Little brother wants to wear sister's nail polish to school
My daughter loves dressing pretty and I let her use and buy her non-toxic nail polish, lip balm, and face lotion. Her younger brother is asking to have his nails painted too. Blue is his favorite color and she has a blue nail-polish from a set that she does not use (she only wants pink and purple) and she told him that he can have it. I put it on his feet once during spring break hoping the novelty will wear off but he is asking for it again and my husband says he is not allowed to wear it to school (I don't believe the school has a rule against it since my daughter wears it all the time, so I think it is just my husband's rule). I let my daughter wear it to school and told my husband I'm not going to take it away from her just because he does not want our son to wear it to school and he has to come up with a different way to explain to him why not. Our son really does not seem to care about the polish once it is on his nails and does not care about his outfit/look otherwise (wears sweats and long t-shirts to school daily with focus on comfort) but he asks for it whenever he sees her putting it on or whenever she talks about it. I really think it is just a matter of wanting what big sister has and not that he actually wants the polish (her and I do nails together so it likely magnifies the problem). Husband says that our boy is athletic and plays with very boyish rowdy kids and he does not want our son to be made fun off or get in conflict with his now friends because of something as silly as nail polish. I don't care and the boy is strong and definitely can stand up for himself, and I don't really want to tell my son that he cannot wear nail polish because his friends will make fun of him since in case other boys wear it I don't want to put that thought in his head that it is something to make fun of. Anyone encountered that in their early elementary age boy and how did you handle? Any good reason I can use to not let him wear the polish in public without taking it away from his sister? I don't want to overrule my husband on that since he feels strongly about it so letting our son wear it to school is not an option.
Parent Replies
I absolutely honor the idea that one must pick one's battles carefully, and that this is especially true with one's spouse and in the area of parenting! However, I just wanted to post one small plea that you reconsider whether you might engage again with your husband on this topic. Our society's rigid gender norms do nothing but perpetuate stereotypes and make people who don't fit the mold feel like there's something wrong with them. My son is 5 and he loves nail polish. He loves it a lot more than his sister. He likes that it's shiny, sparkly, and fun. And I mean, really, who doesn't like things that are shiny, sparkly, and fun?! There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I put it on him whenever he asks me to. He told me he has gotten teased at school a little bit for it, and I told him it is up to him whether or not he wants to continue wearing it. Interestingly, on the other hand, he also has a new male friend who thinks the nail polish is so cool, and they bonded over it. So you never know. But in my humble opinion, the chance that someone might pick on you is not a good enough reason to change who you are. This should be true for all kids of all genders. Anyway, I wish you the best in figuring it out.
I think you're probably right that it's more about being like his sister than anything else - my little brother used to ask to wear his shaggy 70s hair in ponytails like me when he was little. :) Also it's fun and colorful, and who doesn't love that? These days it doesn't seem like boys wearing nail polish is really that big a deal - my boys did occasionally up until 1st or 2nd grade, mostly on toenails but sometimes on fingers, and they weren't the only ones. (And if his friends do make fun of it, for better or worse, that will probably solve the problem, too.) If your husband is worried about it not being "manly" (whatever that means), you can point out that baseball catchers regularly wear nail polish (to help the pitcher spot signs), as well as guitar players (to help them watch the fingers on their fretting hand), and random movie stars who just want to be cool and different like Johnny Depp, Taye Diggs, Seal, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron - check out Depp and Efron sporting blue nail polish here: http://www.elle.com/beauty/news/a19893/man-nail-polish/. If it were up to me, I'd say don't make a big deal about it and just let him wear it, and he'll probably outgrow it on his own.
By telling your daughter she can wear the nail polish and telling your son he can't you are directly telling your children that they have to comply with arbitrary societal gender roles over their own preferences. It sounds like this is what your husband wants to teach your children (or at least your son) and that you are not sure. Frankly, this seems like a "parents are not on the same page" issue. For what it's worth (though you didn't ask) telling your son he can't do something because it is a "girl's thing" and he "might get bullied for it" is perpetuating misogyny and teaching your son that it is ok for people to bully him if he does girl's things rather than helping him stand up for his right to define himself and showing him that it is ok to be different.
My son loved wearing toenail polish! It started when he was about 3 and lasted until 1st grade. He is now in HS, plays sports, is an Eagle Scout, has great friends and does well in school. I say let your son decide. If he's OK with it why not let him have this bond with his sister?
