School that prioritizes well being over compliance and academics

Maybe Prospect Sierra? There seemed to be some scope for "coloring outside the lines" there (I have a recent grad) but of course as I'm sure you realize, almost all schools have to have structure. You might want to tour a few to get more granular about what you're looking for.

My kiddo has anxiety issues and we found Aurora School to be a warm and kind environment. My kid (and we) loved going to school and we miss Aurora very much. Aurora is very strong on social emotional curriculum. Academics are engaging and individualized. School meets each child where they are at. 

Of course, schools need structure but Aurora is very accepting of children’s different needs. I never got a sense that the school is educating future workers / cogs in a machine. I feel that Aurora excels at helping kids find their voice and be comfortable in their own skin, loving and accepting who they are while fostering empathy for others. 

My anxious child has graduated Aurora but we look back and feel that it was a wonderful and nurturing environment where my kid discovered so many things. We joined Aurora in 3rd grade and families join in 4th or even 5th. We have also seen families join in mid-year. Making friends is easy.  The current 4/5 teachers are incredible! My kid said, by far, their 4/5 teacher was the best teacher they have ever had and they think they will ever have! 

Aurora has a very unique project based middle school program. 

I second the recommendation for Aurora. The school prioritize cultivating a lifelong love of learning. They are also extremely good at meeting kids where they are. Some of this may be a function of the mixed grade structure. For example, my daughter's K-1 class has kids ranging from almost 5 to almost 8 so they have a lot of practice serving kids in a wide spectrum. It's a warm environment where everyone knows your kid almost immediately. There have been multiple families that moved from other schools mid-year or at the end of a year and the kids did great adjusting. 

We picked Park Day School because we were seeking a similar philosophy to what you describe. So far it’s going great, although admittedly, we are new this year and it’s only been a few weeks. But from having met several school alumni throughout the school selection process, that was the vibe I got - they seemed so down to earth, self-assured, and well adjusted (and that was what stood out about them - not their academic accolades). On the whole it seems the school emphasizes meeting kids where they are. 

You might want to check out Crestmont School. It is a small K-8 co-op and has a very community-minded and unique approach to education. I like the innovative project-based curriculum, the many hands-on community events, the dedicated teachers, the creative activities (tinkering at recess, peace bench, multi-grade bonding, flea markets) and the neighborhood-style after school program. A common thing I hear from other parents is their kid feels really seen here. Also, the kids are allowed to move and be in their bodies, they regularly have lessons outside, and they take monthly field trips.

My daughter went to Park Day school (K-8) and I feel it was great for socio-emotional development (I am a psychologist).  It felt family like, but large enough at the same time.  For HS , we moved to Albany, and Albany HS as pleasantly surprised me in this regard as well, especially given the reputation that I had heard.

Hi I would look into berkwood hedge. The school has been around a long time and is very dedicated to wellbeing and meets students where they are at. If you want academics they definitely have it but their focus on the holistic child is unparalleled. We have a 1st and 3rd grader there and every day they are excited to go to school and I honestly cannot imagine them being anywhere else. The teachers know everyone in the school and the parent community is very tight. Just go to a community meeting on a wednesday and you’ll see

Take a look at Walden Center & School! My kiddo started there in kindergarten. I was looking for a school where he would have a sense of self-direction and education flowing from his own curiosity, and where people respected and nurtured the unique possibilities of every human being, rather than being caught up in ranking and evaluation. I was impressed by someone’s comment that “everyone who went to Walden is doing what they came on this Earth to do.” And I knew my kiddo in particular would not do well with the sort of rules that are imposed just to reduce the chaos of taking care of lots of kids (e.g., sit at the lunch table only facing forward). 

