Older kid bothering my toddler in playground

Wow that's a tough situation. I'm (also) feeling compassion for the 2 kids being left unsupervised. If it were me, I would first ask the girl to take her brother home to tell her parent what's happening, that he's endangering other children. Maybe ask her to ask if her parent will come out to talk with you. 2nd, depending on the girl's response, and the building (house or apartments), I might consider knocking on the door and talking to the parent. But I wouldn't want to put myself and especially my child/ren in an unsafe or insecure situation. You really have no idea who's behind that door. Sounds like he's acting out and needs his mom or dad.

Wow, what a tough situation. I think you've done everything right so far. Two things I would try before calling the police. First, the next time the child bothers your toddler, take him by the arm (gently, but so he can't run away), get down to his level, get your face close to his, and say very firmly, "Stop hurting my son right now. This is not allowed. If you don't stop I will find your parents or call the police. Do you understand?" Next, if it continues, I would ask the sister to show you where her house is and try to talk directly with the parent(s). Assume the best, although obviously it is not good these parents are not supervising children this young in public, they may be truly unaware that it is a problem. As a last resort, yes I would call the police or child protective services, although know that it might not change anything except to anger the parents who live nearby the park you frequent. Hope you have a good outcome. 

I fully understand your determination to keep your child safe.  But I'd respectfully suggest that going straight from "That 5-year-old is bothering my younger child" to calling the police is a pretty huge jump.  There are often all kinds of unintended consequences once the authorities are involved, and it just seems like a nuclear response.  How about asking the older girl to take you to her house so you can talk to her mom?  Or (as matter-of-factly as possible) insisting the 5-year-old sit on a bench with you until he can leave the littles alone?  This boy sounds like he really needs help with his behavior.  Surely there's a way to try to help him get it that doesn't involve the police, and keeps your child safe.

Did you consider calling the police out of concern for those two other kids or out of revenge against a 5 year old?  Are we now calling the police on children?!

I am glad you didn’t. Do you realize all the problems you could have caused that family over something like this?  The police should only be involved for really dangerous adult issues that cannot be resolved among themselves.  Using the police to tattle tell is not mature or responsible.  

Im sorry if my email seems harsh; we have seen for a while now all the horrible things that can happen to nice people when the police gets involved. A better solution would be to go to their place and talk to the parents (but only if you are concerned about those kids). Otherwise, just watch your baby, as you were doing, and help him deal with issues like that one. The world is not always perfect. 

I would not call the police unless I felt the children themselves were in actual danger.  Assuming the mother is in fact home in the nearby house, and the older sister is there, I would not feel like they were in danger as of yet.  In these situations I would try to respond the way I hope others will to my child.  I really believe in the "it takes a village" approach, and when my 4 year old is being overly rambunctious and I don't catch it, I sincerely appreciate the adults who step in and say,  "That's not safe" or "That's not how we treat other people."  It's important to come at it from a place of kindness and teaching, just as you would with your own child, instead of a place of protecting your kid from the "bad" kid (although I know that's hard!).

I would attempt to correct the child's behavior more firmly myself, and if that didn't work I would ask the older sister to take me to their house and I would ring the doorbell and say something like, "Hi, we are often at the playground with your children, and although your daughter is lovely and is trying to look out for her little brother, he has been having a really hard time being kind and safe towards the little kids.  I know that you wouldn't want him to hurt any of the babies, so we came to let you know." I would do all of this with a bright smile and the conviction that I would want to know if my own child were behaving like that.

If that conversation didn't address the problem or if I suspected actual neglect after meeting the mother, then it might be time to think about involving the authorities.

Do not call the police.  Think through that course of action, and honestly ask yourself:  do you think the child should be arrested?  Do you think the parent(s) should be arrested?  Do you think the parent(s) should be reported to child services?  When you yourself say you are all for independent kids and it is none of your business how they are supervised?  Instead of calling the police, you do exactly what you did do, which is supervise your own children and protect them as needed.  That is your job as the parent at the playground with your two-year old.  It means you can't just chill out on the bench, sure, but, c'est la vie.  Lots of parents don't get to just chill out on the bench; it's not some right you have.  If you really need a bench-chilling situation (been there!), sounds like you need to find a different park or go at a different time. I'm really baffled that calling the police is even being considered as a possibility, so I wonder if you've left out some details or if there is something else going on here.  The most I would do -- if there really was some truly dangerous situation and me doing my job as the parent of a two-year old at the playground was not enough -- is ask the older girl to show me which house is theirs, then walk over there, ring the doorbell, and let the other parent know about the problem.  If you were the other parent, wouldn't you want to know?  

