International baby and divorce

Based on my experience in court, in general, California Courts prefer shared custody.  Studies show kids who have both parents involved in their lives do better in the long run.  If you want it, you will likely get it- especially if you move here.  Shared arrangements for a newborn infant are complicated- especially if you are overseas, which will mean your time with your child will increase more slowly and probably require you to come to the child for the visits until the child is old enough to travel.  If you are already here, you are likely to get up to 50/50 physical custody and shared legal custody.  If she breast feeds, your initial visits may be for a couple hours a day between feedings until a strong milk is established and she can pump.  The more frequent contact you can have with your baby and the more parenting care you can provide, your physical custody arrangements can more quickly increase up to 50/50, so it's great you are looking into this now.   Plus it takes a while to get on a court calendar.  Since it sounds like you will be fought strongly, it will be very helpful for you to get a lawyer who can advise you of the laws, help you make reasonable shared custody plans to advocate for in the mediation session that will be required before you go to court, and support you through a challenging process.  The family violence charge will need solid evidence if it is to be taken seriously by courts and a lawyer can really help here as well.  Even if it is proven, you could still get supervised visitation initially to demonstrate your healthiness as a father.  Taking baby care classes ahead of time can also show the courts your commitment.  I have to say the court process can be difficult, but it is worth it for your little one.  A good lawyer, who cares about the child's wellbeing more than your "winning", to support you can really be helpful.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  It's worth it to be part of the child's life!  Good luck!

A friend went through a similar problem although not with the international issue.  Decide here and now how much you want this as it will be time consuming, expensive, and painful.  If you decide to proceed...  1.  Write down your courtship/marriage/separation story in as much detail as you can -- names, places, dates, etc.  Every single detail (even before the pregnancy) may become an issue, so get it all straight now and document whatever you can using receipts, emails, etc.  If necessary, find articulate people who can corroborate your story or be a character witness.  No lies or exaggerations.  Just the facts.  Include details about how you have reached out and tried to be included already in this child's care.  2.  Create a log of all your interactions with your wife and save all evidence (back up email files, take photos of texts, organize your photos, etc.).  3.  Once you have everything documented and are organized (and you'll want to move on this as quickly as possible), find a very good lawyer who is fair but thorough.  (Lawyers bill on the fraction of the hour, so this is where your organization really helps.  You'll have whatever they need without delay.  This also helps you look very mature to a judge.)  4.  Take the high road in every single interaction from this moment forward no matter how frustrated you become.  You want to prove to the court that you are mature and capable of being a good father.  Assume any ugly words or actions on your part can and will be used against you.  Also, if this works out, you will need to work with your wife peaceably for the next 18 years and beyond for the sake of your child.  Controlling emotions/reactions can be hard so get counseling (preferably with your wife) and build a support network of kind and positive family/friends.  They will be your backup and your child's "village," so choose well.  5.  You may or may not win and thus you may or may not get a chance to spend much time with this child early in their life.  I would recommend starting a sort of journal for your son or daughter, writing them a collection of letters that they can read later.  Let them know how excited you are to be a father, what you'd like them to know about you, your family history, and life advice.  (Be very courteous when discussing your wife in these missives.)  If the worse happens and you can't establish a relationship with this child until it is older, you can at least prove you tried hard to be a father and thought of them often.  If the best happens and you are involved in the child's life, this writing will help you clarify your role as a father and will be a great gift to them upon adulthood.  Best of luck.  I hope you can work out a peaceable solution.  My friend was able to in the end despite horrible claims of abuse and such heaped on him by his soon-to-be-ex wife.  He is now remarried with a total of three sons.  He has shared custody of his first son and they have managed to create a good family life for the child on all sides.

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation.  The little I've heard about such things suggests you should jurisdiction shop and file first in the place best for you.  I don't know if that is California, France, or otherwise.  I've heard secondhand from friends that in the US even if you win custody rights that if the mother declines to let you see the child that the authorities are reluctant to prosecute the mom.  I say this because I'm not sure even jurisdiction shopping may help, but it cant hurt.

This is going to be a difficult time.  I think you need a lawyer, good luck.

Good luck, move to California. This is a 50-50 custody state. Do not allow her to take child from you. I wanted to be a single mom, too, but the dad wanted to be involved and having him be fully joint custody and have her live with him 50% of the time (we are in the same city) has been the best thing I have ever done for her. I am now remarried with a man I helped gain full 50% for his child, and she is blossoming to have her dad. KIDS NEED THEIR DADS. Email me offline if you need leads/help, in California it is the child's right to have both parents, if they want it. Don't give up, for your kid's sake!

Dear Dad-to-be,

You definitely have rights as a father if your child is born in California; I am not a lawyer and so can't give details on what those rights are (particularly during pregnancy), but you need to get yourself a lawyer as soon as possible in order to assert your rights. If you miss doing this right away, problems can arise, so please do consult a lawyer. There should be some recommendations on the Berkeley Parents' Network. Good luck!

Dear Modke:  you have a complicated situation. I can recommend a mediator to you. Eva Herzer 510-526-5146.

Best of luck - mediation is much preferable to combative attorneys in court which is prohibitively expensive. 

Please don't think I am not sympathetic when I say consider letting it go, at least for now. Even if you are sure you are biologically the father, you do not actually know the child that she is bearing - that she has decided to bear and care for without you. It should be her call - it's not like she's trying to keep you from a child you have a relationship with. Please don't let hurt or disappointment or possessiveness lead you into thinking you OWN this child - you may have helped conceive it but, sadly but truly, you are not bringing into this world. We are all such legalistic materialists that we tend to treat people we love as property, threatening and conducting lawsuits in order to prove our claims (and of course courts and lawyers promote all sorts of convoluted, expensive arrangements that keep themselves in business). But as a teacher for many years, I have seen many children deeply scarred by contentious, logistically tortuous relationships between separated parents! Of course, many of the parents in those relationships deny having any negative impact and proclaim it's all doable, all good. Distrust them! Hesitate and think hard before you complicate and sour these lives, including your own. And distrust those statistics that say it's better for a child to have two parents - that's just on average, not guaranteed in any particular case and especially not in the more contentious ones. Besides, it's been painfully clear to me that the less harrassed and logistically constrained a single parent is, the more opportunity and spirit he or she has for finding a new partner to help with parenting. Please consider going about building another family of your own if you want one, and perhaps trying to regain your (ex-)wife's friendship in order to have a supportive relationship with the child. Or just work on becoming the best person you can be and see what happens. You could save so much hurt and bitterness by avoiding contention. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but please think about it seriously, for your sake and theirs. 

Your child needs you. So many women think that they own the baby because it came out of her body. That's not true and the courts 100% don't agree with this position. Unless you're going to be an abusive parent, there is no reason to abandon your child. And that's how it will be perceived if you don't fight now. Kids need two parents and never really get over a biological parent abandoning them. Get a lawyer asap. Beg, borrow or steal to pay for it, you'll regret not just spending the money now when it costs twice as much to fix things later.

It takes both an egg and a sperm to create a baby. Just because the woman carries the baby doesn't mean that she has any right to cut the child's father out of the child's life. There would be no baby without him. You will be doing your child a favor by fighting for the relationship.

Good luck