20 year old's marijuana addiction

You need to stop asking him to stop. It is annoying him and clearly useless. Ask him to do something with you instead. Help with the garden. Play tennis. Go for a walk or a run. Take an interest in his classes. Read his textbooks and tell him what you find interesting. Try to be a positive influence on his life. Find something to compliment. It may be difficult given the situation, but no one responds well to constant criticism. 

I am the person who submitted this question. Just to add, our son is not interested in his family or doing anything with it/us. We try asking him to join us or help us all the time, and the only thing he wants is for us to give him money or buy him things. He used to be into so many things, but ever since he started smoking pot in high school there are fewer and fewer of them, and now all he cares about is weed:  he smokes it, looks at pictures of it on his phone and now he wants to grow it (he tried that before and wasted our money on that). His car (which several family members bought for him) is littered with ash and remnants of weed, has holes burnt in the seats and stinks of pot since he's smoking in it with windows rolled up (I think that's called hotboxing).  He's impossible to talk to, as he's almost always either high or coming off of a high, so he's acting and speaking outside of social norm.  He almost got kicked out of college because of pot and is now forbidden to appear in person on campus until this year is over, which is ok since school is virtual now, but still. My husband is ready to check him into a rehab program, but we don't know if there's a good one that would work and then we'd have to talk our son into going there since he's an adult even though he's not acting or thinking like one. He's seeing a therapist, but cancels his sessions with him since he doesn't think he has any issues. I love him, but only because he's my son. I don't like him as a person at all, but still hope he would be at least able to take care of himself and be somewhat successful if he figures out how to become and stay sober. 

You describe a difficult and heart-breaking situation.  Anyone would feel helpless and sad in your situation. You are not alone. With the legalization of marijuana comes the social acceptance of it being a benign substance, which it is not, particularly for developing brains. Marijuana can be addictive. Many who are addicted to marijuana use other substances as well; for example, blunts are often also laced with cocaine. My son is also 20-years old and has been addicted for years. Not only has his life stalled, his development has regressed, and he has withdrawn from almost all engagement with people except those in his substance community. He does not live with me. 

I wish I had answers for you and a magic wand to make your son stop using. People who use, use for a reason. It's important to address the underlying reasons for use if person is to effectively stop using. You might consider looking into the following resources:

- Find a parents Al-Anon group and attend six meetings before deciding if the community is helpful for you. Different groups have different vibes, so if you don't find one you like, try another. Groups are meeting online during COVID, so you are not restricted to your immediate location. (https://al-anon.org)

- Check out the Center for Motivation and Change (CMC) and CMC Foundation for change (CMC:FFC) for the free "Parents 20-Minute Guide", as well as trainings and presentations (again virtual during COVID, so no location limited). I found their book "Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change" informative and useful.

- Assemble a team of support if possible for your son, you, and your spouse (if relevant). Best would be therapeutic support with practitioners trained in and having experience with addiction medicine. Addiction effects the entire family. Treatment is most effective when the family is involved and all change to a more healthy way of relating to one another. It's best for parents to be in alignment in addressing addiction.

- Consider a coach who comes to your home, for your son. One who works in the East Bay is East Gate Mentoring (http://www.eastgatementoring.com).

I wish you support and healing. Take care.

This doesn't sound at all like a simple matter of needing to be a more "positive influence on his life" as one parent posted. And it seems highly unlikely this can all be blamed on the pandemic either. Your son sounds like he's addicted to pot (as opposed to being a recreational smoker). I know a lot of addicts (I work in that field) and everything you've described is textbook addict. So yes, he needs rehab, or a 12 step program, or a therapist specializing in addiction. Unfortunately, because he's over 18, you have absolutely no power to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. And even if he was 17, you still can't make him work on recovery if he doesn't want to, as you discovered with his prior attempt at the Kaiser program. The only control you have at this point is over your own choices. I would suggest you go to an al-anon meeting or read a few al-anon books. They are very helpful in explaining how one lives with (or doesn't live with) an addicted loved one.

