5yo daughter's private parts got pinched by a boy in swim class

Sorry to hear of this. Call the swim school manager right away, explain the situation, and see what they take as next steps. (I would suggest, kick the boy out of the class.)

What would I do?  I would let my daughter know it is completely unacceptable and that the adults in her life will make sure she is safe.  Then do what you need to do to keep her safe, whether that is telling the school director and having them take action, or if it is asking for your money back and going elsewhere, or if it merely asking them to transfer your daughter to a different class, or whatever seems best to you. 

I also think it needs to be made clear to the parents of the boy that he did this, and they need to take steps to address this behavior with him so he doesn't continue to abuse other children. 

I’m so sorry. I would be super upset too. I would talk to manager and have that boy remove from the class/pool

That is terrible and I am so sorry to hear. I am currently pregnant and can’t imagine that happening to my child. I definitely agree the you have to inform the pool facilities team to address with the parent of that child. If he’s doing it to your daughter, he is no doubt doing it to other girls. If he is not disciplined, he’s going to think that it’s ok. I do believe that boys needs to taught at a young age to respect girls. I hope this doesn’t ever happen again to your daughter.

I am so sorry to hear that your daughter experienced this. My two cents:

I would tell the person(s) in charge of the class, and of the facility about the assault. I would insist that the boy's parents be informed of what he did. I would also insist the boy be removed from the class so that your daughter (and other kids) can continue class in peace. (Why should your family be inconvenienced with changing classes?) The pool probably has a conduct code, which surely is broken when one child sexually assaults another. If they won't remove the boy, I would not put my daughter in the water with him again, ever. 

That boy could be causing trouble for other, less outspoken children at the same facility.  If you know the other parent I would start there.  If the parent is on-site, then my guess is that they've been around their son long enough that they might not be too surprised and deal with it with gracefully.  If the parent is mostly absent, I'd start with the instructor and insist that I be allowed on the pool deck to observe.  There is nothing to see but your daughter can agree on the use of a hand signal if anything makes her remotely uncomfortable.  It is important that she feel safe even if a repeat offense is unlikely.  I think removing my daughter from a swim school under a similar situation would not help either child and in the worst case scenario allow the problem to continue involving other victims.

Hello fellow concerned parent,

Its terrible you and your daughter had to experience this. I feel for you immensely. 

As a father of a 5yr girl (and a 3 yr old boy), I'd like to provide my perspective in the hopes it might help you grapple w your own thoughts and decisions.

First I would (try my very hardest to) tame my emotions and guide my child through her trauma; making clear that her private parts were touched and that is not OK. Those special areas are for her and her alone, no one - not mommy not daddy not billy or sally can touch/look/talk about those areas without permission. I would praise her and love her for confiding in me and reassure her that she did nothing wrong. And, because she is 5, to avoid over parenting and upsetting her that is where I would stop the discussion. I would follow closely over the coming days to see if she is reacting further to the event and address that when necessary.

I would then raise the concern w the swimming instructor and request a mediated sit down w the other parent. On this adult level, I would then engage in discussion with the other parent and try and determine what happened and the intent of the child. Depending on the outcome of this exchange, I would escalate or deescalate the situation, and if need be, remove my daughter from the program as a last resort (not before briefing other parents). 

In my exp, young kids are far too unrealiable for us to make definitive conclusions about intent and what actually happened, so heading into any discussion with an open mind is critical. But what is CLEAR (and what the discussion must be framed around) is that your daughters boundaries were violated and that can NOT go unaddressed. Not only for the safety, security and well being of your daughter, but also for this young boy who is also finding his way in this world and needs to be guided and taught how to make friends and how to love. 

Be strong, be tender. 

Your friend,

-Tom

I was not going to respond but fell like I should based on the other advice you were given.  This should not and should never happen to anyone, especially a child.
From what you posted is sounds like you have no doubt your daughter is telling the truth and the act was intentional and not an accident.  I will agree with the poster who said you have to keep your daughter safe, but she is the victim here and should not have to switch to another program or another class.  To remain quite about this will allow this child to "get away with it" and possibly attack other girls.  While I sick to hear this happened to your daughter I think you would be doing society a disservice not to report this.  You should be aware there is a law which requires the reporting of such incidents.  https://www.cde.ca.gov/ls/ss/ap/childabusereportingguide.asp

What I hope you do is tell your daughter what this boy did was wrong and she is not at fault.  Praise her for coming forward and telling you about this..  Tell her if anyone ever does something like this to her ever, she should report it to you.  If the boy is still in the swim class just have her stay away from the boy.  Talk to the people running the swim class and tell them what happened to your daughter.  What you don't know is maybe other parents have made similar reports to the staff and your daughter is just one more victim.  If you do not report this, there is no way to tell if this is a pattern or isolated incident.  The staff should instruct the swim instructor to keep an eye on your daughter and the boy and keep them separated.  Of the swim class needs to bring in additional staff to protect you daughter and the other girls.  I would not ask that the boy be removed from the class.  If the boy is being abused this might only make things worse for him.