This is our third year at Walden, and it has lived up to my hopes. The school is very small, around 12 per class. The teachers and staff  know every kid, and they are kind and dedicated and skilled. Kids know people in other grades and move freely around most of campus at recess and lunch. The school celebrates differences and individual initiative and creativity--really the opposite of training kids for an assembly line! There is time at recess and lunch to come up with creative games and endeavors (I think I remember a newspaper, a salon?) and those are celebrated. At the end of the year, teachers solicit ideas for units from the kids they’ll have next, so they get to see their own questions reflected in the curriculum. Walden also has an arts focus, so kids have visual art, drama, and music classes each twice a week, all of which my kiddo enjoys. In Spring the upper group (grades 4-6) puts on a play. At graduation last year, I was so impressed by the depth with which the teachers talked about individual kids; it made me feel that Walden teachers give kids the amazing gift of being truly seen.

Anyway, take a look! Walden is K-6 at present, but a committee is working toward the goal of adding 7-8 in 2026.

We had very similar concerns, and did some investigating and found Prisma, which serves kids from 4th-12th grade. We've tried multiple schools, and Prisma has by far been the best fit for our bright, sensitive middle schooler. It's not quite homeschool, not quite online school; the kids are placed into cohorts with a mentor coach, who is a credentialed teacher. They have about 1.5 hours of cohort meetings M-Th, as well as daily math. The rest of the time is asynchronous and spent exploring a 6 week-long learning cycle. Kids don't get grades, but earn badges and get detailed feedback from their mentor coach. The best thing is each cycle, the kid gets to choose how they want to engage with the cycle theme, and produce something that they then present to their cohort and family. It's been amazing for our student, and we fully intend for them to continue with Prisma through high school. I've had reservations about "social emotional development" language, but the kids I've seen at Prisma really do learn how to support and advocate for themselves and each other, and they're given the freedom to pursue their curiosity. The school is accredited and also meets all Common Core, NGSS, etc. standards, and I've been impressed by how often the faculty solicits and incorporates feedback. They also make all their teaching materials available to parents. We're no longer in the Bay Area, but I think there are at least a few Prisma families in the East Bay, and a greater number between Oakland/SF/San Jose. There are in-person get-togethers, and also travel opportunities for Prisma kids/families in the US and abroad.

I resonate very much with what you wrote. I wanted to reply to say that I wonder if you have considered looking at school as “the real world” and seeing an advantage to helping your kids grow into their best, happiest selves while also being in real-world school. I have twin 12-year-olds who attend a large public middle school. Most of the other kids have phones (and stare at them all day) - my kids don’t have them and don’t want them. Lots of kids are crazy overcommitted in afterschool activities - my kids aren’t - by their own choosing, because they see the effect it has. My daughter told me a story day before yesterday about a class exercise the teacher did asking if you would rather be “the worst player on the best team” or “the best player on the worst team.”  Only she and one other kid chose to be the worst players, because they thought they would learn more. I’m not saying all this to brag on my kids, but to say that I think if you raise your kids to love themselves, trust themselves, and stay true to themselves, their mental health can thrive in any school. And also they will be strong enough to know that they are “outside of the norm” and feel just fine about that. 

My kids attended an OUSD public school for K-5 that sounds an awful lot like what you describe... lots of lip service paid of "social emotional development" and "community" but just not enough adults in the building to do anything but prison-style crowd control. Uuuuuuuugh. 

We wound up choosing Prospect Sierra for them for grades 6-8, and it definitely has an approach that is more aligned with what you're describing. Like in OUSD, there are lots of deeply caring and thoughtful educators at the school, but unlike in OUSD, they had institutional support and freedom to implement policies that truly build community and honor the uniqueness of each kid. And there is just a smaller kid-to-adult ratio that allows for everyone to get to know the kids much better. One example that comes to mind... the 7th grade science teacher has a philosophy that kids need to learn science, but it's OK if it takes them a few tries or they can't quite do it on her proposed timeline. She does not punish kids for turning in things late as long as they communicate about it. And kids are allowed to re-do any assignment they want as many times as they want until they achieve their desired level of mastery. My now-high schooler learned plenty in that class but got to be free of academic anxiety while learning. It was great. My child is now an honors student on an accelerated pace in science at a highly regarded local private high school. So there was no conflict between those policies and "academic rigor," as far as I can tell. 

