How to separate from an angry spouse
As the title says, I could use some advice on separating from a spouse with a serious anger management problem. While our marriage has been on a downward slide for a while, it's gotten really bad recently, and our fighting is upsetting our daughter (age 7). Please believe me when I say that I've tried to get him to go to counseling, tried making it work for her sake and tried to discuss our issues with him, all to no avail. I am not blameless here, but I am so unhappy and I can tell he is too.
I know there's no way to avoid this being a painful process, but I'd like to know how to best go about it for her sake if nothing else. This is not one of those situations where after the initial shock wears off, we'll be able to tell our kid about it together in a calm fashion at a later date; in fact I may need to be ready to get out of the house when I tell him. But when I look at everything that I need to figure out, even in the short term, I just panic and put it off (e.g. his reaction, who gets to stay in our flat, temporary housing, long term housing in the SF rental market, can we switch schools, can we move out of SF if needed, etc.). I have no family in the Bay Area, so moving in with my family is not an option.
I have made sure I have some cash sitting for things like a rent deposit and a car, and I also have a few leads on attorneys to speak with. I'd love to hear from others on how they got through the initial separation from a volatile spouse. Did it turn physical (there's been no DV here but I fear there's a first time for everything)? Is there anything you'd do differently? Did it take very long for you to find a place to stay with room for your kid? Are there support networks that have helped outside of your own friends? All input would be very much appreciated. I've put this off for much too long and know that this move will be painful, but necessary.
Parent Replies
As alone and overwhelmed as you may feel, you are moving in the right direction.
Here is a good place to start: https://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/index.html. They have a link on making a safety plan, and a hotline that is supposed to connect you to local resources, plus other useful information.
Assuming you are in Alameda County, I found these links:
http://icwclaw.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Alameda-County-Family-Violence-Resources.pdf
https://www.domesticshelters.org/ca/oakland/94612/alameda-county-family-justice-center.
And for Contra Costa: http://www.contracostazt.org/resources/.
I would strongly recommend you guard your privacy very carefully, since your husband is volatile and unpredictable. That also includes your electronic footprint. Find some safe places (friends?) where you can stash resources (keys to safety deposit boxes and a new mailbox, a pre-paid phone, a pre-paid credit card, emergency clothing, etc.). Find a way to make your credit record inaccessible to anyone but you. Your cash stash should be where your husband can't find out about it (perhaps a new bank?) and think about how you'll receive the statement. Change safety questions. Delete your cell phone call and text history; change passwords, change settings so it shuts off right after use; if you use social media, look at ways to shore up your privacy. Consider switching to a different browser and using a different search engine than the one you usually use. On the computer, delete your browsing history, cookies, automatic passwords, etc.
And make contact (apart from your husband's knowledge) with friends and family--you need emotional support as well.
I feel for you and wish you and your family well.
This is hard. Everyone's story will be different. It is 4+ years since I was in your shoes, and my experience is "it gets better." For what it's worth:
- I started therapy to get help deciding - scary, but I couldn't bear any more years of limbo. It took me only 2-3 sessions to be sure - I think I just needed "permission". But the good thing was then I had support for the hard work that came after.
- With my therapist's support, I started breaking the ice on the topic, with the kids and with my spouse (separately). My spouse was very upset and blames me for "ruining his life" but was not violent. My natural inclination was not to share what I was planning, but it ended up being hard but good to foreshadow it and not spring it on him/them. Your situation may differ.
- I went to a Divorce Options workshop, which was very helpful for identifying the different paths (pros/cons). http://www.collaborativepracticeeastbay.com/explore-other-divorce-optio…
- I convinced my spouse to go the mediation route, since it was cheaper (and I had hopes it would improve the chances of us having a decent relationship after - hard to know if it helped much on that front in our case)
- To try to save cost on mediation we had a few sessions of couples counseling (but I made it very clear patching it up was not an option - it was supposed to be neutral ground to work on mediation topics). It didn't really work out that way, but it was helpful to me to have someone else call him on his anger, to name the impact it had. If you're worried about telling him, maybe consider doing it in this context just for moral support?
- The mediator convinced us to stay put (not move) until we had a few sessions to understand budget, etc. In the end the mediator helped us craft an option for the house we owned that neither of us knew was possible, and which lent stability to our kids lives. Those 4 months of living together while we all knew we were divorcing were horrible, but they did end. Again, having my therapist for support (including a reality check on when to call the police) helped a lot. The mediation was very hostile and the mediator almost quit working with us because my spouse was so awful.
- When we finally moved out it was probably the happiest day of my life - I could finally start to build a peaceful life.
- Even now our contact (relating to the kids - otherwise we'd have none) is hostile sometimes, slightly unpleasant more often, but on rare moments actually collaborative. I go to school events and for the sake of my kids say hi or sit by him and he doesn't even acknowledge that I am there. It's hard to take the high road, but we have our own life now, and that makes everything worth it. I can't believe how many years I put up with an emotionally abusive relationship. It was when I started seeing its harm on my kids that I realized I had to act. It was very difficult to do, and I felt a lot of shame, but my only regret now is not doing it earlier.
- I had a really hard time telling people, but one of the first friends I told said "let your friends support you", and so I made a list of those friends and kept it posted on my wall at work and it encouraged me to not feel alone. Anger can be toxic. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
I have a friend that just got out from this same situation, husband was verbally abusive and really mean, the best you can do is have everything ready to move including court day for temporary custody. write what you want in your child custody, days you want to have them, what holidays you want, who picks up from school, so all that is in court because the way you describe him he will use all that to bother you and if you have all that on paper signed by a judge you can take him to family court and the judge will bring him to reality very fast. I would start renting an apartment at the same time that I ask for the court day and supoened him the day you move. Write a nice letter for him explaining why you are doing everything this way. Sending you strengths