Kids seeing ex-husband's girlfriend (who he had affair with)

I think that it's reasonable to discuss neither of you introducing the kids to a significant other until a specific period of time has gone by and it's clear that the relationship will be long-term. You can talk about how confusing it is for kids to have adults come and go from their lives. Good parents understand this, crappy parents move in right away with the first person who comes along and force their kids to deal with their ridiculous drama. Hopefully your ex will recognize that it's important for the kids to be with just him for a while. He's not going to have them full time so he has plenty of time to spend with his mistress when they're not there. You're 100% right to be concerned about this. The type of women who would have a long-term affair with a married man is not the type of woman who I would want raising my kids. When I was in the situation I wanted to get divorced but ended up staying so that my husband's horrible mistress wouldn't have access to my kids. I made the right decision but had their been no kids I would have been out of here so quickly.

Unfortunately, many people are selfish and don't put their kids' best interests first.

There's definitely a chance that now that your ex and his mistress are in a real relationship that it won't last. They won't have the excitement of sneaking around and they'll have to talk about real stuff like finances, etc.  You can just sit back and watch it blow up. And if it doesn't, then you'll need to do everything in your power to keep the peace with the two of them and open up lines of communication with her. It will suck but you can do it.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It will be a very difficult road given the breach of trust. My advice would be to elevate the needs of your kids above ALL. This new woman may (unlikely but may) turn out to be their forever step-Mom. You can have honest talks with your ex about your feelings and his management of the significant others in terms of your children. You can make well-based requests but you can't control. Engage him (coffee or dinner twice/month?) for the long haul well-being of your kids. Good luck!

Once you and your husband are living separately, you really have no control over what he does when the kids are with him. You will destroy yourself trying. It is just not worth it. 

You could instead consider an open marriage. You could continue to live together as a family, and you both could have the freedom to pursue sexual relationships elsewhere. Perhaps the kids would not have to be exposed to the girlfriends or boyfriends in that scenario. However, this could create other difficult emotions. 

You say that you tried to repair the relationship, but couldn't. I think you mean that your couldn't revive the relationship you had before the breach of trust. But since you have kids together, you are going to have a relationship. It is going to be different. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to get a divorce or live apart. You have to decide what parts work, and what parts don't. Were you able to agree on finances, discipline of kids, taking care of the home?  What is most important to you? Not seeing him everyday, or the kids not seeing her?

I am so sorry to hear this has happened.  It's awful, unfair, and sucks. Your soon-to-be ex is a complete coward (among other things ...) and he needs to waaay step up and RESPECT your feelings here.  YES you have the right to request that she stay away from your kids.  Be forceful, direct, and clear:  tell him you do not, under any circumstances, want this woman interacting with your children.  This is your right.  You need time to heal.  Your kids, your sanity, are the most important things.  I'm not sure what legal action you can take, but I would threaten legal action if he violates your request. He's proven himself to be totally untrustworthy.   And I don't know how you can be sure he's honoring your request, without just being with your kids 100% of the time....  I understand the jerk says he wants to be involved, but you both need to get to a healthy place first, and that takes time. You both could use some therapy together to navigate this. He owes you.  If you don't already have one, get a personal therapist for support. I completely understand how you can't fathom this woman being around your kids.  I would feel the same.  Get as much emotional support as you can from friends, family,, therapists.  

Take care.

The heartbreak of the affair partner being in the kids' lives is your issue, a new person in the kids' life (affair or any other intimate partner) is your kids' issue.  You need to work through all the pain and betrayal about his affair without allowing your feelings about your kids having an eventual relationship with this particular person become your kids' problem and burden.  Some ground rules, for both of you, about staying child-focused as you go forward, however, are important and militate against any new partner (the affair partner or otherwise) getting involved in the kids' lives now or any time soon.  Parents, and especially parents who have recently separated, should not introduce any new partner into the children's lives until (1) the kids have settled into the new normal of two households and feel secure in their new routines and newly evolved relationships with each parent as a single parent; and (2) the relationship with the new partner is of some duration and rock-solid.  These principles apply to both of you, and the second with respect to any new partner relationship.  The first is important because separation is traumatic for kids, even young kids, and they need time -- sometimes a lot of time -- to settle into the new normal, grieve the loss of the security of their parents' unit, and feel secure again.  The second is important because introducing new partners too soon to kids is unsettling and can cause real harm if the relationship does not last.  The kids then will have made relationships with new people, whom they may have gotten very attached to, only to have them ripped away if the parent and new partner break up.  That leaves the kids bereft, and teaches all the wrong lessons about relationships, trust and stability.  You might benefit form some sessions with a co-parent counselor, who can work with you on developing common child-centered values and rules, and co-parenting strategies that will help you both navigate issues going forward.  Good luck.  This is awful right now, but you will get through it.     

