Pot smoking at BHS

Your letter scares me so much, because I see my social and high achieving 11 year old in the same place in a few years. All your fears are justified, and shame on your ex and BHS for not taking this way more seriously and sending a message of disapproval. I also think you're right not to slam down on him but to keep lines of communication open. I have a few suggestions - first off, buy The Teenage Brain, read it and share with your son. It's written by a physician who demonstrates in pretty clear ways, with lots of data to back her points, that kids brains are "optimized for learning" especially teens to early 20s. That's a cool reality that gives them an edge for all kinds of learning for 10 years or so, but it also means they're "optimized for learning addiction" and all habits and addictions learned in these years are way harder to kick for life, than those learned in adulthood. It's a scary but great book, and written to be shared with teens. I'd also point out to your ex and son that it is still very illegal for kids to smoke, just as it is for them to drink and there are real risks around this too. Then I think you need to take a much tougher stance with your ex and DEMAND mediation and get your son to a therapist right now. Even if that means you go into debt and do it on your own dime. Explain to your son that this is so important to you, that you are willing to risk more poverty and struggle, to get him to rethink his actions, his friends, and learn how to better resist peer pressure. To that end, I know that there are other groups, such as church groups and probably the Unitarian Universalist Church of Berkeley that have youth groups helping to teach kids how to push back against peer pressure. I'd call, start attending, and do everything in your power to get your son to at least give it a try,

Not all high schools are this bad .... removing him from this campus feels like an option I'd consider. In fact, based on your letter and other similar ones I've seen, BHS is off my list even though we cannot truly afford private school. Good luck and don't give up.

Like you,I would unhappy about this,but my daughter told me something recently that might make you feel better.Two of her very good friends smoked pot a lot all through high school and college.They both went on to be successful doctors.I am not saying that is not a problem,but thought that might make you feel better.

I hear you.... I have a kid at BHS too and what she's told me the same about the prevalence of pot smoking at school. She hasn't felt the social pressure to do it (yet), but she's not super social and is very into academics and her sport. But she's mentioned things like teachers flat-out asking kids in class if they are high, joking about it with students, kids being high in class frequently. I am 100% supportive of marijuana being legal and I think it is completely acceptable as a recreational drug, just like alcohol. But not for developing brains, and certainly not on a regular basis. My daughter and I have had some good talks about the science of why it is a bad idea to use drugs and alcohol when your brain is still developing, which seemed to really resonate with her very scientific view of the world ;) I hope that sticks. I'll be interested to hear other responses to your question......

This is a concern country-wide, if not internationally. My wife and I raised 2 boys in Sonoma Valley, they both smoke or vape, and an aquaintance LOST her son to opioids. With pot as a medicine, and about to be legalized for adult recreation, it's a pervasive problem...like alcoholism. My son who's about to graduate college and is already working appears to have self-control. The younger one, 20, is struggling with JC classes, and PT jobs, and living with us. I see the pot use as a symptom, not the cause, of a dependency on parents/home/old friends/escapist habits. How to gently cut the purse-strings? We are by turns optimistic and terrified.

