My straight A high schooler is one of the Grizzly Peak Stoners?
I have a parenting issue and I would love to get advice. First, I am recently a single parent, as my husband of 17 years decided to leave for the woman he's been cheating with. And I found out it's been going on a while. And he is now using his newfound freedom to be the fun parent. During this traumatic 6 weeks of discovering years of lies, I also find out my 16 year old MHS senior is getting stoned. And she has gotten her 15 year old sophomore sister stoned, too. Now, having grown up in the 70-80s, I am not going to be hypocritical and act like getting high is an unthinkable act. Most of us parents did it at some time. However, I didn't make a habit of it; I didn't buy it and I didn't drive around. So, I tried to lay ground rules--no pot at school ever; no driving high; no going to Grizzly Peak to get high because it's dangerous; no pot on school nights; home by midnight except when there is an agreed-upon exception, and maintaining grades and other healthy habits like regular exercise. We agreed upon these rules and consequences for breaking them--loss of car keys for one month, loss of phone privileges and 9pm curfew. Well last night both girls were going to a friend's house and we agreed that, because it's a 3 day weekend, they were allowed to come home at 1am. My soon to be ex is staying somewhere in Lafayette. At midnight, I was suddenly gripped by suspicion that they were not where they said they would be because a Safeway charge appeared on my daughter's charge card. I looked on find my friends and saw they were on Grizzly Peak. I called them and got no answer. So I called their dad to get his help-hoping to drive up there with him, have him drive my daughter's car and I would drive them home. No answer. I got in my car, drove to Grizzly Peak and confronted them. They refused to get in my car. I called their dad and he asked me why I was spying on them and acting like a crazy person driving around and following them. He did not help and I finally had them drive slowly home. I enacted the punishment-no car, no phone for 1 month. My daughter claims she feels "betrayed" that I "violated her privacy". Their dad texted them while this was going on telling them both he hoped they were safe and if they needed to talk about anything to call him. No words of caution or reprimand. So I am attempting to parent my teens, while being undermined by their father. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this issue? And the Grizzly Peak Stoner problem is no laughing matter. I have seen cars go over the guardrail there many times. The kids seem to think "every one does it" and there are a lot of cars up there, but there's also limited capacity. So, in reality, those cars constitute a small portion of local high school kids and they aren't the ones I think my kids should be emulating. Advice anyone? I am struggling as a newly single mom trying to instill values!
Parent Replies
You are doing exactly right. Hold your ground. In the end, they will appreciate the boundaries. If not, you have kept them alive until they are old enough to make their own choices. Right now their teenage prefrontal cortex is not developed enough to make rational choices; they need adults to guide them. Sounds like your ex is dealing with guilt for his poor choices and trying to buy favor with kids by being the lenient one. I'm sorry that you have to be in the unenviable position of being bad cop, but you are doing the right thing.
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I'm having similar challenges. So I don't know if I have advice but maybe we care share ideas?
In my case I'm the "more lenient" parent, but my 17-year-old son seems to fight with his dad (my ex) whereas he and I have a good relationship. I have similar boundaries to you. My ex is super critical and pretty much intolerant of any pot smoking whatsovever (he's from another country and didn't grow up with Bay Area culture, so that's part of it). So as a pair we're a little further over on the spectrum than the two of you -- I've got pretty much the same rules you have but I'm the lenient one.
I've had a lot of long conversations with my son about minimizing his use, being very aware of the dangers of addiction. I think he's getting high more often than I'd like, he's gotten into trouble a few times recently (skipping school, trespassing) and I'm starting to worry that he may be dealing. He's a very responsible kid, gets mostly As, has a job, helps me take care of younger siblings -- always shows up. But I'm concerned about the crowd he hangs with.
My son says he wants to go to college and we're doing the UC application right now. My hope is that if he goes off to a small college not too far away but in a different environment -- not around the friends he has here -- that this will help. He'll have lots of work to do and will make new friends. He's applying mostly in SoCal so I think this might work.
I'm wondering if others have experience with the high school to college transition and what effect that has on a teen in this situation?
Also I'm thinking of having him start therapy because I'm concerned his use of drugs connects to underlying emotional issues that he could use some help with (upset over divorce, etc.).
Back up, I want to make sure I'm tracking here. Did you have your daughter "drive slowly" down from Grizzly Peak - while stoned? Next time, leave the car, and wake her up at the crack of dawn to go back with your to get the car the next day. If it gets towed, dear daughter has to pay. What kind of message are you sending your kid by letting her drive under the influence? She could have been killed, and was her sister in the car? You could have lost both of them - or they could have caused a wreck and killed someone else, something she never would have gotten over. It's time to show her some tough love mom. This is a kid begging for some boundaries. You are totally right to be snooping. It's your job. Don't count on dad, he's off having his second adolescence. Time to step up.
I can't tell you how much I feel for you. i wish I knew you and could tell you you are going to be fine (I do think so); however, you are struggling with something very hard on every end. I completely sympathize with the ex-husband situation. Mine didn't cheat but decided he could be an every other weekend so-so parent; not even the fun one. He brings our teen son to his place, lets him spend the entire weekend in his room playing videogames while he (the father) hangs out with his girlfriend. Our son has lots of issues and needs a lot of care and monitoring: his father is oblivious, and has dismissed me in the past about our son's issues, despite the objective facts. Maybe your daughters are struggling with the family's situation in this way. Would you be able to talk to a therapist? Is it possible, at all, to take away the car for a while? Not as punishment but to limit their freedom; they have proved they haven't earned that freedom. And, more than anything, take care of yourself, and trust that in time, things will fall in place. You seem like a responsible, caring woman, and your daughters will respond to that. Good luck with everything.
Don't listen to your daughters squawking about "You've invaded my privacy!" and "How dare you!" stuff. Let that go in one ear and out the other. Its like listening to a drug addict or alcoholic complain how mean you are if you wont buy them booze or give them drug money... its all noise and defensiveness and irrelevant.
Ive always told my young teens (now just 13 and 14) that they are allowed a smidgen of privacy until and unless I catch them 1. Repeat lying 2. Cutting classes/grades falling 3. Show up drunk 4. Lie to me about where they are going. 5.And/or otherwise going off the rails in unhealthy/illegal ways and making bad choices and decisions. Then all bets are off and Ill be up in their business because that's my job as a parent.
I am not divorced but your husband sounds childish and competitive. I wish you all the luck dealing with that. You can only do what you feel is the right way to parent. I would suggest counseling for yourself with a counselor knowledgeable about divorce and co parenting.