Lots more similar examples at Prospect... check it out! It's a very sweet, smart school run by some very thoughtful people. Love that place. 

I love what you wrote and it resonates with the experiences and values of our family/kids. We moved out of the  and are  suburbs. This goes here are supposed to be. We are supposedly in a school district of choice, but still feels like what you are describing. 

My experience is 30-50 years old, and from the east coast.  I went to a Waldorf school, where the overall spiritual health of the child was paramount.  My skills happened to be academic, which wasn't super stressed, and it worked out very well for me.  As for my son, he went to Montessori for 6 years, in a school whose motto was "follow the child".  Academics were not stressed, no grades were given, and he still managed to succeed quite well academically.  These two methodologies require teachers trained in them for them to be any good.  We were lucky and got excellent schools.

We have been very happy with Ecole Bilingue de Berkeley.  I feel like my kids avoided getting indoctrinated or "soul crushed" in the way you described and I have always found the culture to be a nice balance of high expectations matched with meeting the kids where they are. I think there is maybe something about the multi-cultural/bilingual situation that has drawn families with diverse aspirations for their kids - of course some parents hope for Stanford but I hear you, that's not what I was after and I haven't felt alone in that at EB.  They have been adding more entry points for non-french speakers in case it wasn't on your radar because of the french language.  When our oldest started (who's in HS now) there weren't as many onramps into the school but things have changed.  

Hi Anne,

I am a therapist in public schools in Oakland and understand your concern that children are first and foremost being taught to comply. Class size and behavioral issues in those classes really forces teachers to focus more on discipline than SEL concerns. My son is currently at Berkwood Hedge in Berkeley and we couldn't be happier with how the school prioritizes our child's wellbeing. We were turned on to the school by a preschool teacher who thought it would be a good fit for our shy and sensitive son. We loved that the curriculum is unit based with the kids taking a deep dive into a wide range of subjects each year. There is a lovely balance of art and music and language. And this year the school added wood shop to the weekly specials the kids rotate through. I can't say enough about the quality of the teachers and the creativity used to draw the kids into learning. My kid loves going to school every day and feels like he's a part of a community. I can see that many of the values that we hold as a family are reinforced at school which feels so important as the kids are there all day long! Feel free to contact me directly if you'd like to talk more. 

This wouldn't work for your middle school needs, but Walden Center & School in central Berkeley goes through 6th grade, and is absolutely what you're looking for otherwise. The school focuses strongly on socioemotional learning and community building within the entire school (within classes, across grades, and among teachers and parents too - they really walk the talk!). The school is run by a teacher collective on a consensus basis (they've been doing this for 65+ years, so they know how to have it work really well), and that lays the groundwork for the rest of the school community to embrace a similar approach to managing relationships with others. Classroom rules are discussed and decided on by consensus by the students and teachers at the start of every year, and the teachers devote time during morning classroom circles to proactively discuss how to advocate for themselves with others, communicate with kindness, be a good friend, etc. They also, of course, discuss issues that they see coming up in the classroom with that particular set of kids.