So sorry you find yourself in this situation and your feelings are understandable though as an disinterested reader of the situation I think that just because your husband cheated on you with that woman is not a good enough reason to insist that she cannot be around when your soon to be ex-husband is with the kids now that you are separated.  You are justified in asking that she not be around you since it causes you pain to see her, but the kids' father is entitled to time with the kids and have the woman he is currently with (whoever she is) be around the children.  If the woman is a danger to the kids, does drugs or drinks excessively alcohol, or could somehow cause the kids harm by being around them than you are justified in asking for her to be kept away, but if she is just an average woman and poses no danger or harm to the children than despite understanding the dislike you have for her, it is not really reasonable that the father ensure that his current girlfriend is not around when he sees his kids.  Another consideration is that unless your husband is very good at caring for young children, it might be good for him to have a woman nearby when he takes the kids out so he has an extra set of hands and can better care for the kids.  If the kids were older and understood the situation and shared your feelings about that woman so that seeing her caused them pain than it would be different, but with kids that young and since your reasons are not based on your kids' best interests but rather your dislike for that woman, I don't think your husband has to honor it.  Curious to see what others think of the situation.  

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine how hard it must be. I am posting as an adult child of divorced parents. My dad also cheated and his GF and they lived together during and after the divorce - about 5 years total until he moved on again. My parents didn't really talk to each other much or co-parent at all.And my brother and I worked it for all it was worth - we collected allowance from both parents, when one grounded us, we went to the other's house where we knew the rules would not be enforced. My parents were not bad and not particularly irresponsible, but during and after the divorce, they had other priorities - licking their wounds, work, love lives. Us kids were pretty far down on the list and they did with us what they thought would be easiest. My mom later said she let dad have us most of the time because she "didn't want to fight with him.' We grew up pretty fast but not really well - I left the country to escape my feelings of isolation, my brother landed in prison for a few years. We both got it together eventually but our teens and 20's were rough. My advice to you is maybe not what you want to hear right now but here goes.

Skip forward 13 years in you mind. You are the divorced mom of two teenagers. They have friends and you may or may not know the parents. they go out saying they are at dad's house or a friends house, are they? can you call to make sure? it depends on your relationship with dad and whoever may pick up the phone. Will they be able to call you to make sure the kids are where they are supposed to be and not out being dumb teenagers doing dangerous things?  I recently heard a mom tell about the network she had with her ex and the new wife. how they called and talked and collaborated - that NEVER would have happened with my parents but so great for her kids and her sanity! Another friend of mine, who happens to be the second wife, describes how she would always call mom if the daughter had a fever to ask what would be OK to give her and how best to handle a sick child.

Your kids' childhoods will last longer than the pain you are feeling right now. And the fact is you can not control what happens when they are will dad.  please try to take the long view and lay the groundwork now. You don't have to be buddies with ex or his GF but try not to isolate them, try not to close the door all the way. You will always be mom, no one can change that and no one can take that away. But to be the best mom you can be, try to put your feelings aside and do whats best for the kids.

That sucks and is really painful, but the reality is that you have no rights over your ex's personal life. And if you go in acting like you have the right to tell him what he can do with his girlfriend, you'll be starting things off on a combative note, which immediately puts him in a position to combat right back.

See if you can agree to attend a co-patenting program together (it can be part of the court ordered divorce agreement). Approach the significant others issue within the context of the program at the appropriate point and with the support of the facilitators. Maybe even talk with the facilitators beforehand to get advice on the best way to approach it to set yourself up for success. I do think it's reasonable and in the children's best interest to limit exposure to significant others until it's likely to be long term, but there's no way to force it

I'm sorry that you're going through this, and that in fact you don't have any control over your ex in this particular situation. But it might be worth consulting with a child psychologist/therapist about the best way to handle this. It's a big transition for the kids, and it wouldn't be good for them if, for example, their father moves the girlfriend in and they have to cope with household breaking up and have a stepparent figure forced on them at the same time. Along the same vein, in negotiating your custody agreement, I'd consider a clause on when/how new partners are introduced, including overnights while your children are in the house. As I understand it from talking to my lawyer, courts don't like to get involved in this arena, but it's something the parents can work out.