Sorry you and your family had to go through this! I have a 2 year old myself so I totally relate to what you are talking about. I see two different issues here. In dealing with how to stop older kids from being aggressive with your 2 year old, I think you and your son were handling it well. When it comes to kids conflicts I try to let them work it out themselves when they are similar in age, but if any older kid picks on my son, I usually put myself in between them and say " I won't let you do that" and add whatever it is they are trying to do. I do the same to my son if he tries to take something for someone younger as well. And if it continues I try and figure out who the parent/guardian is and talk to them about what is going on. The other issue is unsupervised children, and in my opinion there is no way that an 8 or 9 year old is capable of responsibly watching a 5 year old without adult supervision. An adult needs to either be able to see them or be within earshot of them, in case they need help. I might have asked the older girl to go get their mother and bring her back, so I could talk to her about what happened. This would let me see if an adult really was close by and available, and who knows maybe there is some good explanation. I hate to judge other moms without knowing the full story. If I did get to talk to her I would give her a heads up that I'm sure she has the best intentions but leaving them alone is putting them and others in harms way and  if they are unattended the next time I came I would call the police. I probably wouldn't have called the first time since you haven't observed a pattern, you would only be taking another person's word on that pattern (separate issue - if they've noticed this happening a lot why haven't they called the police??) but if you see it again I certainly feel you are justified in reporting it. All in all you handled it well, hope my thoughts help if you encounter it again.

What a bummer.  It's always hard when an older kid messes with a younger one.  However, the kid is only 5, and I think calling the police on a 5-year old for what sounds like pretty typical playground behavior would be an extreme over-reaction.  Since the older sister is with the 5-year old, and you know their house borders the park and the mother is apparently home, I would ask the girl to either take you to meet the mother, or at least identify which house it is so you can go yourself.  Then go talk to the mom about the situation.  If you can't make any headway with her and this keeps happening, you could try calling Child Protective Services, since the 8-year old seems too young to be in charge of the younger brother.  We did that when a nearby family kept dumping their 5-year old unattended at the park across from our house and he kept asking strangers to take him home with them.  :(  Different situation, but CPS would be preferable to police.  Good luck.

It seems inappropriate for an 8 year old to have the responsibility to supervise ("without much success") a younger sibling without parental oversight. 

Child Protective Services seems to be the resource to call, especially as other parents have said they are "there all the time." As you point out, this is an injury/accident waiting to happen. As a retired pre-school teacher, I see this as the younger child needing boundaries and peer interaction, rather than unsupervised random encounters, which have a high potential for endangerment, himself and others. Call and express your concerns and experience, and thanks for seeing and expressing this as not okay.

That sounds very upsetting for you!! My advice would be to keep doing what you are doing. Supervise your children and make sure they are safe. I would treat these kids the same as if the parent was there: Tell them to leave your children alone and help enforce that if they don't listen by getting in between your kid and them. If it just isn't working, call it quits and go home. Beyond the near term safety of your children, I hope you can have some empathy for this other family. These kids don't choose how they are parented and they are still very young. Calling the police on a five year old for pushing and taking a toy seems very, very extreme. Elementary aged kids alone at the park is not common today but was very common when I was growing up. Do you really want to get CPS involved and potentially break up this family without more evidence than that?  

Hard situation, indeed. I understand your concern for your child's safety, but it seems very clear that these kids need help. When a 5-year-old displays this kind of behavior, he needs help. And, it is not the job of a 9-year-old to manage the challenging behavior of a younger sibling. Grown-ups should not be asking that of her (neither her parents, or any one else's parents). 

I would be curious if others who have more experience with CPS have anything to say on that matter -- I think it can go either way.  If you get a great person, they could actually support the family. Or, it could be terrible.

Appreciate many of the comments thus far.

I agree with the person who said the child and family services would be the best call, however, since you don't know the children/family names or the residence address, CPS would have no way to follow up. In this case, a police call acts as a proxy for getting child and family services involved since they could be dispatched immediately to locate the children and the parents who are supposed to be watching them. Obviously you aren't calling the police on a 5 year-old, but to the situation where two small children are chronically neglected (and therefore also endangered).

Are you kidding me. No, do not call the police and do not call CPS. You are an adult and can protect your 2 year old from a 5 year old. If you want to wait for the parent and talk to the parent, fine but this is a situation that you can handle on your own. CPS is a nightmare agency and the police are not there to help your toddler not get his toy snatched by another child. You are perfectly capable of stepping in, possibly repeatedly, and saying: do not take the toy. Help this child find something else. The playground is for everyone.

you're going to get a lot of responses on this one.  That is a tough situation, and to be totally honest, I'm not sure how I would respond.  But I want to encourage you to see these two kids as part of your 'village.'  Clearly, their parent is not able to, or choosing not to, spend time with her kids and it sounds like the little one's behavior is attention-seeking.  If you have the capacity, give him positive attention.  Play with him, encourage your kids to share their toys with him, etc.  If his behavior is out of line, talk with him about it, which it sounds like you did.  If you feel that you need to speak with a parent, it sounds like the girl showed you where they live--go to the house and talk to the parent.  