Most of the curriculum pulls on this thread as well - for example, my older kid's 2nd grade class last year had a set of projects on the theme of accessibility - they read about the Paralympics and the athletes who participate in it, studied whether the school grounds meet accessibility guidelines, and then worked on pretend "Client Briefs" where they designed homes to meet the needs of different individuals (e.g. what would someone with an electric wheelchair and a service dog need - an appropriate sized garage for their van, a backyard for the dog, electric plug points for the wheelchair, etc.). These projects involved lots of grade-level appropriate math, reading, social studies, engineering, etc - all while connecting to real issues that the kids see in their community. Right now my 1st grader is working on a lot of phonetics (which the teacher makes so fun for the kids somehow! maybe via magic) AND she's coming home talking about how while our family doesn't celebrate Hanukkah (we celebrate Christmas), some of her classmates do, and the way they share about their celebrations is a Window into seeing another person's life, and how that sharing is an important gift that someone can give you. And that there are things within the celebration of Hanukkah that Mirrors things our family does during our winter holidays (e.g. lighting candles), and how cool is that? (all direct quotes from my very chatty 6 yo who is already excited for the winder holidays! :D) I really love the Window/Mirror language that they use to ground these topics with the younger kids.

Finally, the school also has a strong arts focus, which allows for kids to shine in different ways than they might in more academic classes, and helps build the school & classroom communities. There are dedicated teachers for visual arts, music, drama & movement, and Spanish (all kids get two periods of all four every week). I think these classes really help back all of the socioemotional learning - for example, they work on improv in drama (building more skills each year), which includes ideals like figuring out how to "yes and" the ideas that your classmate throw out, and how to care for each other as an ensemble. 

Anyway, sorry for the book, but I truly believe that Walden is doing an incredible job in this area with their school philosophy and curriculum, and I highly encourage you to explore it as an option. My kids love going to school.

Crestmont School in the Richmond Hills checks all your boxes! There are many reviews of the school on BPN already, I encourage you to have a look. My son attended K-4th and had a wonderful experience. They are truly child centered and care deeply about the social emotional growth of the kids. Projects and class work are creative and meaningful, no “teaching to the test”.  
https://www.crestmontschool.org

We enrolled our daughter at Crowden School in Berkeley as she was starting the 4th grade. We had an unpleasant experience in a public school setting; there were nearly 40 kids in her classroom, she received almost no attention from faculty, and bullying had started to rear its ugly head. Crowden has been an entirely positive situation. The classes are small, the faculty and staff know every single kid in every grade, and the curriculum has been substantial in quality but not overwhelming, with teachers emphasizing critical thinking rather than hours of busywork and homework. My very sensitive kid has flourished here; she learned more in her first year there than the sum of all her years at the previous one, and is being challenged daily without being overwhelmed and frustrated. Her art skills have grown substantially, and her cello playing has become quite listenable. She has developed a friend group made up of very sweet kids and knows all the kids in the school. I would highly recommend taking a tour.

We looked at Aurora School, Berkwood Hedge, and Park Day School (listed in alphabetically order, not in our preference) carefully and chose one. All of them have a middle school. Park Day's middle school program has been around longer. Aurora's and Berkwood Hedge's middle school program is newer. Aurora and Berkwood middle schools join together to form a team for after school sports. I think all three are excellent schools that allow kids to be kids, explore their own interests, and develop empathy, kindness, and creativity. I feel that the small size and excellent adult to child ratio are what allow these schools to practice what they preach (social emotional, community, progressive education). 

We switched from public school to one of these schools and never looked back. We really wanted to find a place for our kid to be happy, change their outlook about school, and have fun. After the switch, our kid changed from "I hate school" to "I love school".  

Like you, we don't care if our kid goes to Harvard or whatever. Our kid is turning out to be academic, but completely by choice, and has been able to go into subject matters while also receiving advanced and differentiated instruction in math.  There is absolutely no pressure to perform academically. We have never asked about homework. There is no letter grade and very minimal homework for upper grades. We joined in the upper grade, so we don't know what it's like in the lower grades but if the upper grade homework level is any indication, I imagine there's no homework in the lower grades except reading. 

I encourage you to look into these schools. All of them offer financial aid, if that's a concern. 

