Kids and electronics - what would you differently as a parent if you had known better?
I gave birth to my children during the nascent age of electronics and social media. I feel like I have been living in the modern version of the "wild west". Figuring out how to understand and navigate the impact on family life has been a challenge. And while historically parents have had to deal with some new invention or influence that they thought was sure to be the ruin of a generation (think of the tv in the 1950-60s), I wish I had known then what I know now. My kids are now teenagers (one in HS and one in college) and while I haven't completely given up on placing limits, implementing limits now is very hard as, rather than having them accept the limit as a requirement for having a phone, computer, or other device, they see limits as a breach of their rights. Here are a few things I wish I had known to do before giving them a device.
1) I would remind them on a daily basis that their right to have a device was not purely for entertainment purposes (or their social communication needs), but so that their parents can communicate with them and know they are safe. They can use the devices after they have taken care of their responsibilities such as homework and chores. If the use of devices interferes with their ability to participate and contribute to activities, sports, priorities, family life, or school then the limits will be re-evaluated.
2) For the iPhone (or other Apple devices), I would have set up restrictions such that access to the internet was either not allowed (up to about age 12) or after age 13, was limited (no explicit of adult web access). I would have set up the location tracking option so that I could check their location whenever I needed to. I would have required them to use an Apple Id that I had access to so that I could monitor, if necessary, what apps they were downloading.
3) I would have installed on the WIFI some technology to allow me to set limits remotely (such as Circle by Disney). With it parents can control daily time spent online, set bedtimes, limit and monitor websites visited, etc. The system has a reward system so that if they do chores or homework, you can give them more time.
What would you do or have done differently if you had known better with your family and electronics? What are your current rules for electronics, media, and family participation, fulfilling responsibilities, etc. for your children or teenagers? I'd love to hear others' experiences.
Parent Replies
I love the limits you outlined and am going to incorporate them into our current restrictions for our 13 and 15 year olds (who would claim that we have the strictest electronics policy).
We have a rule that kids need to use their devices in common areas of the house--no bedrooms, no bathrooms. They also need to dock their phones in the kitchen before bed. We've tried to instill time limits on cell phone use but it's very difficult because they say they want to check for a friend's reply regarding plans which we allow and then time gets away and we realize they've been watching YouTube for a half hour.
Thank you for your great ideas, looking forward to reading others' as well.
I have an upcoming senior in high school. In my opinion, she watches way too much Netflix, but I have had no rules/restrictions on electronics and she has always been able to control herself pretty well. Monitoring TV when she was little wasn't much of an issue either. She keeps her own schedule for sleep, exercise, chores, homework and music, but after that she can do whatever she wants. I guess my advice is to, rather than to have electronics rules, have rules for the other things and the kids can use electronics when the other stuff is done.
My daughter was the last person in her 8th grade to get a cell phone. I thought it wasn't necessary, as I wasn't concerned about safety. I had read all the media about kids using them too much. Now I think that was a mistake. It cut her off socially from events (because people couldn't reach her) and ongoing chats. If I had it to do over, I would get her a phone when 50% of her peers had one (not 95%). When she got a phone, she used it responsibly. I got my son a phone at the beginning of 7th grade. Our kids charged their phone overnight away from their bedrooms so their sleep was not disturbed. They were all for it. We told our children that we would track them if we felt it was necessary, but it rarely was (and usually because the cell phone had been misplaced.) Cell phones are the basis for children's social lives. They are necessary for the last minute arrangement that dominate teenage meetings. My daughter keeps in touch with friends that don't live locally, and these relationships have enhanced her life.
My kids, two girls 12 1/2 and 15, have to have their phones charging by 9 PM. I have circle by Disney and tried to institute two periods of no Wi-Fi time (or data time) during the summer, but found one child was more than willing to just play games if she wasn't connected or at camp. I hadn't thought that one through. The other one will just review her photos, but does have activities scheduled throughout the day that keep her busy. Neither one has access to the Internet, except for homework.
Even with these restrictions, they are constantly on their phones and it has negatively affected family life. I applaud any and all attempts to diminish the hold that these devices have on our lives.
I wish I had known more about screen life earlier in parenting. I think it is important to ask yourself, what is the problem that you think screens are causing for your family and what are you trying to correct? My kids are now 17 and 19. The phone has been the big issue in my house rather than video games or TV. So each household will need different rules. It would have been helpful to set limits before they got their phones, as opposed to afterwards. At first, the phones were not a problem, and they were never a problem for my older child. It was difficult to set new limits on a younger child that the older child did not have nor need. I also think that if you set too many rules, you end up playing a cat and mouse game trying always to figure out if they are using their phones correctly. I dont want to demonize phones, nor the reality of their generation. The overuse of screens does not just plague their generation, but every generation. My simple rules would be: 1. charge the phones in the kitchen at night and not in their rooms. 2. Set a certain time when the phones get turned off at night. 3. No screens at the dinner table. 4. Phone off while driving. 4. Set a certain amount of time each day without the phone/screens. 2 hours? The rest of the time, they were mostly using phones for homework, socializing, reading etc. which are ok in my book, although it took me some time to get there. It is important for me that my kids do their schoolwork, chores, activities away from screens, have real life friendships, talk about their own struggles with getting off the phone, I talk about my strategies for it with them. We continue to take vacations where there are no screens. That's all I can think of for now, but the possible rules and precautions are endless. I suggest knowing who your kid is and how they will use screens as well as communicating your values about screens, face to face connection, empathy etc.