New to parenting, how do I find my life balance again?!

We have what I feel to be a pretty darn good life balance now, and our two kids are 4 and 6.  I'd say our balance has been pretty good for about two years now.  It's really tough when they're still that young, so the best thing I can say is that it gets a lot easier as time goes on.   

A couple ideas for now:

You didn't mention anything about tension in your relationship, but our first year as parents was really rough with lack of sleep and generally being overwhelmed.  One thing we did was kind of make a joke out of the fights we had.  We started calling Friday night fight night, and we both came at it with an understanding that we weren't really fighting over real issues, but rather just exhausted and drained by a long week of working and parenting.  Also, anything we said between 10 pm and 6 am didn't count.  I had a real struggle with lack of sleep and it turns out I'm a total jerk when I'm woken up in the middle of the night.  My husband can handle lack of sleep, but turns into a jerk when he's hungry.  If we were getting mad with each other we'd check in and see "Is it hunger?" "Is it lack of sleep?" That helped us maintain our relationship during those first 18 months or so.    

We would vary the way we did errands.  Sometimes one person would go alone with the understanding that that was a break and they would give the other person some time off from the kids when they returned.  Other times we would each take one kid, or sometimes even one of us would take both kids.  The nice thing about having two kids sometimes, is that when you just have to take one on an errand it suddenly seems easier!

Make sure that both parents can do all of the kid duties: bedtime, baths, dinners etc.  That gives you a lot more flexibility than some families where the kids really insist on one parent doing it all.

Ideas for the future:

We each get some alone time every day.  Our work schedules are slightly staggered, so he gets some alone time in the morning and I get some alone time in the evening.  We also get a larger chunk of alone time each weekend, I go to therapy, yoga, coffee etc. and he will run errands or go to the gym or hang around the house while I take the kids out.  Once a year we each take a solo weekend away.  

We keep careful track of time we get and time we give, and when we're being snappy it helps to sit down and hash out who has done what that week because it's only natural to notice what you've been doing and overlook what your partner has been doing.

We don't do outside date nights often, although now that our youngest is older we are interested in exploring some of the parents night out options that various local places do.  We do one weekend away together a year now, where my sister watches the kids.  It might be worth it to fly a willing family member out for that in the future if that's possible.  Otherwise, we mostly do our date nights after the kids are asleep.  We have one night a week we have to hang out with each other no matter what.  It may not be spontaneous or exciting, but it works!  

Finding balance is tough but totally doable, good luck!

I was in your shoes 12 years ago (2.5yo and new baby), and this is definitely one of those "it gets better" situations!  That first year with the second kid went by in pretty much a blur, but after that things start to even out.  I still clearly remember the first time I left both kids with my husband and went to the gym on a Saturday morning, because it was such a watershed moment. My advice, which may or may not be what you need: 1) Try to combine me-time things when possible - e.g., reading on the treadmill at the gym, or walking with a friend (this can be done with a stroller in tow if you're really multi-tasking). 2) Think long-term: the day-to-day with 2 under 3 is crazy, but it doesn't last very long - before you know it, that older one will be in preschool, and then they'll both be in elementary school...No matter how much you love your kids, these thoughts can keep you sane. 3) Live in the moment (I know, that sounds like the opposite of #2): Whether you're spending time with the kids or doing something for yourself, be present and try not to think about all the other things that need to be done. And delight in the small things - once I had 2 kids, even a solo trip to the grocery store or Ikea felt like a vacation!  And definitely schedule some time off from the kids each week to recharge - you'll go back to the kids loving them even more after a break.

The specific life balance and self care that you're familiar with is gone forever. You'll find new balance and new self care, but it will be radically different than before ... for the next 18-20 years. I think your great challenge is being young parents without a friend group to kvetch with, and I recommend you seek out a moms/parents support group and new pals with kids. I honestly think you need to kind of set your expectations that the next 2-3 years are likely to be by far the hardest of your life, barring some huge tragedy. And incredibly fun too!!! Comfort yourself knowing that it's hard for every parent - sometimes super hard. Some escape to work. I am personally a believer in a date night every single week, even if it's just down to a nearby bar for an hour. Sleep at every available opportunity. In a year, you can hand off your kids to another parent with 2 of similar ages for 2 hrs, and reciprocate - or just hang out with other parents of similar aged kids. This is why joining a great daycare community can be an advantage to everyone, including your toddler. Everyone will make friends. Daycare can be very p/t. I don't know where you're located but we ADORED Blue Skies in Oakland - it is spectacular and you'll have very very experienced teachers with deep expertise to go to with questions. They were a lifesaver for us. 

BTW, try putting your son to bed earlier to cope with not sleeping well ... or call a sleep expert. All can truly help. 

