Religious conflict in our home
Our home is in conflict right now. We have been together through thick and thin for fifteen years, but the current conflict over religion in our home, is dividing us more than the issue ever has.
My husband is very religious and I am not. I converted prior to the birth of our first child, but lost interest a few years ago. He travels to the country where he converted every couple years and since returning from his recent trip, I have been repelled by his fervor and exuberance. He is committed to making this life the best possible for our family and his chosen family whom he traveled to see. These adopted sayings, traditions, and way of life is being superimposed upon me and my instinct is only to fight back. Things don't feel right. I don't feel autonomous in my home. I am lost.
He is extremely well-intentioned and is beloved by nearly everyone who meet him. But as his partner, I am just waiting for this bout of mania to swing back to where things were. I fear that it won't, though. I don't want to lose him. As the religious underdog in the family, though, I have no platform to stand on and defend myself. I can't believe we are in this situation.
I am looking for advice on how to approach this in a loving way, with our children in mind, with saving our relationship as the goal, and maintaining my confidence.
Parent Replies
I really would engage the help of a patient family therapist. You need an arbitrator and someone to help make space for your feelings, too. If he is wrapped up in this, it may be too difficult to try effectively without professional and experienced help. Best of luck...
That sounds very challenging, as you both want the best for your family yet have different beliefs and strategies to get there. Have you tried mediation? SEEDS Community Resolution Center in Berkeley offers sliding scale mediation services.
I'm sorry for your situation. I'm also super confused. What do you mean by his "chosen family whom he traveled to see?" I'm not clear what traveling, being converted in a specific place, etc means and I'm confused by that info. Generally speaking, if people find him loving, if you find him loving and a good parent to your children why are you 'repelled' (that's a really strong word) by his feelings? This seems to convey a deeper problem with (both) your communication. Can you talk to him about how you feel? Can you tell him you are not comfortable with his level of expression? What are the traditions and ways of life being imposed on you if you agreed to and converted to whatever this religion is? My partner and I practice 2 totally distinct religions (Christianity and Islam) but we find commonality in places, and dwell/build on that - if one of us were to become so fervent that it is affecting the other, as seems to be your case, I would hope that we would be able to talk to one another about how we feel, what makes us comfortable and not, etc and try to work it out between us. Whatever happens I hope you both can find a happy middle ground and keep raising your children in a loving and peaceful environment, which any and all religions would pretty much say is the goal, promoting peaceful coexistence. I'm wishing the best for you!
What relationship? He's traveling to a country where's he's "converted every couple years" and returns in states of fervor? You don't feel autonomous in your own home?
You are not lost! He's only concerned about himself! Get out, before he determines you a heretic and runs off with your kids!