Night tantrums from pacifier withdrawal
My 3.5 year old daughter ditched her pacifier 3 weeks ago. She used two pacifiers frequently to self soothe (one in her mouth and one like a blanket) at home during the day and at night - like all night long. We ditched it on advice from pediatrician. We prepared by picking out a lovey to replace it. Circling a date on the calendar and reminding her for a week about the date. She came home from school that day and voluntarily cut up her pacifiers in exchange for the lovey. However we clearly didn’t do enough prep. She’s struggling. The lovey is not an effective substitute. She also doesn’t like sucking her thumb. The first couple of weeks were the hardest. She was hitting and screaming and having more tantrums. At night at bedtime she would ask for pacifiers. This has improved a bit. She doesn’t ask for pacifiers (except rarely at bedtime when overtired) and the hitting and tantrums are less frequent. However, what hasn’t improved are the night tantrums. Since ditching the pacis she wakes up once a night and screams (exorcist style) for 15 minutes to an hour. She’s inconsolable. She doesn’t usually mention that she wants a paci, but it’s clear that not having a pacifier to soothe her is what caused the wake-up and in the past the pacifier would calm her when she had night tantrums. It’s heartbreaking and exhausting. She doesn’t seem to remember the tantrums when she wakes up in the morning. Has anyone gone through a similar experience of these epic night tantrums after ditching the pacifier? (She’s probably had 16 in the last 21 days.) How have you handled them and what resources have you found helpful? What tools do you find helpful in teaching a 3 year old how to self soothe? I have reached out to the pediatrician but really appreciate the feedback from this community. Thanks in advance.
Parent Replies
Your first line says: “My 3.5 year old daughter ditched her pacifier 3 weeks ago.” But as you say it wasn’t her choice though she participated in it’s execution. My two daughters gave them up voluntarily on their 4th birthdays after discussing well before that they’d be big girls and it wasn’t healthy for their teeth. They had lots of time to get used to the idea and there was no big deal about disposing them or going back to them. This was success with children of very different temperaments, too. I was pleasantly surprised. I suggest giving the pacifier back now because you know she “needs it now but she won’t need it when she turns 4.” Tell her she can give it up by her 4th birthday because she’ll be such a big girl then (most kids at 4 don’t want to be seen as using a pacifier!) and that it’s not healthy for her teeth. She may give it up beforehand and have time to think about what kind of lovey she’ll want instead, if so.
We had some similar struggles.
-it does get better even though it feels neverending. The emotional, physical and mental angst and toll is exhausting.
-Stay the course. We learned the hard way by accidentally reintroducing the pacifier during our last and final weaning process. It was an intense set back On a side note we took a gradual weaning process where we started with on demand pacifier, then to using during sleeping (nap and bedtime) times, then to only bedtime and lastly to none
-We mimicked the pacifier by replacing it with a ball teether, silicon straw and sensory teething toys
-As with night terrors, I tried all kinds of naturally soothing and comforting tactics such as rubbing/patting back, essential oils, carrying while rocking back and forth, waking up my child, laying with my child, etc. I had many nights of sleeping in my child's room, due to night terrors, and waking up to a confused child wondering why I was sleeping in her room. Because my child truly had no recollection of any night terrors and didn't seem effected in the daytime I gradually stopped going into my child's room during a night terror because it would eventually resolve on its own.
- I gave alot of grace during this weaning period until I was so exhausted that I was unable to continue. I distanced myself by not taking my child's pacifer weaning distress as my problem to fix. Instead I changed my perspective to trusting that with time and space my child will discover what is self soothing.
Personally I would give her back the pacifier. I still regret taking the paci away from my then-2YO son. He didn't sleep well for years after that. He's still a bad sleeper. Is the concern about the teeth? All my kids ended up in braces, even the two kids that didn't use a paci past infanthood. So I don't really see the downside of letting her have the pacifier.
My almost 3 yo daughter was similarly attached to her binkies and had a SERIOUS case of pacifier teeth. Also we were getting tired of searching for her favorite light blue binky, which she’d leave in really random places, fishing binkies out of the potty (she was potty training), etc. We did lots of prep work - talking about it, reading books, and her WubbaNub (stuffed animal with a binky attached) “molted” his bink (I removed it and sewed a little smile instead). We gave her a choice: she could give her binkies to babies who needed them, or she could put them inside a lovey. She chose the latter. We took her to Build-A-Bear, she selected a bear, and she herself put a half dozen binks inside that bear. That was nearly 4 months ago. While we had a few tough nights, I honestly think it helped (and STILL helps) her to know that her binkies are there with her, especially in her bed. But she can’t lose them, and her teeth have gotten MUCH better. It worked really well for us, and I wish you the best of luck!
My son was also attached to his pacifiers at that age and we also got the talk from the pediatrician. As the pacifier collection started to get old and gross I did not replace them. As soon as my son started preschool, and was very active and around other kids all day, he stopped using them all on his own. He actually flushed them all down the toilet on his own when he was done, around age 4. (It clogged the toilet and we needed to call a plumber which was pretty hilarious looking back on it). In my opinion, it's too traumatic to make your daughter go cold turkey. They don't understand at that age why you are taking something away that consoles them so completely. I let my son have his binkies. He just graduated from UCSB with a double major in Biopsychology and History of Art and Architecture and his teeth are beautiful.
This sounds so stressful! I did not go through this particular problem but did get a lot of help and good advice when my son had sleep problems from a therapist who specializes in children's sleep issues. Rachel Biale was a goddess-send: https://www.rachelbiale.com/parenting-counseling
My son was super attached to his pacifier. We told him from about age three that when his first tooth fell out he would have to give it up. I think that happened around four or four and a half and he knew he had to give it up. We had a little ceremony for the pacifier and thanked it for being such a good friend then he threw it out. He cried and we empathized with his sadness but he was ok. I am not sure what to suggest now that you have already taken it away. Perhaps explain gently that it is better for her teeth. Definitely empathize and let her know that you hear her sadness and that you are there for her. Good luck.
I feel you. We have serious night terrors. They aren’t tied to a paci but intense. We have tried everything and the pediatrician and friends say he will outgrow. We talk about the dreams each morning. A reassurance from mom is what I am doing right now. Not helpful but wanted you to know others are with you and have a child that screams as if possessed in the night.