Husband a survivor of childhood abuse

Hi fellow mom, this IS a rough spot, and I send you my love and big pats on the back for opening your heart to us here on BPN. I grew up around violence and share your abhorrence for it, and have had the good fortune to find ways to recover from childhood PTSD and live a happier, more gentle and fulfilled life. There is a lot of research and awareness out there, though it seems to be aimed more at prevention than healing after the fact (and both are important!). I share what I found helpful at a blog called CrappyChildhoodFairy.com. See also AcesConnection.com, where lots of experts and survivors share articles, research and original writing. Good luck! We're with you!

Hey, hey there. I'm also a survivor of domestic abuse and I think the first thing for you to do is to get therapy yourself so you can get clarity on these issues and be able to think about them without worrying that you're acting out of being triggered. That's the first step. You can ask him to go into therapy, but you can't force him. If asking him won't be enough to make him go, then you just go to therapy yourself.

I don't think you are overreacting, but I also think these few examples are not enough to give you full feedback. I have grabbed my kid's arm harshly, so it's hard for me to know if you're -- you know, who can figure out what's right in someone else's house? I am not blaming you. I am not saying you are the problem, or a problem. I just read the pain in your description and how your own past is making you second-guess myself. If his behavior puts you in the position of nearly falling into PTSD and getting into a panic about it, then you need to care for yourself and have your own therapy so that you can separate your panic from the situation at hand. I wish you well. 

I dont think you or your kids are in danger either, and to me it sounds like your husband is doing very well. I think MANY dads from non abusive backgrounds would have reacted in a physical way to the scary situ that you describe. Rather than focus on his issues and what he might do to improve, I am going to suggest that YOU work on YOUR issues and learn to calm down and react less when something like this happens, if in fact it's as rare as you describe. I don't believe in violence either and I never spank - but as you know, millions of parents spank their kids and are not considered abusive. I think you are overreacting and this is almost as bad, in it's own way, as violence from your husband. It's not modeling calm, control and peacefulness to your children. It's modeling anxiety and fear. There have to be better ways for you to behave and manage your own PTSD. Or in your own way, you are actually likely to set your kids up for unhealthy ways of coping with anger and fear in relationships later. I do not agree at all that much benefit will come from your husband working on these issues on his own - the situ you describe is one in which you both have a dangerous role.

This sounds like me about 4 years ago when my child was 1.5 years old. I never hit my child but I did grab her before. I grew up in an physically and emotional abusive household. My father yelled and hit. I don't think that you're overreacting. I'm sure your 14 year old must have been freaked out and felt unsafe that his father grabbed him by the neck. I would want my children to feel safe around me. The best thing for me was seeing a therapist. The therapist helped me understand the triggers that lead to anger and getting physical. I am not as quick to anger (most days) and I have gained techniques to dissipate the anger. I will remove myself from the situation and try to calm down. Sometimes, I still yell. But I never hit or get physical. What also helps is to have my spouse and child tell me that I'm being a jerk and yelling and that I need to calm down. It does work and helps me realize that I need to step away from the situation. After yelling, I do apologize and we talk about what happened. It's a work in progress but I think i'm not as quick to anger now versus 4 years ago. I think it's a good starting point that your husband has awareness of his background and is able to communicate his history. 

I am also a survivor of abuse by my mother.  From the sounds of all this, all of you need to get into therapy fast.  I would recommend BACA in Oakland.  They can work on both family, individual issues.  It would be good not to yell at your husband in front of the children, but to firmly ask him to step away from the child and both of you calmly go to another room and talk out the problem.  You both need to be on the same page for discipline of your children.  Make rules that both of you can agree on.  If your son is not listening to either you or your husband, then sometimes you may need to do something completely out of context to get his attention.  Sometimes it's a look, sometimes a raised voice, sometimes holding an arm firmly, but not hurting the person.  Spanking a child is a personal decision.  Did I spank my child, yes, only when extremely necessary through her clothes with my bare hand.  I never used anything other than my hand and I never pulled down her pants to spank bare flesh.  I also only ever gave a total of 3 spanks period.  Just to get her attention that I was very serious and she needed to pay attention.  She was never hit hard.  No one other than myself was allowed to give her a spanking because I knew how to control my strength in the spanking and did not trust anyone else.  I grew up being hit with things, like a belt, hairbrush etc.  There should never be a slapping of the face.   Do you trust that your husband will not harm your child, because it does not sound like it.  You both need to trust each other has the best interests of the children.  