I think you believe your daughter is telling the truth here and this was not an accident.  While I'm sure you would feel terrible for falsely accuse this boy, at the same time don't you think you would feel even worse if you learned he had attacked other girls or was being abused?  You are in a no win situation here but you are in a position to protect other girls.  I hope you step forward and report the incident.  Be strong. 

Damn it, this makes me so furious! Parents need to teach their children that touching anyone else without their permission is rude and not allowed!! Of course you can't always control what your child does, but you can start teaching them early on that they need to keep their hands to themselves...and our sons in particular, no matter what age they are, need to be reminded of this constantly! We as parents need to nip this type of behavior in the bud, or at least, do our best to do so.

I'm so angered and sorry to read that your daughter experienced such unacceptable behavior!! As someone's suggested, I would definitely inform her that ANYONE touching her body without her permission is UNACCPETABLE and that she should always feel safe to let you (her parents) know immediately if this happens. I wouldn't take this lightly and if you daughter can identify/name which boy did it, I would address it not just with the swim school, but also inform his parents. They may not be aware of his actions so better to let them know. I understand some may prefer the swim school to address the issue with the boy's parent but this is too serious to me to leave it to the swim school. By 7 or 8 years old, you're well aware that pinching/hitting anyone (let alone their private parts!) is not acceptable. 

I'd also ask my daughter if she wants to continue going to the swim school, even if the boy does get kicked out or she goes to a different class, she may not feel comfortable going to the same place where she felt attacked. Also, if she agrees to go back, I'd just continue to make sure she feels safe/comfortable. 

I am so sorry this happened to your daughter. The first thing I would do is tell your daughter calmly that what the other child did is not okay, that she has a right to not be touched that way, that she did the right thing to tell you, and that you are going to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Next, I would call the school and report the incident to them. Be sure to give the boy’s name if you know it, or as much description as possible if you don’t. I would directly ask the staff to separate this boy from your daughter at all times going forward. If they are in the same class, the school should move him to a different class. If they are not in the same class but in the pool at the same time, the school should commit to supervising the boy to ensure he goes no where near your daughter when she is there. If they say they don’t have enough staff to make these commitments then you should ask them to remove the boy from their school. If they refuse, then you should leave the school and find another option for your daughter. If they do agree to your requests, you should stick close by during your daughter’s lessons to make sure they are actually separating the boy from your daughter and properly supervising him. Tell your daughter what the school has agreed to do so she knows the boy is not supposed to come anywhere near her. 

Assuming all goes well, continue to occasionally check in with your daughter about how she’s feeling, ie, “How is swim school? Are you having fun? Is anything bothering you there?”

I hope the school does the right thing and addresses this. If I owned or managed a program like this I would have a zero tolerance agreement with families about this kind of behavior and would kick the boy out immediately and permanently. 

I would comfort my daughter and let her know that this behavior is unacceptable and to swim away from the boy.  In addition, I would speak with the swim instructor and the swim center and let them know about this situation.  They need to take action.  If this occurs again, I would again speak with the swim center and find another place for my child to swim.  Children deserve to be safe.  The boy needs to be spoken to and if necessary removed from the class.  Also, next time, stay with the class and watch the children around your daughter, show her that you are there to protect her.  Do not get distracted and stay alert to the children around her.  

I'm so sorry, this is awful. I agree with both of the other posts. I would 1) thank your daughter for telling you, tell her she did the right thing and talk to her about consent; 2) contact the school immediately and request they take action, whether that is removing the other child from your daughter's class or the school entirely; 3) contact the other parents if possible so that they can work with their son. 

Sorry that happened to you and your daughter. Same advice as other posters about calling the swim school and either requesting to have the boy removed to a different class or asking for a refund and moving schools. 

Have you had the "stranger danger" talk with your daughter? There are books and videos that we rented from the library that were helpful to start a dialogue. She can learn to say no/stop to the perpetrator. If she's not comfortable, then she can learn to seek out a teacher or adult that she trusts when it happens so the action can be addressed at that moment. 

I’m so sorry to hear this happened! I would be extremely upset too! I think there’s a balance here between handing this issue on an adult level to protect your daughter, while also giving her some control over the situation in an age appropriate way. Does your daughter want to remain in the swim class?  If she wants to remain then it’s up to you as a parent whether you think that can work. Regardless I think it’s important to talk to the swim director. This boy could have touched other girls in the class too.   If they don’t want to remove the boy from the class (maybe they don’t believe the touching was on purpose although it sounds like it was) and if you and your daughter decide she should remain in the class, then I think there needs to be a meeting with you and the swim director and the boy’s parent.  Also, I think it’s important in these situations to get support for ourselves. As women we have often experienced unwanted touching by men, and to have this happen to a daughter can be so triggering.  Because you want your daughter to feel safe and protected and like she can continue to talk to you, it’s important that she knows you can emotionally handle hearing when upsetting things happen to her.  

