Kindergartner getting bullied at BUSD recess
There is a pattern of two first-grade boys who are bullying my kindergarten son at recess (K and 1st grade have recess together). After it became clear it was a pattern, I talked to the teacher. She then talked to the kids and their teacher and the bullying stopped for about a week. Then one of the kids bullied my son again just before the Thanksgiving break. (I am writing this over the T-Day holiday.)
My son is an introvert and tends to be alone at recess, which probably makes him an easy target. I've observed recess (before the bullying started) and the yard supervisors literally sit on their butts. Most of the incidents have happened at the lunchtime recess, so the teachers are on their breaks.
The bullying includes: walking in circles around my son and then knocking him over and/or punching him. He has had a bloody, swollen lip and another time, he bit his tongue hard and it was sore for a couple of days. Most of the time, grown-ups aren't aware of anything that's going on. I am working with my son on going to a grown-up for help!
I have signed up for a Kidpower class, and in the meantime, I have coached my son to say loudly and strongly, "Stop [bully's name], don't push me!" (or whatever the bully is doing). The last time it happened, my son says that a grown-up (he isn't sure who) took the bully to the office after he strongly said "stop!"
What happens after a kid goes to the office for this type of thing? Are his parents' notified?
I'm starting to wonder if I'm not getting the full story from my son (or if part of it is made up?). There are some details that aren't clear. My son says he doesn't know if it was a man or woman grown-up (odd that he wouldn't know that) who took the bully to the office, for example.
I have polled all of my friends about this and they tell me that as this age, bullying has only stopped when they have personally talked to the parents. Everyone also says to talk to the principal, which I will be doing on Monday, I suppose.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? Do I really have to go to the principal? Any other suggestions to empower my son to stand up for himself? I am not against him pushing/hitting back and have told my son that it would be OK to do that. I would consider martial arts, but everything I read says that kids aren't focused enough to do martial arts until they're 7.
Thank you, o wise ones!
Parent Replies
Of course you go to the principal! Why would you hesitate? Are you feeling shy or are you worried it'll blow back on your kid? Listen, you have to advocate for your kid. There's only so much a kindergartener can do. And even if you could get him martial arts training, what is he gonna do, give the bully a karate chop and then get sent to the office for being the aggressor? That's what's going to happen, and the bullys' moms will be all "waah waah waah, our snowflakes are the victims here." Talk to the principal, say this is completely unacceptable. Do not let the principal tell you the solution is to keep your kid inside while the bullies get to be jerks to someone else's kid. Demand that the school get a Playworks coach -- they teach the kids schoolyard games to keep them engaged so they don't become bullies out of sheer boredom, and they also teach the bullied kids how to change the interaction (but kinder is really too young to expect this!!!).
I don't think it's odd that he wouldn't know who took the bully to the office.
The teacher should be better at intervening and changing this behavior. The school should have an anti-bullying policy. At our school (in WCCUSD), the teachers of the young grades (K-2) are geniuses at redirecting the energy of aggressive kids and drawing out their better selves. I've watched it happen. They are not usually terrible kids, they just need an abundance of guidance.
Go forth and advocate! Give 'em hell!!
I think it's appropriate that you speak to the principal, and teachers. Afterwards, write an email thanking them for meeting/speaking with you, and recap what you discussed. Print out the email and keep it in a folder, along with a piece of paper noting any incidents, as far back as you can remember. Hopefully this will get straightened right out, but if not, you have a record. The teachers may already be aware of these first-graders, and there may be other kindergartners now or in the future who will be a target. Yours can be part of a communal response to help the first graders understand the meanings/consequences of their actions.
As far as the accuracy of your son's reports: believe him. He needs you to believe him, AND you can assume that you don't know all sides of the story when you speak to the teachers. It doesn't surprise me, for instance, that he can't remember if it was a male or female adult who took the kid to the office - your son was stressed out from the incident, and wasn't thinking clearly, as anyone would be.
