Recommendations for classes / therapists for helping teens make better choices?
Our almost fourteen year old son has been demonstrating a lot of poor judgement and decision making lately. Yes, I know it's part of being a teen, but as a parent I can't help but worry about those patterns continuing when the repercussions are more significant.
Does anyone have any recommendations of local workshops, classes, or therapists / coaches that have been helpful in giving your teen some more tools to make empowered, safe, "smart" decisions?
Aug 29, 2018
Parent Replies
I highly recommend Kaiser's Parenting Strong Willed Kids class. I've heard you don't have to be a Kaiser member to take it, or getting your hands on the class book can be a huge help. (It's called "Changing Destructive Adolescent Behavior: Empowering Parents, Transforming Teens - Parent Guide.") What you describe can be their wanting to have some control over their life and trying to control them can push them further in the wrong direction. One excerpt from the class manual: "Generally speaking, strong-willed adolescents learn about life by trying it themselves. They do not accept parental input nor are they willing to use the mistakes of others as learning experiences for themselves. The frequently heard adolescent phrase, "it's ok; that won't happen to me," is especially true for this child. This is why just talking to the strong-willed child about unwanted behavior is generally ineffective... Strong-willed children often engage in such behaviors quite impulsively."
Our son is overall a good, smart kid but he became extremely difficult and combative his freshman year and made some bad choices. It was a relief to hear from his guidance counselor that what he was doing was quite common but we were concerned things could get worse. I do think much of the attitude is normal hormones and teens needing to separate, but I also think temperament is a huge factor. We were given the Kaiser class book by a friend who took the class and just following the first couple of chapters has greatly changed the dynamic in our house.
Two main premises from the book are 1) love and affection are the keys to effective parent/child communication and discipline. It's hard when your kid does stuff that angers you or seems like he hates you, but telling them daily that they are loved is vital. So are sign of affections, be it a pat on the back, a hug, a kiss. My son slipped an 'I love you' back to me for the first time in probably 6 or 8 months the other day and after just about as long has allowed me to hug him once in a while (he doesn't hug back but he stands there. Progress!). They might not show affection or acknowledge yours but they need to know they are loved. The 2nd premise is that you can't control your kids but you can have influence. If you try to control, they might rebel just to show you that they can't be controlled. You can influence them by giving the positive strokes/consequences for desired behavior and negative consequences for unwanted behavior.
Good luck and hang in there.