How to talk to my 10yo daughter about sexuality??

American Girl books - The Body Book for older girls & younger girls.

I do research on families and digital media and this is honestly not so uncommon at age 10 despite what others might say! On my work blog we recently had a research-based list of tips for how to talk to kids about pornography that might be helpful - it's a bit academic but hopefully useful!

http://blogs.lse.ac.uk/parenting4digitalfuture/2017/08/09/talking-to-ch…

I'd ask about what she saw & explain you're curious cuz you imagine she might have found what she saw scary, confusing or even exciting. Tell her it's perfectly normal to be curious about sex and that what she has seen is not real sex- rather those people are actors, just like actors on tv & people who really care about each other don't have sex in that way. (Given her age, I wouldn't concern myself with being perfectly correct). Your intent is to not shame her, encourage her to ask you instead of looking online & let her know that sex between loving ppl is nice & not scary.

Here is a second vote for the American Girl Body books.  There are several in the series and I think there may be a workbook/journal also for girls to record their reflections and thoughts.   My daughter loved these books and really pored over them.  I looked pretty carefully and they seemed full of common sense and generally healthy attitudes.  It has been a while for us, so I can't remember exactly if there were some areas I thought needed supplementation or nuancing, but obviously you can do that in conversations with your kid.

Get the book "It's Perfectly Normal." The illustrations are wonderful, interesting and cartoony enough to entertain but real and relevant to the subjects illustrated to be on the mark. Frank information told in a sensitive way. I read parts of it with my son, then let him have the whole thing when I thought he was old enough to take in the information without getting overwhelmed. It takes on sexuality in a way that will help her feel that her questions and the answers to them are "Perfectly Normal."

Kids get exposed in all sorts of different ways these days.  My son was exposed around the same age at a family friend's house during a New Year's Eve party.  An older boy streamed it online in the play room with a group of younger kids gathered around thinking they were going to learn about a hack for one of their favorite games.  (Why the parents didn't have appropriate filters in place is a topic for another post.)  My husband walked into the room, quickly figured out what was going on, and quietly shut it down and dispersed the kids back into rooms with adults present.

The next day, I casually asked my son how he enjoyed the party, etc., working up to what was going on in the play room.  Fortunately, he didn't understand what he saw, he was confused, and only took away that it was "bad".  Perfect springboard to a conversation that has continued to build in depth over the years, not only about porn, but more importantly about relationships and sexual health in general.

I'm a big fan of the Harris and Emberley books.  The one geared for your daughter is "It's Perfectly Normal", but mine (I have a boy and a girls both in their late teens) weren't quite ready for that at 10.  They were more comfortable with "It's so Amazing" for a while longer.  The first book in the series in "It's Not the Stork".  Each time I introduced one of the books, I showed them the cover (one on one, never together), we went through the table of contents, I asked if there was any section they wanted to go over together, if so we did.  If not, we just put the book on the shelf.  The went back to the books again and again over the years, sometimes bringing it to me with questions or comments.  Whenever it came up, I made the time to talk with them, letting them lead the discussion and being careful to give "just enough" information.  Pretty much every time we talked, we acknowledged how uncomfortable we were talking about it, but that was ok.

I also second "The Body Book for Girls".

My son has been in a very committed relationship for well over a year.  While I often feel they are way too young for this, I have to say, I'm very proud of how maturely he and his girlfriend are navigating all facets of a relationship based on genuine respect for each other.  My daughter, on the other hand, has no interest in intimate relationships.  I'm very proud of her for knowing herself and having the confidence to resist peer pressure in this regard.  All in good time, each at their own pace.

Good luck, have confidence, it's never too late to begin what I hope will be a lifelong conversation for you and your daughter.

Also, The Care and Keeping of You by American Girl. Have you mentioned it to her pediatrician? They should have resources. 

" It's Perfectly Normal-Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health" by Robie Harris and Michael Emberley.  A great book! It also includes how to safely use the internet. 

I recently attended a workshop given by Nicole Maderas from BACHE (www.bacheinfo.org) on how to talk with our kids about sexuality, and puberty (and porn, so much more), including ways to start conversations and answer the questions we most dread they will ask. The tools she gave were so useful and reminded me that it is SO important to jump in and start having these conversations with my kids. Email her! She is available to give workshops to your school or community group to help you start talking to your kids about sex/sexuality: nicole [at] bacheinfo.org (nicole[at]bacheinfo[dot]org)

I am putting in another recommendation for "It's Perfectly Normal." I would also check out Anya Manes (http://talkingaboutsex.com/), a local educator and parent coach. I've taken a workshop with her and an 8-week online course and found them to be very informative and helpful. She will even do a free 30-minute consultation. She has a ton of resources about porn and how to handle early exposure.

Good luck!

Kate