The kidpower class sounds great, and my concern about encouraging him to hit back is that HE would then get in trouble, which would be so dang unfair! My kid was bullied in K/1st too, and I spoke to the principal who spoke to the parents, which worked.
Ari F-M
Just in regards to your question about "do I have to go the to principal?"
Yes! That's what she's there for. Bullying shouldn't be tolerated. And the monitors should be actively monitoring your son and the others at this point. Ask the administrator to sit in with you and the teacher. Not because you want to get the teacher "in trouble" or anything but because you are a team.
From this point on you must become a warrior with no patience who will absolutely not accept wishy-washy responses from cautious bureaucrats hiding behind Cali-soft peace-at-all-costs policy. Your kid is getting intimidated & assaulted. So be nice enough not to assault principals or teachers but DO intimidate them. Do some research to find out the hardball consequences with which you can threaten hesitant adults if they hem & haw.
Understood, it's difficult for school officials to act decisively against bullies (especially in California, especially in Berkeley). But be alert: the instant someone seems to be afraid of going 'too strong' against bullies & hurting their 'confused' childish natures, you call "Bullshit!" & bring the attention back to yoyr kid getting assaulted. The instant someone seems to be afraid of possibly angering the bully's parents, show that YOU are ALREADY angry & every bit as likely to take legal action as any defensive parents of rough kids.
Bullies & often their parents laugh at the counseling-style consequences brought to bear on their 'emotionally confused child' who likes to beat the crap out of a weaker child. Bullies are not all 'misunderstood,' they are violent. THEY HURT YOUR CHILD. Doesn't that outrage you? So show it & get results.
You might read the chapter "Bullies" in the book "Boys Will Be" by Bruce Brooks (1993, Henry Holt). A bit dated, a bit rough, but perhaps also a bit spine-stiffening.
I'm sorry this is happening and want you to know you are not alone. It happens all the time, but that does not in any way excuse it or mean you shouldn't take action. I think it is perfectly appropriate to go to the principal: s/he is an available resource and should be able to help. You don't have to know the answers (including how much your kid may or may not be "exaggerating"): you just know that your kid is having a hard time during recess and he needs the adults in his life to help him out. Principals have a professional duty to make sure all kids are in a safe learning environment, and with any luck your principal will help you understand what is going on and help you come up with an effective response (hopefully involving the classroom teacher as well). Please don't be reluctant to use the principal as a resource. I don't think you should talk to the parents yourself, but this is something you can discuss with the principal, too.
I have a child who, when younger, seemed to attract bullies. I found that some principals are effective in the way they handle these things, and some are not. I think you stand a pretty good chance in BUSD of having a principal who responds well, but follow up and keep checking. You are your child's advocate, and I think it is very important to act and take what the child says seriously. In general, I think kids only complain about these things to parents when things are really a problem for them (I know there are exceptions, and every kid has a different way of interpreting and communicating these things, but remember YOU KNOW YOUR KID BEST, so trust your judgement about what he is saying. The exact details don't have to be 100% accurate: the point is that something is going on that is creating problems for him).
Kid Power is a great resource. Some martial arts studios offer classes specifically for younger children. We loved Studio Naga on San Pablo Avenue. They teach an Indonesia form of martial arts, and have a class specifically for 5 to 7 year olds (sometimes includes even younger kids, or beginners who are older). Studio Naga has a wonderful, inclusive, family friendly environment, lots of kids of different ages (many of them great role models), very kind and dedicated teachers, and experience with kids who are shy. One reason I love the studio is that the senior leadership are women, which tends to make it less macho feeling than many martial arts I've had contact with (though the leadership is still totally tough and bad-ass). Call them up and ask to speak with Louise, who runs the studio, and tell her your specific concerns.
Best wishes to you and your son. Sounds like you are being wonderfully proactive. Kids can really be mean, and it is the duty of adults to show them how to be kind and respectful.
Yes, go to the principal. Let your son know that you have his back (literally). He's too young to have to do this for himself! He needs to know you will make sure he is safe and your actions will speak louder than your tutoring him.