I'd also look at St. Paul's in Oakland (which isn't a religious school, name notwithstanding!) They've long had a focus on scaffolding kids' social-emotional skills, but this year they've added a team of four staff members focused specifically on community wellness, student life, community-engaged learning, and diversity, equity, and belonging who are partnering with the school's mental health team to support both kids and adults on campus. It's a new model so still TBD how it will shape the student experience, but the staff who moved into the new roles have been leading that work at the school for many years. The educational approach leans progressive (e.g., cross-disciplinary group projects, hands-on learning in nearby parks, student-led conferences, etc.) and kids are asked to take ownership of their own learning, especially as they get into upper elementary and middle school. We've been happy with the balance there between academic rigor and kids' wellbeing.

We love Aurora, and feel that it would be an excellent fit for what you are seeking. We've found Aurora to be a place that encourages independent thinking, honors individual differences, and balances academics with the arts. Each grade explores a theme (e.g. power), and the lessons are taught in an interdisciplinary and integrated way. This allows the teachers to go deep on certain topics, and the students to make meaningful connections across curricular areas. The kids at Aurora value kindness, differences, collaboration, creativity, goofiness, innovation, intelligence, etc...meaning that whoever you are, there is a place for you to be celebrated, and it all goes way beyond compliance or cookie cutter education. You can reach out for my information if you’d like to ask specific questions. 

If you have a daughter I highly recommend looking at Julia Morgan School for Girls for middle school.  I have a child who is intelligent and inquisitive but also found our local (highly rated) public schools to be designed to crush that curiosity rather than encourage it.  Also, I felt their lipservice to social emotional development and inclusive community was just that.  We looked at many schools for middle school (Park Day, Head Royce, Redwood Day, Aurora, several others, our local public and charters...) and felt Julia Morgan was the best for the academic and social development and environment we were looking for, as well as encouraging intellectual curiosity and growth.   We felt it was the one school that maintained the academic rigor we wanted but not in a homogeneous, competitive, or "teach to the test" way.  We have been so happy with the school, the teachers, the way the "get" my kid and push her to grow and do her best work for her (not grade based but recognizing her strengths and pushing her to excel in those areas, not just do enough to get good grades).  They encourage her to take risks, speak up in class, and stretch beyond her comfort zone (but gently).  For example in 6th grade they each write (and publish) a novel, and spend a week on Peace Games (their version of Model UN) which my daughter loved.   In music they are learning to compose music (among other things) and she is now working on a song she is composing for class.  The STEAM class and projects are awesome, and the art she has produced in art class is byond what I would have ever imagined. I've also been impressed with how well the teachers know and care about the students personally, and how they really walk the walk on school culture and inclusion.  They really do a lot of groundwork to cultivate the culture (multiple days of orientation focused on building community before academics start).  It also helps that it's only middle school, so your child won't be entering a school where majority of the students have been together since kindergarten, and the entire staff is really focused on what students at that age need.  We liked components of many other schools but often seemed we had to choose between a school that fostered creativity and social emotional growth and inclusive community vs strong academic growth and challenge. Julia Morgan was the only one we found that we thought was good at all of the pieces.  Some other options that I can't speak to from personal experience might be worth looking at: Prospect Sierra, Black Pine Circle, Aurora, East Bay School for Boys, Park Day (Aurora, East Bay School for Boys, and Park Day stronger on the social/emotional and inclusive community/safe space, Black Pine Circle and Prospect Sierra stronger on more challenging academics)

I know you're asking about schools that would be a good fit, but it can be helpful to also know where to NOT look too. Our family picked Redwood Day for many of the reasons you described. We were disappointed by the culture, which we felt paid lip service towards social emotional development and community, but did not deliver. The academics were simultaneously not challenging for our child and "talked up" by the teachers and administration in ways that felt self-important and disconnected from reality. Resolving challenges with the administration and teachers was difficult. We, along with 1/4 of our grade, left the school after our experience last year. Now that we have experience with another elementary school, we see the problems at Redwood Day more clearly. It can be hard to figure out whether schools are being honest and reflective about their program and culture, which makes picking a school difficult. I hope this information is helpful in your search!