OMG!! I am so sorry to hear it . You need to talk with the owner of swimming school and this boy must be kicked out to school immediately. It is unacceptable. I hope she is better now . My love for both of you . 

I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter, it is incredibly upsetting and scary. I agree with everyone else's advice to alert the swim center manager right away. I would, however, refrain from calling this incident an assault as it was a 7- or 8-year old who hurt your daughter and I think it is dangerous to imply criminality based on a child's bad behavior. I would demand that the swim center has a frank and clear conversation with the child's parents that the behavior stop and I think they would be right to ask the parents to supervise the child at all times if he wanted to continue. I would definitely give him a chance to continue in the class as long as the inappropriate touching does not happen again.  Of course, if one more inappropriate incident were to occur, the kid should be removed from the class until he is able to control himself. 

In regards to the post about reporting this as an incident of child abuse:

I went to be sure to be clear here:

1. The law in no way generally mandates that you report an incident like this. The above poster misunderstands the law. 

2. If you have reason to believe the "pincher" is the victim of child abuse then you would want to report, though if you're not a mandated reporter I don't believe you're legally required to do so.

3. If you feel the need to report this incident to CPS, I would encourage you to understand that it is not harmless to report a child to CPS- the child may undergo a forensic exam (where they are taken to a facility and their body is examined for marks and signs of abuse), the child may be removed from school, from programs, isolated from their community. Their parents may be have to engage lawyers, lose a lot of time at work, even their job, and there are some very real consequences of having CPS unessecarily involved in a family's life. I think 75% of chid abuse reports are unfounded but have a very real and negative impact families. In many cases involvement from CPS is the beginning of a child ending up entailed with law enforcement and people of color are reported to CPS with much greater frequency. If you believe that this other child who pinched your daughter is the victim of child abuse, report this incident. If you are not sure, please ask questions and get more information before you involve the authorities. 

4. If you were to report this incident, please be sure you fill out the form accurately and provide as many details as possible. Be sure to share that you did not see the incident but that you 100% believe your daughter was being truthful.

I cannot agree with the balance of opinion here.  While it's terrible that your daughter was hurt, I think it's a stretch to know unequivocably that the boy knew what he was doing.  I remember when my girls were littler, older kids always looked so big.  But a 7 or 8 yo boy is still pretty young and clueless.  No, he shouldn't get away with pinching or any unprovoked attack, but I'm not convinced he should be thrown out of the class, unless the behavior persists.  Also, FWIW, one of my daughters was always big and was often assumed to be a year or 2 older than she was.  What if this boy is 6?  How accountable is he then?  Without knowing anything about this boy and his usual behavior, I wouldn't assume it was intentional.  This kid shouldn't be "convicted" without at least hearing his side of the story.  The incident should be reported, both to the school and the boy's parents.  Nothing more is necessary at this time.

I want to appreciate everyone for your comments and suggestions. Thank you so much!

Some updates: Swimming school directors and the boy's parents are noted about this incident. I also reported to Berkeley Police Station. Due to the privacy reason, I am not told the conversation between swimming school and the boy's parents. But one thing I know is that the boy still remains in the swimming school. 

It was such a scary incident. It's very hard for me and my daughter to get over with it. One piece of suggestion from me is that if you have to choose a Group Lesson, please watch your child and ask the swimming school if you could stay on site rather than looking through a window far away. 

I hesitated to reply to this since my point is a difficult one to make without sounding as if I'm minimizing the behavior or criticizing you, but I agree with the poster who emphasized the youth of the boy and the lack of clarity about his actual age.  In no way was this behavior acceptable, but it sounds to me, at bottom, like a fairly bad mistake (and teachable moment) for a very young boy, not a crime; and I was quite horrified to read that you had reported it to the police.  (For what it's worth, I have both daughters and sons myself, so I'm not seeing this from an "excuse the boy" viewpoint.) 

I also want to gently say that when I read your initial post, I was struck by the fact that you had "burst into tears in public."  While I'm sure this was extremely upsetting to hear, the fact that you were unable to control your emotions in the moment makes me fear that you are inadvertently transferring your own anxiety and terror to your daughter.  Did this incident bring up a trauma in your own past?  Without minimizing it, I don't think it would be healthy for your daughter to get the impression that this is a major trauma from which she will have difficulty moving on.  I know these things are difficult and complicated; I wish you and your family the best as you continue to process what was clearly a terribly challenging experience.

Notifying the young boy's parents and the swim school were right things to do. However, it's unfortunate that the parent of the girl decided to go to the Police - that unnecessary level of escalation to law enforcement scares me as a parent, particularly as a parent of a child of color. I believe everyone deserves a chance to correct themselves, especially a young child that is still learning about life. That young boy certainly needs to learn that what he did was not appropriate, but he should have been given an opportunity to do so (with the knowledge and guidance from his parents) before Police were invoked.