Group for spouses of depression
Hello -
I would like to find a support group or connect with others informally in a similar situation. Do you know of any resources?
My partner suffers from depression and anxiety; he took the election on Tuesday really hard. He disconnected from social media (probably a good thing) and wouldn't take calls from family. They called me instead, and all I could say was "I don't know what to do to help" and "let him know you love him, I am sure he is reading his texts."
He has some resources and is in treatment, so I am looking for a resource for me. I am having trouble with the worry, and disruption to family life that his depression brings for me. I had my first ever anxiety attack yesterday when I was out running errands. I couldn't breathe, and could barely see through the tears. My anxiety is for not being able to help him and feeling like what I try to do doesn't help or somehow enables him. I am frustrated (and have guilt for feeling so) for not having room for my grief and outrage at the election results to be acknowledged because his feelings overshadow. I'm frustrated that I lose my partner to depression when the work of parenting is so hard and I need my team. There's so much more, but hopefully that's enough of a start to connect with others who can share their experiences.
Thanks
Parent Replies
I do not have any recommendations for groups for you, and please forgive me for offering unsolicited advice. I just wanted to share what my husband has done to help me (I am the one who gets depressed). I was on anti-depressants for the first several years after we met, so he didn't get to experience me in a real depression until well into our relationship. When he finally did, he sat me down and said "WE cannot afford for you to fall apart. I NEED you to keep your head above water; our family needs you to keep your head above water. I will support you however I can, but I'm depending on you to do your part." (He did NOT point out any specifics of how I was letting him down, but he was really straight-up and did not sugar-coat it; he said it just like that.) For me, this was extremely helpful. It reminded me that I was important to him while also demanding that I take responsibility for the impact my depression has on those closest to me. All my previous partners had either frozen up and run from my depression, or coddled me; this was the first time anyone had told me they both needed and expected me to step up, and it had a big impact. (Btw, for a bit of perspective, we've been together for 17 years now and I've been through a few gnarly slumps during that time, but I've managed to suck it up and get through them because I HAVE to.) Feel free to read this to him.
Check out dbsalliance.or with its 2 times per week free peer led groups in Berkeley, nami.org, psychologytoday.com and call 510-204-4405 Alta Bates Herrick for possible referrals.
Take care.