Rape on College Campus Concern

There are no completely safe havens, and any college student needs to be prepared to look out for himself/herself AND for his/her friends in dangerous or dicey situations.  That said, I would not write a school because of a couple of news reports of crime or some lurid publicity.  Dartmouth has had its share, and my daughter's experience was NOTHING like that stupid Rolling Stone article or the tell-all book of questionable veracity.  Would you take Harvard off the table because the men's soccer team made crude comments about the female soccer players? 

I high recommend the College Confidential website as a place to get current and accurate feed back from parents and students about the actual situatiuon at any colleges your daughter might be interested in that give you pause.  Here is a specific thread about campus crime at the college life "forum" [the College Confidential or CC term for its structure]:  http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1926725-campus-safety-crime.html  Here's the link to the home base of the College Life forum itself [the site can be difficult to navigate:  http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/ The Cafe might also have some relevant threads:  http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-confidential-cafe/ and here's the table of contents for the of specific colleges:  http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/alphabetic-list-colleges/

I'm guessing from your post that your daughter is around 15 or 16? She may just not be ready yet to think about leaving home, and you not yet ready to let her go. Thus, every bad thing that could happen when she will be away from home is setting off alarms. Calm down, look at colleges based on their logistical points (majors, geography, costs, etc), and wait until both of you are ready before considering student life, because student life (good and bad) will be basically the same everywhere. (Then *real life* comes next, and neither of you can hide from that)

As the mom of a daughter who is a sophomore in college, I understand your worry. Sexual assault, as well as alcohol and drug use, are serious problems. However, I have not heard of ANY college that is exempt from either. When we were looking at colleges a couple of years ago, I mentally sorted them into two categories: colleges that talk about sexual assault and seriously try to stop it, and colleges that cover it up. There are plenty of examples of the latter.  But Pitzer is putting an article in the school paper, probably with resources and tips, so they're in the first category. In my mind, a school that is open and proactive makes it safer for women. I wouldn't have crossed it off my daughter's list, but I would have used it as the spark for yet another "how do you stay safe" conversation.  

dear Cathy,

I can only imagine how hard it is to contemplate all this, in addition to a child leaving the nest, and I can only speak from my own experience, which was at Cal in the 1980s. From that, I can tell you that rape, alcohol and drugs have been an unfortunate part of campus culture since at least then. One difference is that now rape is starting to be discussed and reported much more - it sure happened 30 years ago, only women didn't come forward. Confusion, fear and shame made an invisible, durable cage.

Rape can happen anywhere, even in "safe" places, and awareness of that potential is an advantage in preventing it. Also, many many people, including young men, are respectful, ethical and good. Most potentially risky situations I got myself into turned out just fine. I learned a lot.

No matter where your daughter goes, she should be armed with prevention and self-defense techniques - that's a plus for anyone. Please do not let the fear of it narrow her horizons - that's an invisible cage that will limit her options and is hard to dismantle. Let her go where she is excited to go, and give her tools to help her stay safe during college and after.

:-)

College life is a time for your child to experience independence and is an important time in their personal growth. You want to make sure your child is not naive, has good assertiveness skills and chooses their friends wisely. This starts with the values you have imparted in them from a very young age. Make sure you keep the lines of communication open and arm your daughter with self defense skills - not just physical abilities but most importantly the verbal skills needed to be clear about setting boundries and communicating these effectively. I am the mom of two boys college age and have spent many hours of conversation on their role in being respectful partners and feeling confident in their ability to defend and keep their friends safe. I am a martial artist who has taught all ages of kids and adults over my many decades of professional life, so this is a concern that is close to my heart. You can check out our self defense seminars and ongoing classes at www.emeryvillemartialarts.com if you are interested.

I have to respond to another commenter, a college professor who said flat-out that rape on campus is overblown and sensationalized. This is such a load of crap. I have other things to say but they will never make it through the admins so I'll leave out my particular thoughts about this professor and his personal habits. 

Rape on campus has certainly been a problem since I was in school (graduated in 1989). There is a reason we started the Take Back the Night movement. Every year, we would gather and women (and men) would line up to tell their stories. There was no glory in this. As good as it felt to unburden ourselves, it also left us feeling brutally vulnerable and for me kicked off certain realizations and a lot of anxiety that required years of therapy. I went to an amazing feminist school in the heart of New York City and women were raped every year: by frat guys, by ersatz-feminist hippie boys, by a security guard employed by the university. And like all universities -- ALL OF THEM -- the university hushed up the problems and refused to report anything to the local cops for fear of bad publicity. 

It's so destructively naive to assume that because there have been false reports, that false reports are the majority or the norm. 

Now, back to your question, now that I've thoroughly terrified you: College is like any other phase of life. You can't protect your daughter by choosing what seems to be a safe school. You just can't. All you can do is educate her about how to party safely, how to travel in a pack of other women, how to defend herself, and how to sniff out bad actors. For some of us this information was hard-won. Let me tell you, this current generation doesn't party like we did -- I think our generation of parents, or at least the sort who live in and around Berkeley, have remained connected with our kids in such a way that they just don't feel the need to go off the chain like we did (okay, like I did). Kids today seem much more sensible than I ever was. 

If your daughter is excited by a certain college, don't let this dissuade you. To me it's GOOD news that the rape was actually reported. I'd be more suspicious of a school that claimed it was rape-free. And any school is going to have its partiers, its euro-trash, its stoners. Every school. Your daughter can navigate around them. In fact, it'll be a good skill to learn. The main thing is, does the school give her what she needs academically, will it challenge her, will it feed her mind and soul so she's too busy for that nonsense. 

Best of luck. I know i sound harsh, but ... I think you can handle it. 

I highly recommend the Impact Bay Area young adult class. They usually offer it a couple of times each summer. http://www.impactbayarea.org/

Full-force self defense class, which makes it completely different from other self-defense classes. You actually practice against an "attacker" (instructor) who is wearing a padded suit and protective head gear so they won't get hurt but the students experience what it is like to really fight back. And they learn verbal techniques as well.

I semi-forced my daughter to go, the summer before first year of college (she had gone willingly to their class for younger teens a couple years before but didn't think she needed to go again), and she was really glad she did it! So far (four years in) she has only had to use the verbal techniques, but it gives her a lot more confidence (and gives me a lot more peace of mind!).