Also, while the kid's behavior is certainly annoying, it doesn't sound that different from what my son used to do.  He's very extroverted, sensory seeking, and basically wants to play with everyone but doesn't have great social skills.  He will often run up to a kid and grab something out of their hands just to see if they will pay attention to him and play with him.  He's not a mean kid, he just needs to learn (as all kids need to learn), and I get that its putting your kids in danger, so I would try to be right there with your kid to keep him safe.

I don't think it is wrong to send kids to the park (alone) together.  This is something my parents did all the time.  the main difference was that the other parents/kids at the park all knew my family and who to talk to if I needed help or intervention on behaviors.  Today in age is not actually more dangerous for kids at the park alone, and I think we can get back to that 'village' feeling of helping each other's kids.  The parent may have many reasons for sending the kids alone.  There may be no other good options available due to cost.  There may be a baby sibling to care for.  It may be a parent who believes in children's inherent ability to be independent at the park, or someone from another country/area where this is normal.  Threatening a 9yo sister with calling the police is NOT APPROPRIATE.  Sharing snacks, toys, and gentle corrections is.  And if all else fails, talk to the parent.  And if all else still fails, find another park to play at.  

A five and eight year old are old enough to be in a park alone, assuming there is no major street to cross. It is fine for you to set limits for the five year-old since his parents aren't there. You might need to stay close to your toddler in that situation and/or go to a different park if it is really stressful for you. Calling the police makes no sense for children's behavior. And unless there are other indications of neglect or abuse, (i.e. the children saying they are hungry, more than a day's worth of dirty, out after dark) there is no reason to call CPS. You might want to try having a conversation with the 5-year-old and see if you can connect.

I want to explain to folks that CPS is not an agency you can dispatch in the moment. You also can't "call CPS on someone" without specific information about the child's name, or family's name, and address. CPS is not going to stake out the park. Also, please leave the older sibling out of it - obviously she is not old enough to be the babysitter so don't expect her to be. Just ask her and the 5 yo where they live, and march over there to ask the parent to come supervise their child because he's not able to play nicely with others. If you feel uncomfortable with that level of involvement, then that's your cue to avoid this park.

Someone should call the police if there's a clear risk of physical harm to a child, and as you've described it, this does not rise to that level.

The above is my advice as a county employee (CPS is a county agency) and a parent who has called CPS based on a comment made by a child in school that "my dad beat my brother so hard it left marks". Just as a fellow parent of young children, I would STRONGLY advise you to NEVER touch another child on the playground, or do anything that they could construe as a threat, because if they run back home and tell their parent you scared them, guess who looks very bad from a law enforcement standpoint?
 

Original poster here.  Thanks for all the comments, it is very helpful and helped me feel less guilty about the situation.  As an update: the police was called a few days after what I described happened (not by me).  The kid hit and pushed and injured another toddler on the playground and hit the toddler's mom with a toy in the head because she tried to separate him from the toddler.  She started bleeding and another parent called the police.  The police arrived before the boy's mom did, so I guess they did not live as close to the playground as the kids made it sound.  I got there after the fact when the police was there and taking everyone's statements and felt really bad for not speaking up earlier.  Though it seems most of the responders here would not have called police either, so at least I know I acted reasonably by just getting my kid away from the situation and not calling authorities. And to clarify for the posters saying that even thinking about calling the police was ludicrous:  this is not a situation of a kid alone on a playground being active and taking away a toy (I can mange that), or even a situation of a 5 yo being unsupervised (as you said, none of my business), but this was a situation of a kid with some possible issues (cause I've seen active kids and this was not normal active but mean active) that is regularly aggressive toward little kids being unsupervised on a playground.  I'm sad for the kid and the family and for the little toddler who actually got hurt, but I'm actually happy the police is involved now, cause I was really worried that the next time another toddler might not have a mom who reacts fast enough or understands the danger quickly enough and the toddler could be injured a lot worse.  Not sure what happened, but in the last few days the kids have not been on the playground and hoping that when they are back the boy will be supervised going forward. 

To the original poster, thank you for the update. 

I read all the responses and I think it's really unfortunate so many people shamed you for considering calling the police. I was also glad so many people encouraged you to first try finding and speaking with the parents. But honestly, I don't think calling the police is so insanely unreasonable as a last resort. In my view, regularly sending a five year old to a park with zero adult supervision is neglect. I don't know if it meets the legal standard for neglect, but that's the point - someone with authority needs to figure that out, and if the parents can't be located, who else is a person supposed to call?