Resources for aging father-in-law
I am venturing into new territory, and need some wise advice and guidance.
My father-in-law, age 71-ish, is starting to slip a bit. Nothing too bad, but to me the signs are there - he gets rattled easily, loses things constantly, and generally has more trouble navigating the frustrations of daily living. Not surprising, given his age. He currently lives alone, on a sailboat. He has no assets at all, aside from an older car and his (older, not valuable) sailboat. He still practices law, but his main source of income is social security.
For now, everything is ok, but looking down the road he will not be able to live on a sailboat forever. At some point he will need some other kind of housing, as well as possibly more services (medical care, food stamps, whatever he can qualify for).
I assume that any kind of senior housing has long wait lists, so the time to get started is now. But what do I do, and where do I go? I have no idea where to start, to find out what his options might be.
His boat is in Alameda, but I believe his mail is delivered to Berkeley. I don't even know where he would be considered a resident (I assume that matters?). Most of his friends and social network are in Berkeley, so ideally I would get him on some waiting lists there.
Our resources to help him are very limited, our finances are already stretched thin. Living with us would be a very big challenge - we are already a family of 4 living in 900 square feet (and my FIL can be somewhat difficult to deal with). If it comes down to it, of course we will take him in, but it might well destroy our marriage. I would prefer to avoid that.
Those of you who have been down this path, what steps should I take now? What agencies do I contact, what information to I need to provide them with?
Thanks for your help!
Parent Replies
Welcome to the world of caring for an elderly loved one! Although you read is still pretty independent be sure to keep an eye out that he is still paying his bills and taxes (or dock fees), and taking any medications correctly; those things are the first to get away from a declining elder. Some important points to know as you begin this journey: neither the local, state nor federal government is going to subsidize your father's care, you will have to pay for it. Medicare pays for a limited time (up to 60 days) if he is admitted to a nursing facility for something serious like recovering from major surgery, pneumonia or complications of diabetes. Likewise they might provide limited services for someone at home who is unable to carry out the tasks of daily living without assistance (open wound or diabetes care, can't dress, feed or bathe themselves). If you do end up paying for help, hiring a part time, in-home helper is still the cheapest way to go. However, you will spend a lot of time looking for such a helper and overseeing their employment. I set up a debit account for my mom's occasional helpers so they have access to money (but not all the bank accounts!) for groceries, etc. Agencies may cost a little more and offer a little more convenience, and they probably weed out undesirables at the outset, but I have found that ultimately they are no more reliable than the individuals I have found on my own. Taking care of your elderly father isn't a one shot deal; you don't hire someone to help and then be done with it. His needs will increase, caregivers come and go, etc. It becomes a part of your daily tasks to attend to. Good luck to you! Here are some local resources that might help you get started:
http://www.eldercareresourcesbayarea.com
http://www.eastbaysmartsenior.com/?cat=62
http://www.aplaceformom.com/senior-living
http://www.aplaceformom.com/senior-care-resources/articles/elder-care-costs
http://theelderhub.com
http://www.elderstogether.com/find-ideal-assisted-living.html
http://www.seniorseasons.com
I work for the City of Berkeley's MoW program and have delivered to Redwood Gardens on Derby off Sports Lane, very near UC campus. Check it out, it might be affordable for you. Lovely area.
Take him in Now. Put him to work around the house. Make him help the kids with the homework. Sell the boat and the old car and make him contribute the SS $ towards the mortgage/rent and the bills. Otherwise you will feel guilty as heck when he loses the boat and car and ends up on your doorstep in even worse shape. My2Cents
Look on Alameda County website for senior affordable housing. U will find a list of HUD subsidized senior housing. Look for open wait lists get applications and apply right away. You will have to wait perhaps a year or more.
Hi there,
I'm sorry for your family that you need to navigate such a tricky, frustrating, and often deeply sad circumstance
I would suggest getting in touch with the UCSF Memory and Aging Care Center (http://memory.ucsf.edu/patientcare/mac), where they could do a comprehensive assessment of your father in law. Oftentimes, diagnoses are limited at best when done by primary care physicians. With limited information, it can be trickier to treat the situation/person and find suitable caregiving based on the older adult's needs. UCSF is also likely to provide many resources to help your family come to terms with such a change and provide referrals for things like boarding care.
Good luck!
Genoa