out to get you! 

Here's what I've learned: when your child is as inflexible as you say, you can't do it by yourself. You need a guide to help steer your ship and involve all the members of the family. Last summer we worked with parent coach Rebecah Freeling based on feedback from this site. I would definitely recommend her because the strategies she recommended and the weekly meetings we had kept us all accountable. It also took the pressure off us as parents introducing a new "parenting tactic" because our son was a member (albeit generally unhappy to be there) of those meetings. In our case Rebecah recommended we meet weekly and plan out the daily schedule (activities, meals, baths - get as specific as needed) including our son in the process and letting him choose some things. She also encouraged us to put family work (dishes, laundry, cleaning up toys, etc) on this schedule. Rebecah had strategies for consequences that really worked with our son when we felt completely powerless. We could definitely use a refresher with her - the weekly meetings with a third party were extremely helpful. In addition to working with Rebecah I recommend that you find ways every day to spend good quality time with your child. I get it, you almost don't want to be around your kid because she is so difficult (believe me, I know), but part of the reason why your child is extra difficult with you is because she so desperately wants your attention - and even negative attention is better than nothing. I guarantee if you put down your phone and REALLY focus on her for 10 minutes a day (and let her know it's special time and she has your complete attention for 10 minutes to do an activity of her choice) you will start seeing your sweet child again. She will fight you at first because she will not believe it's real but once she sees you really mean what you say she will blossom with your attention. Also make time to naturally cuddle/touch her positively.  

We recently completed a neuropsych evaluation of our son and learned that anxiety plays a huge role in his life - this might explain why he's so inflexible and why not knowing what's next or not having things his way is downright scary to him - food for thought. Invest in household help, housecleaner and regular babysitter so you have more time to recharge and give your attention to your child. I know my firstborn will never be easygoing but improvements can be made. If you don't do something about the current extreme you have; it will be that much harder when your child is older, less malleable and the stakes are higher. Good luck to us both :)

I took an amazing course called Positive Parenthood at the Wellspring Learning Center in Walnut Creek.  It's taught by Robin Hague (robinhaugeclinic [at] gmail.com) who does an amazing job giving the parents tools on how to deal with their children.  The premise is that all children are different so some tools work better than others depending on the child.  She also has you take video of your interactions with your child and will provide feedback in terms of what went well and also how you can better approach each tricky situation.  The change doesn't happen overnight but I really learnt a lot from the class and found it very useful.  It is offered once a year by the school around October.  

Push Kaiser for an evaluation, or pay for one out of pocket. I could have written the same thing about my son..... he's a perfect student at school, rarely acting out. But at home, a different story. As he got older, some learning differences became more apparent and finally, at age 10, he's been diagnosed with ADHD. His school would never have considered evaluating him because he's high-achieving, academically. Might be the same reason Kaiser isn't suggesting it. But neuropsych evaluation gave us tons of insight into how his brain works and why he acts the way he does..... and now we have something to work with.