Potty training with two young ones
Hi, we had two under two, and now our boys are 3 years and 17 months. We just started trying to potty train our strong-willed 3-yr old. I've been to our advice forums about various issues (holding in poop, pull-ups vs. underwear, etc.), but I also want to know if/how any parents have dealt with trying to potty train an older sibling who adamantly wants to be treated like his baby sibling all the time - this translates into wanting to revert back to diapers, wanting someone to pull up his pants, etc. (Even though my 17-mo old is really a toddler now, he is the de facto baby, and my older one knows it, simply because we are always helping the little one out more.) I've thought - what if I start 'training' my 17-mo old, at least getting him to sit on the potty. Maybe his older brother will be more motivated that the little one is doing it too? I hate to manipulate it into a competition thing and wouldn't explicitly call it out that way (maybe just sit my little one on the potty and hope that my older one wants to do it more too). I also try to tell my older one that 'babies can't eat treats and chocolate like you do when you make a pee-pee'. This seems to work some of the time, but the bottom line is that he keeps telling us he wants to still be a baby.
If anyone else has any other potty advice, here's where we're at right now: Using pull-ups, peeing in the potty but not pooping. Discouraged with underwear because he had accidents before, even though he loves his Thomas Train underwear. We didn't scold him for accidents, but I think even telling him that he should try to use the potty when he feels like going was maybe too much pressure? Also, gets annoyed that we put him on the potty every half hour when he's in real underwear. OK with pooping in pull-ups. (The times he wore underwear, he didn't poop at all; hence, pull-ups was the compromise.) He simply finds a lot of this training/learning to be tedious and prefers to go anytime/where in the diaper/pull-up and have someone clean up for him - which is logical, too! TIA for your thoughts...
Parent Replies
Three year olds are stubborn. Just remember that no matter what you do, basically all kids going into kindergarten are potty trained, so time and peers will (eventually) help here. You could try going “cold turkey” to underwear, reduce the potty break frequency to every 2 hrs, and accept messes for a couple weeks. Few 3 year olds are going to be happy about having to stop what they’re doing to change, rinse their clothes, wash off, put on new clothes every time they pee when the alternative is to just pee in the toilet every 2 hrs. That said, I’ve met several 3 year olds who really don’t care.
Onto the younger one. Our friend with 5 kids once trained her 3 yr old and 18 mo old (both boys) at the same time and said it worked well. So if the 17 month old is interested in potty training, I would definitely try it - everyone is stuck at home for a while anyway, right? We started our younger kid around that age, and that child was fully daytime potty trained at 19-20 months (even at daycare). To be fair, that kid was interested in the toilet because everyone else was using it including the older sibling. We found it much easier to potty train at that age vs when they get older and more stubborn. More accidents early on, but way more cooperation and no need for treats or star charts or anything.
Hi, my kid peed in her pants until age 5.5 and wore pull-ups to bed until 7.5. Just for perspective.
There are so many opinions and strategies. I hope you find some sanity in these crazy times, even without toileting issues!
My kid developmentally advanced and regressed throughout her childhood. This was more so than for other kids due to some early trauma issues so I simply had to roll with this dynamic. When she was more regressed, wanting/needing to be a baby, for example, I took it as a sign that there was some developmental need unmet. While accommodating her need/desire to be a certain age, I also reduced privileges and perks of being older to match. No screens under 2 years, for example. No sugar or juice under age 3. Earlier bedtime, more naps...
So if your kid “wants” to be a baby, what would your kid getting out of that? More hugs? The intimacy of changing diapers? Being carried? The need to suck? Attention? If you meet the need and make “privileges” age-appropriate, you might find your kid “growing up” quick. It worked for my family. Many parents found my parenting “weak” and were worried about manipulation. My teen girl now is strong and independent and can advocate for her needs. Not “needy”, she just understands herself.
And I still match privileges with her behavior, not chronological age: bedtime, screen time, allowance, chores, independent time with friends away from the house. It’s still working, she’s maturing beautifully, (although I’ve been getting furious at her once a day or so the last few weeks at home).
Good luck! It’s tough to have two under four!!!!
He will start using the toilet when he’s ready. IME, no need to try to get them using it before they’re ready. What’s the harm here?
You might also try a potty training watch, so that it's the watch "telling" him to go rather than you. We've liked this one: https://www.amazon.com/Kidnovations-Premium-Potty-Training-Watch/dp/B07QMKPVDX/ref=cts_ba_1_vtp
Good luck!
We started potty training our 2.5 year old last week because why not? He is also very strong willed and was showing very little natural inclination towards using the potty. Most of his friends at daycare are potty trained and I hoped that would be a trigger but hasn't been. We went straight to underwear and there were about 3 days where he was fighting it hard and there were a lot of accidents. Now he's much more aware of when he needs to go and is slowly getting it. Pullups just weren't working for us because they're essentially diapers and there weren't any "consequences" of not using the potty like there is with underwear. I also had some colored bath bombs (that we don't use because they stain the tub and who wants to clean the tub more often?) that I broke into pieces and put in his little potty. I told him it would color his pee if he peed on them and that has been a bit of in incentive when we need a push. My friend recommended using cheerios in the toilet for target practice but we're just working on sitting on the potty right now.
I only have one, so I don't really know what I'm talking about but my thoughts are, while 17 months is a bit young, it is not outside of possible. If you're training one, why not try the other? I think we would if we were in that place. If you're not putting pressure on the 17 month old, there probably isn't any harm in trying! (Our's was actually MORE interested at 17 months than he is now.) Good luck!
Having a younger sibling is hard for the older ones. At some level, if he wants to be babied a little, I would just do it. Re the potty training: how about using a ‘big brother’ tack: ‘you can show your younger sibling how it’s done’?
I potty trained by older one when she was almost three, and my second one, believe it or not, I kind of forgot about it (I just had my third and last baby) until two weeks before he was scheduled to start preschool. I’d gone to the preschool with him to fill out some papers, and the secretary looks at him, with this big wad of cotton diapers on, and says ‘ You know he has to be potty trained, right?’ Me, like, ‘oh yes, of course.’ We came home, cold turkey, no more diapers. He had a few accidents, then was fine. I believe that starting later is just much easier on them. What is the rush? Yes, some more poopie diapers, but, in the big picture....Anyway, my two cents.
Give him empathy about having a sibling that gets that attention. Back off the potty training and pressure for a few months. Let him take the lead now that he knows what to do. When younger is two maybe try them together with it.
OP here - thanks for all of your thoughts! I appreciate all the different perspectives. There's no 'rush' at the moment, but some preschools require they are potty-trained upon entering. I don't necessarily like that idea, but also, we've had to apply to places that are both must-be-potty-trained and work with you in tandem for the potty training because we don't know who has availability. Of course with COVID-19 right now, all of it is even more up in the air.