Maybe the lacrosse coaches should bring Ralph Cantor to speak if this is part of that culture - just a thought.Having had to cope (ie take care of) growing up with family members who had substance abuse problems I have zero tolerance for:  endorsing pot smoking or even signing off on it. Obviously you cannot control what your teen does however I personally have talked to my kids since they were in the 6th grade (attended Ralph Cantor's talks on teens and drugs) about the pit falls of getting involved with a 'habit' 'activity' whatever you want to call it of using drugs. So I don't say NO I say its a BAD PLAN and I don't delude myself that they won't try it but I get to say what I think about it which is it is not necessary (with humor I say it is like buying that second pair of shoes - it isn't necessary there are so many other things to do in life) particularly given all the research that shows pot yes can be addicting it can make you depressed it can mess with the developing brain ... contribute to schizophrenia in some cases and all the other side effects that can arrive. At the very least I hope my children will  respect that drugs can make a mess in your life that can be pretty heart breaking not only to your self but to your loved ones if your so called number is up and you have the genetic predisposition to addiction (Kaiser is bringing adolescent drug screening in to the medical arena as the evidence is so compelling that this activity is not a good thing). I don't buy the turning away/not paying attention pretending it isn't happening or cannot stop my kid - they do listen at some level to what parents have to say. I give little 'tune ups with the aforementioned talking points in a calm matter of fact tone occasionally if I have learned that experimentation is going on. I believe if that is heard enough by the kids in our community there might be a culture shift such as occurred with cigarette smoke. Another line of reasoning if you need to experiment at least wait until you are in your twenties when your brain is not as vulnerable to being messed with long term by substance use. When I listen to my contemporaries stories of their adolescence drug habits and correlate those with some of the struggles they have in later life I seem to hear that missing out on what your job during adolescence is - to discover yourself your joys your path your coping skills- by numbing out with drugs it doesn't typically add to the quality of life led. I understand that is an important part of youth to learn how to be part of a community  to fit it but at the price of a potentially hazardous habit maybe there is a compromise or bottom line so it is hard call but personally I would continue the discussion that smoking pot has pitfalls even more particularly if it is done everyday... Good Luck it is complicated.

Our family experienced similar and worse circumstances with our son, and we decided to switch him to another school after sophomore year, to where there is a smaller student body, more structure, and closer attention to each student. I strongly recommend the Outward Bound Voyager program, which our son went the summer after freshman year. It was life changing. Making choices, understanding the results of one’s choices, owning one’s life and taking ownership, are just part of what they cover. It’s more like “inward bound.” There is a pervasive drug culture that draws in teens when they are most vulnerable to peer pressure, and every kind of drug is available along Shattuck Ave., from Albany to Oakland. Talk to your son, be compassionate, and listen more than talk. He needs your help. Keep communication open. Pot is about 30-40% stronger now than it was in the 70s-80s. It’s extremely damaging to young people who are developing neurologically. Good luck.

I would say this has to do with the friends that your son has more than the school. My 3 kids have all gone through Berkeley High and none of them have smoked pot or felt pressure to. We talk about it a lot and my husband and I have really demonized pot smoking for many years starting in elementary school. I know my kids have friends that smoke but they do not and are able to just say they're not interested when it occurs when they're around or they just leave the situation. They do drink alcohol, but I feel slightly differently about that. I don't have any great advice for you unfortunately, but I wanted to let you know that it's not a thing that everyone does at BHS and it's not impossible to be social and not smoke. It just takes some measure of resolve. 

Great that your son is able to communicate with you about it, and it sounds like he wants to quit or at least smoke less. I can tell you, as a mom of four BHS kids, none of my kids smoked, so I know they don't 'all' smoke, even though it may seem so.  I would keep communicating with him and look up some options and education and resources to help him resist the pressure of smoking.

Just adding another experience here: our daughter is also at BHS, senior, says lots of kids smoke and drink, and many of her friends do at parties. But in her social circle, they never do either during school. She has never been that interested in either weed or alcohol, although has tried both socially. Which is all to say that BHS is a varied place and kids' relationship with drugs of any kind varies a lot there. If your kid is vulnerable, it's a huge place and the structure might not be appropriate, but the idea that all kids at BHS necessarily end up smoking lots of weed does not match our experience. Being careful is important, but some responses seem unduly alarmist to me given our experience. Know your own kid and the right context for them, but I don't think people should be frightened to send their kids to BHS overall.

Thank you for your post.  My daughter is experiencing the same pressure at BHS, and it's heart breaking.  She is a straight A student and a serious athelete, and so are her friends, and still, the pressure to smoke is pervasive.  As she becomes more interested in dating, she's also expressed how hard it is to find a boy who doesn't smoke weed.  So far, she's managing ok, but I really wish that the culture at BHS wasn't so permissive, in many ways.

I think it is a matter of your son's friends rather than the school in general. My student (now in college) didn't smoke pot at BHS, and neither did most of their friends. Different activities, though, so perhaps your son's team needs intervention. This may well be a case of telling parents "everyone is doing it," and/or choosing friends who also like to smoke pot. Changing schools may not solve the problem.