Hi there: 

   You sound like a very wise and brave person.  You are not over reacting, violence should never be condoned.  You are right, he needs his own therapy, and victims of child abuse deserve sympathy, but in this case you are right to put your child first. But the motivation to receive therapy must come from his own, otherwise it might not be effective.  I think it needs to be communicated calmly and lovingly but firmly that you feel he needs to work on this issue(leaving the selection of therapist and search for therapist to himself without pushing that on him), otherwise you might need to put some distance between your children and him(for the children's sake). If he is loving and rational enough, he will see this is important to you and make the effort.   but if he reacts badly or if you are afraid to even bring this up to him, that would not be good sign. then you might need to consider back up plans for your children and yourself.   I personally have seen many people take out the frustration of their own pain or their own inability to deal with their past out on the children by yelling, hitting children, and I feel so much for those children, because I myself know what it is like and still remember vividly how helpless I was when I had that kind of fear-based upbringing. and for me, it was not even that bad(not much violence but a lot of emotional controlling) comparing to the stories I heard from other people, but the emotional sadness is always there when you feel scared and don't quite understand why you are treated with such anger and it really gives you a sense of worthlessness.  I have really done a lot of work to recover and help myself, and have become relatively confident.  but I think you never ever get rid of that sadness because you don't feel loved enough when you were a child and you never built a foundation of security which so much adulthood is based on(even if it is just that the parents didn't know how to express it, even if there was no violence). In turn, that lack of security will affect the ability to love others including their own children.   children are so helpless, they should not be born into this world to be bullied. 

I don't have a good therapist recommendation, I think there are many out there. but this must come from him, not you. that is my 2-cents.

My heart goes out to you for being a loving and brave mom trying to work through this. I hope you and your children will feel safe. 

I didn't see any other responses but I won't be surprised if others recommend therapy, as I will. When one grows up missing adequate parent support, being a good partner and a good parent can be even more stressful than it is anyway. Psychotherapy can help as a way to support the day to day and also as a way to deal with earlier trauma. EMDR therapy is very powerful in working through trauma, as are somatic and psychodynamic therapy. Berkeley has so many good therapists who do excellent work, it is really worth while to consult with someone and get some support. 

We all go back to ancient patterns when we are stressed or angry, if we experienced a difficult childhood those patterns will be alive inside of us. Finding new patterns is a process, it can take time and effort but it is really worth it. 

I was raised in an abusive environment. For years, I did not spank my children or yell or anything. However, I have made mistakes. Yes, your husband would benefit from individual therapy. However, you cannot bank on any particular form of therapy being “the right type of therapy.” What he needs is a good therapist period. Don’t count on “Yelp” reviews because they are sometimes false. I have found great therapists for me and my children through Berkeley Parents Network. I simply used specific keywords. Also, finding the right therapist takes time. Not all therapists are good therapists, and even if a therapist is a good therapist, that therapist might not be the right therapist for you or your husband in this case.

Additionally, family therapy might not be a bad idea. Furthermore, are you seeing a therapist? PTSD may lessen in severity, but it never goes away.

My siblings and I were able to put our past in the past. Regarding my mistakes with my children, I apologize when I am wrong.  A sincere apology goes a long way.

Finally, it sounds like your family as a whole has experienced some trauma. Also, is there a reason that your son acted out at that moment that needs to be addressed? I knew for a very long time that my son marched to the beat of a different drummer. He was very shy and anxious. It took me ten years and several therapists and lots of research on my part to learn that he has a learning disability. Even good therapists make mistakes.

Although your husband’s issues are easily identifiable, there might be more to the situation as a whole than anyone is truly aware. Sometimes in families a single person becomes a scapegoat or the identified patient when the issues may actually encompass broader family dynamics.