Just my uninformed opinion, but I'd let him wear it. If other kids make fun of him, he can always remove it and not wear it to school again. In this day and age, I believe it's more important to let a kid express themselves as long as it harms no one else. As for your husband, you need to be on the same page, I get that, but it sounds like he has some kind of homophobic issues he's not facing. So bottom line, don't take the nail polish away from anyone. Any chance your son would accept a pedicure instead? Seems like that might be a good compromise because he has to wear shoes to school. And just so you know, conflicts in early elementary aged boys are going to happen no matter what. Also consider asking your son if any of his other friends are wearing nail polish too, and what he thinks they might think about it if they do. Maybe share some online pics of rock stars and celebrities who identify as male and wear it. The bigger deal you make of this kind of thing, the more damaging it becomes. Let it pass -- there will be plenty of other battles to wage, this one is not worth it.
May I respectfully say that your husband is way out of line and dead wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with boys wearing nail polish in this day and age. You must push back on him with this rather than perpetuating these idiotic, outdated gender biases. My husband would be sleeping on the couch if he ever said something like that in our home.
No, there is no good reason not to let him wear the polish in public, so there is nothing you can say to him. I guess you could say, "Your dad doesn't want you to wear nail polish." Really, your husband is the one who has the problem, so I think he should have to come up with something to tell your son.
I think the most diplomatic way of saying it is that gender fluidity in play is fine, but sticking with gender role stereotypes in real life is your family value. Your daughter is practicing and honing her primary gender identity, but your son is costuming and "trying out" another gender identity for fun. She's wearing her normal self; he's not. That's not to shame kids who ARE the other gender on the inside-that's just not the case for him. Ask him to keep the costuming for home at least for now. Just tell him he needs more practice being the "boy" stereotype in his daily life and really grow into it-or not. But the "or not" part needs to be considered in a few years when he's older.
And it's all the truth. Your family is choosing to enforce the expectation of gender conformity, so you may as well embrace it. My boys are stereotypical boys in terms of trucks snd trains and mass destruction, but oh how they love costuming, make up and nail polish. We are fine with it, because the less energy we give it, the more they will enjoy it and get what they want/need and move on. When it starts triggering the parents, that's when it becomes a loaded situation and a short phase becomes a source of conflict. Explain it very plainly to your son that other families are fine with gender nonconforming behavior in their kids and that is fine for them. But you will have to draw the line and say that is not what the family believes is right for them. Own what you are doing. Embrace the small mindedness of it so not to disparage gender nonbinary kids. And it may come in handy when you may or may not discover years from now if this was a passing phase or the stirrings of gender preference emerging. I can guarrantee that if you shame him, you will drive a wedge in your relationship that will only get bigger over time.
Good luck!
I can't help you find a good reason to not let him wear polish in public because there isn't one, and I certainly wouldn't take it away from his sister. My son wore nail polish AND a purple tutu and tiara when he was little; he's now playing middle school lacrosse and a boy in every sense. Wearing nail polish is FUN! Why should it only be for girls?? No one made fun of him, and we treated it as a nonissue.
From the mouths of (extremely wise) babes: https://vimeo.com/154811690
I hope you find a way to let your son have fun and not take it too seriously.
There's no reason he can't enjoy having his nails painted. Years ago necklaces or earrings for males were shocking and now nobody bats an eye. I think the whole play-by-the-gender-rules is frustrating, limiting, and damaging. Let the kiddos explore! (My son has had painted nails before. Nobody bothered him about it.)
When our son was younger he wore nail polish, long hair, beads and all things considered feminine. At first my husband was worried as well. However, he soon realized that in this new era of gender fluidity our son was /is very in touch with his feminine energy.
We live in a very special place where boys can participate in what used to be defined as "just for girls". How creative and liberating for our kids!
Btw, my husband supported our son by growing his hair long and painting his nails. He grew up with five brothers all very athletic. This took a lot of love and compassion on his part.
Let your son express himself freely!
In Berkeley public elementary schools, at least, I've noticed it's not uncommon for boys to wear nail polish. Usually of the blue, green, or black variety.
It's too bad you feel your son can't paint his nails blue just because you think his friends will make fun of him. How do you know that? Maybe they'll want to try it out too. It's blue, after all. It's a wierd color that probably did not occur on nails when you or your husband were growing up and learning about nail polish "norms."