Also, wanted to add, just in case you're feeling badly about yourself for not liking him as a person: of course you don't like him! Nobody likes an addict who is actively using. They are, for the most part, self-absorbed, self-destructive, manipulative, and depressing. This is incredibly difficult for parents. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself so that if he decides to get sober you will be emotionally available to re-build your relationship. (This can be much harder to do if you allow his addiction to bankrupt you, either financially or emotionally.)

It's time for him to move out and support himself. He will then understand why smoking all day long doesn't work. It's time for some tough love. If he isn't contributing anything to your household its time for him to leave. Don't waste your money on rehab. Kick him out into the real world and he'll figure things out.

I think you are going to need to do some tough love here.  Stop giving him money and stuff that he can then sell for money.  Move all your jewelry and cash out of the house and into a safety deposit box so he can't access or steal from you.  You need to start some therapy to deal with him and what this can also do to your marriage or others in your family.  He needs rules that you will stick do if he breaks them.  You need to set strong boundries on what is acceptable behavior and when you will remove him from your home if he does not go into rehab.  He is an addict and you need to treat him like an addict.  

I am responding as the mother of an addict who sees in her own son a lot of the same behaviors you described in your post.  You describe someone whose weed usage has caused him to almost get kicked out of college and to be banned from campus until the year is over.  His usage in his car, suggests he may be driving under the influence, putting himself and others at risk of death or injury.  You will need more support to cope with this than you can receive in this forum.  I would encourage you to see a therapist and/or check out some Alanon meetings, or better yet - reach out to Willows in the Wind.  Since your son is 20, you can't put him in treatment if he doesn't want to do that.  What you can do is refuse to financially support this lifestyle.  This is hard and heartbreaking work, but you have to love him and yourself enough to set the boundaries of what you are willing to support.  You are presumably providing housing and paying for his college program also.  That is your leverage here.  Are you willing to tell him that if he doesn't stop using/seek treatment then he can no longer live at home and you will no longer pay for college?  Until you do, why would he stop?

I wish you all the best on this journey.  It is not an easy one, but you will find plenty of company.

The title you gave your post holds the answer. Your son is an addict. I have a young adult child who is, too. When they're young, in school, it's right for us to do whatever we can afford to in order to get them help, usually rehab or maybe a wilderness program.  But as they become adults, we need to realize that the only people who can address the addiction is our children themselves. All the nagging or begging in the world won't help; neither will family activities, frankly. It's frightening and sad to be the parent of an addict.  But it's time to take care of yourself.  You might find help in Alanon meetings specifically for parents. There's no judgment, and you will encounter many people who have had similar experiences. Meetings are online these days. Try this link: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting.  On the search page, where you are asked to enter your location, be sure to check the box for Advanced Search. Click on Parents. Feel free to contact me, too.

I have an almost 18 year old daughter who just came back from residential treatment for anxiety and depression and substance/alcohol abuse. She's doing much better but I see her sliding back into some old behaviors that are simliar to what you are describing, minus the aggression. I feel for you and understand the concern. I think since he is 20, it's time to talk about what he needs to do to become independent and move out. I think it's time to make some ultimatums, like this is what we need to see in order fro you to stay living at home. I'd get a parent coach to help you stick to your boundaries. If you have the funds, you can offer to send him to a rehab program and get an ed consultant to help you choose one. I know it's tough, but right now he gets a free ride and it's not helping him. There has to be some reality here for him to wake up.

Stop giving him money to buy pot. He lives in your house, he follows your rules. 

We are in a situation which feels similar, though different in detail.

One thing we are considering is that the reason our young adult stays in our home, rent free, is because he is family. So we are thinking of expecting him to sct like family. That means some family activities, he can help choose, so we all like them, some pitching in (grocery shopping or cooking some meals for us all, cleaning). If he cannot do these things then we expect him to do something to make himself capable of doing them, getting professional help.
This is hard.

Good to hear advice from people!