We should NEVER lay hands on anyone, and yes, what happened must be addressed, but from as many perspectives as possible. You are a family. This is a family issue. I think that both you and your husband might benefit from individual therapy of any kind, but please also consider “family” therapy so that everyone has a voice and everyone has an opportunity to learn and heal. That is something your husband didn’t have as a child. Give him the opportunity to give his children what he didn’t have. Also, if you can see it, he needs your support just as much as your children do. He doesn’t sound like a bad person or a bad father. He made some big mistakes that need to be addressed.

Talk to your kids and your husband. Maybe talk as a family. Therapists don’t fix our problems. We fix our own problems, and sometimes a little guidance from an outside party like a helps us see things that we cannot see ourselves because we are too close to the situation. And, it isn’t always easy to look inward to see what roles we ourselves play in family dynamics.

Finally, research ANY therapist that you find. Look for citations against them. Read reviews carefully. If all the reviews are identical, they might now be accurate. A bad therapist in good therapist clothing can do great harm. Therapists are human and flawed. They are simply there to provide tools and be a sounding board. You MUST do the work.

I apologize if this was not helpful. There are also support groups out there, online and otherwise.

Your family should sit down and talk together, and work these things out. If you need help, take as much time as you need to find the right help.

Peace 

Hello in a rough spot,

You are not alone!!! Many many people struggle with the ghosts of PTSD and abuse past.

If you or your husband are cognitively inclined, you may benefit from working with the book Parenting from the Inside Out. It goes into how childhood experiences can influence the way we parent and includes exercises for parents to apply the information to themselves. I think that doing your own healing work is the best gift you can give to your children, as it is great modeling and will influence you in ways you're not even aware of. It may also help your children to see it as you will be able to show them how both of your reactions have been influenced by past experiences, and they don't have anything to do with him.

I would loosen up on the commitment extracting from your husband. He will not be able to give this to you, and if he does, he may not be able to hold himself to it. These types of reactions are not voluntary - when our bodies go into fight or flight they take over and he will react in the way he best knows how. You need to see him in a positive light, reacting to a threat as best he knows how - now - or else risk entrenching both of you in shame and blame.

Not that you can't set boundaries, and maybe you should. Only you know. But any that you set have to have teeth, or, are you willing to leave and take the kids? 

However that doesn't mean it has to be like this forever. The good news is you both can retrain your systems to respond differently, to go less easily to that place of survival instinct reaction. If you find a therapist, look for one trained in sensorimotor psychotherapy or somatic experiencing. These are both methods that work with the body's reactions in this way. 

I would like to add - earlier I encouraged you to loosen up on the commitment aspect. I wonder if instead you could both agree that it is unacceptable. When you are both calm and in a space to listen to each other, can you get to a place where the narrative is more like you both want things to be different and are there to support each other in getting there? As much as possible position yourself as a team. I don't mean to minimize the seriousness of your concern only to say that positioning yourself as someone to be answered to and him as doing the bad thing is likely to entrench old patterns further.

I echo many of the supportive sentiments that have been expressed here.  I would just like to suggest that for PTSD you (both) might consider EMDR. The DoD is using it for soldiers who suffer from PTSD.  I had it owing to the scary circumstances of my first child's birth.  So in preparation for our 2nd child's birth, I did EMDR- just a few sessions, not much talking and NO analysis.  Just did the program, and in a few sessions all the fear and anxiety went away.  First child was born emergency C-section.  During my wife's labor, he was experiencing "decels"- fetal cardiac stress from contractions.  Our child would later have some very scary complications, seizures, bad MRI (Pro Tip: avoid brain MRI if you can!), that resulted in scary, scary diagnoses- would our child walk? talk?  Fast forward 5 years after years of OT, PT, vision therapy he's a perfectly normal kindergartener.  So when our 2nd child was born, he too had "decals" in the middle of the night during my wife's labor, and I'm sure I would've completely flipped out had it not been for the EMDR I did.  I saw Gena McCarthy, RN, MFT.  I think it's worth a try:  http://www.midwiferyworks.com/faq-items/gena-mccarthy-rn-mft/ Good luck!

PS- FWIW, when your husband feels that anger welling up, he just needs to step away for 30s. And he'll be back in control of himself. He just needs a brief time-out for himself.  I *know* exactly what he's feeling.