Good question. I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and I think about this all the time. Here's my take. First, you are at the absolute lowest point for self care. A baby and a two year old is SO HARD and it will probably never be this hard again. So don't blame yourself for having no time to yourself or add self care as another chore to your list. Just surviving each day is a major feat at this stage. 

Re: sleep. With both my kids, I did sleep training/night weaning between 6 and 12 months, trying to calibrate night feedings to their increasing consumption of solid foods. I used the Ferber method. It worked well for both and both were sleeping all night by 10 months (with occasional regressions/disruptions, of course). Can you consider that for the baby? I'm not as well versed in toddler sleep methods. Would it be worthwhile to consult with a sleep consultant on how to help your toddler improve sleep? 

Re: exercise. I find that it's easier to squeeze it in where possible than to schedule it. I walk at lunchtime two or three times during the week and eat lunch at my desk. I take stairs whenever possible. On the weekends, we try to do active things with the kids as much as possible (hike, run errands on foot, bike rides, even indoor dance parties). 

Re: current events. I listen to political and other podcasts during my commute, or while making tomorrow's lunch after the kids have gone to bed. This is some of the only adult intellectual stimulation I get and I CHERISH it. If I try to read a book, I just fall asleep, and listening to podcasts can be done while doing other things. 

Re: friends/socializing. A tough one. This takes the most planning and commitment, in my experience. Maybe aim for one social experience per month? I also like scheduling phone calls with friends. It helps to get caught up without having a big commitment. 

Hang in there. As a mom of a four year old, I can confidently say it DOES get easier. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

I so hear this! I have a 13-month-old and have only recently started to feel like I have the mental space to think about these questions. For our family, advance planning is key — really looking at our calendar, talking through things we both might want to do, and finding compromises. Every week will be different, and it’s helped me to try and remember that no one week represents the rest of my life. Two concrete suggestions: 1) think about ways to combine activities, like maybe you all go to the park and your partner plays with the kids while you go for a run (just an example) and 2) try to get the kids on a schedule. I know I’m wading into controversial territory here so I’ll just say that having a pretty consistent schedule, which did involve sleep-training, has made a huge difference for us as far as planning errands, time together, and time for ourselves, as well as making life easy for babysitters. You can do it!

We have only 1 at the moment (18 months -- we're fairly sure we want another but haven't quite pulled the trigger on it yet so to speak), so can't speak to your experience completely, but I definitely know the feeling of trying to find your groove again. I've been a part-time employed person and artist for most of my adult life, and when I now think back to the me from 2 or 3 years ago I wonder how she could ever have thought she was busy! It took us almost a year to really feel like we were getting our feet back under us, and we still have our days, but here are some things that work for us. 1) A schedule for our daughter. I'm home with her full-time and our days are quite structured; when we eat, what we eat, when we do chores, when we play outside, which days we have recurring "events" (playgroup, etc.) or are likely to visit friends. 2) Support network that combines paid and unpaid care. You mentioned your friends don't have kids -- how do they get along with your sons? We have one set of childless friends who LOVE our daughter (and the feeling is very mutual); they are the only ones besides us who have ever put her to bed. We try not to impose on them but they are happy to give us a date night every couple of months. Do you have neighbors who are grandparents (or wannabe grandparents?) We've got an older neighbor who has come over a few times after bedtime to basically "house-sit" while we went out to dinner. We also have had success with Swiss Cheese Childcare; now have a regular sitter who comes once a week for a few hours to give me a breather during the day. 3) Knowing what fills your cup and prioritizing that. My husband and I are both introverts and NEED solo time, but he struggles w/guilt over any time spent away from our daughter (since he works full-time) and I struggle with the unending list of tasks that is running a household. We cheerlead for each other on taking time to do the things that are restorative for us. 4) Connecting with your partner every day, even if it's just for a few minutes. We usually have a TV show that we're watching on Netflix, which gives us something low-impact to talk about even if we're both exhausted b/c one of us was up with the baby all night and the other had a long day.

I will say to you what my friends w/2 have said to me: 2 is harder than 1 for a while (especially when they're close in age like yours are), but then your boys will be old enough to play together, and things will get simpler.

Hope this helps. Hang in there dear. We hear you and see you, and this too will pass.

I think that’s just life with two kids. We have a just turned 5 year old and a just turned 1 year old. When it was just one kid, things were so manageable! We hit our stride and had it all down. Number two came and we are only now getting into a groove. He’s a terrible sleeper. Time is our most precious resource now. I think my friends with kids 2 years apart do get into a groove sooner than later. Try to make friends through your two year old - our wonderful circle of good friends are from my daughters preschool. Weekends are spent with them, having brunch doing park and having early dinner at our houses while kids run around playing.