How do I move on?

I want you to know I recognize from my own experience just how hard it is to move on. When I look back on my own life, I too did not want to be unfair. But in being so focused on not be unfair, I was really unfair to myself. Get professional support, and get a good lawyer for yourself to help you sort out the complicated economics. I did not get a lawyer. I regret that several years later. Your choices now will make a big difference in the years to come even though that might be hard to see now. Make sure to be fair to yourself, not just to your children's father.

What a challenging situation! While my situation wasn't entirely like yours, there are several aspects that did ring true which I want to offer my perspective. My first piece of advice is to stop trying to be fair to your children's father. While it would be lovely if you two could separate harmoniously and happily co-parent together, your description of your circumstances makes it unlikely that will be the outcome. It's more likely that things will escalate and become contentious. Rather than try and be fair, put your energy into protecting yourself as much as possible. Like you, I was DONE with my relationship. My ex did not feel the same and wanted to continue to live in the same house. The transition was awful and I felt like emotionally I was ready to move forward, but my life was stagnant due to my ex refusing to leave. I tried therapy with him and tried to help him, but he refused to accept that one of us needed to find a new place to live. It ended with him being violent for the first time. It took a restraining order to get him out of the house. He has so much anger towards me, even now that he is well established in a new relationship that provides him financial and housing security (and he was never charged with DV due to lack of evidence). Throughout it all, I tried to be kind to him. I gave him money to get re-established and I went out of my way to ensure he had access to his children, but he was angry that I ended the relationship. All the kindness in the world couldn't stop the hurt he felt which manifested into anger and revenge. Even years later, he goes out of his way to upset me and create conflict. While that may not be your outcome, I repeat my advice to protect yourself first. If you can help him after you are established and ok, then great. But, fairness won't get you far if things get ugly. Trust your instincts and prioritize protecting yourself and your kids. Good luck!

I separated from my husband and father of my son 6 years ago, for way bigger reasons than yours, and it is INCREDIBLY hard on everyone - even though we live near each other, are friendly, socialize sometimes and are mutually supportive. It is financially brutal on both of us. As my son gets older, he's ever more saddened by the situation as his awareness grows. We have an okay daily life, but behind the scenes there's a ton of pain.

In short, you do not IMO owe it to your kids to leave their father - you owe it to them AND to you and your partner to get to therapy immediately and do everything to save this marriage! Your life will *not* be better without him. I know many divorced people and they will agree - it will be different, some pain will evaporate - but you'll have new pains and challenges. It will NOT be better, just different. And your children will suffer way more than they are now, for life.

To me, you sound depressed. This is understandable, but see a therapist and figure this out on your own! Then get a marriage counselor and hear what your husband has to say! Sleeping apart is a symptom that can be cured. And it sure does not help daily affection and peace to be living like this. 

Don't look back with regret - act right now and give it 200% effort to solve this situation, starting with yourself - what can you do to improve things before tearing apart a family?

Older and Wiser

How to move on? Go to a lawyer, it is actually pretty easy to move on once the finances get straightened out by a professional. I have been happily divorced for over 10 years. I have 100% legal and physical custody of our daughter although my ex can visit whenever he wants (this worked better for his erratic work schedule and gives more stability for our daughter to just live in one place). You will probably feel a mix of relief and sadness for about a year, then the "new normal" will be better. Good Luck!

If I were in your shoes, the first thing I would do is consult with a leader at my church (I attend a non-denominational Christian church). This a spiritually and emotionally delicate situation for you and everyone else involved. While finances are a crucial thing to manage during a time like this, it's important to keep 'self' intact and ensure a peaceable 'exit'. The church could also connect you with members in the church who have dealt with similar situations or a support group, not to mention an attorney who could assist in the legal/financial area.

Have you tried marital counseling? If he is not interested in attending I suggest you attend for yourself so you can get professional guidance and support through this difficult time. 

You have gotten a lot of good responses but I would like to emphasize that you should NOT listen to anyone who tells you definitely that your life will be better or worse with a divorce, as one responder has done.  People who judge your situation in this way are projecting their own emotions and have their own agendas.  Yes there are trade-offs and everything in life is not rosy or peachy in any circumstance but you sound like a thoughtful, competent person who I trust to make the best decisions you can with the information you have at the time.  While I left my seemingly "ideal" life and initiated what turned into a high-conflict divorce due to my ex's anger, my life, even with its tradeoffs, is better now.  And though I live with guilt over what I did to my children and sadness at times as my ex is getting married this month and I know that's impacting them, they are both doing well, with good grades, friends, and an easy flow between both of our houses.  

Hang in there.   I'm glad you reached out here.  I know exactly ZERO people IRL locally who have gone through a divorce and navigated it solely on my own.  That's unnecessarily isolating.  Xoxo.

My marriage ended when my daughter was 5 years old and that was 20 years ago.  At the time we had been working hard to stay together since she was 2 years old.  

The other posters are right; do what you can to set yourself up financially, housing-wise, and custody-wise.  In CA, most family court judges give 50/50 custody to both parents.  Get your parents in on it to be in your corner.  It is good that your father is on the title if he is supportive of you.  Go to the free "Lawyers in the Library" to start asking for advice.

You may be surprised at how angry your ex may get if you are entitled to any kind of support (child or spousal).  It depends on the disparity between your incomes if you get 50/50 custody.  Get copies of his credit reports so you can see if there are any "hidden" credit cards that he has maxed out.  Get copies of statements from all financial institutions.  Get copies of all your & his past tax returns.  His debt is half your debt, according to the law.  

Creating financial separation is often the first legal step before or after filing for divorce if he has problems with money.

Hopefully it will be smooth sailing, but don't bury your head in the sand and hope for the best.  At least find out how it all works.

Even though I went through a few years of sadness & self evaluation, it was worth it to not be stuck in a relationship that hadn't been working for several years.  It is great that you are looking forward with optimism!!  

Sounds like you have a tough situation.  A lawyer can answer most of your questions and you'll need to hire one eventually anyway.  Might as well start now.  Best wishes!

This is a community property state. See a lawyer to get your fair share of what you have built together.

Having separated from my husband a year ago, I can definitely relate to your post.  I think everyone else here has given you great advice, but I wanted to chime in with one thing I felt was incredibly helpful as we navigated the actual "separating" of finances, home, custody, etc:

When in any kind of negotiation with your ex-spouse, say yes as often as you feel comfortable.  But if the answer is no, ask to get back to him later.  I frequently found that if I got out of the tense situation and had time to roll the issue around in my brain, I was able to come up with a more nuanced way to get what I wanted without just immediately saying a definitive no.  And if a couple days later the answer was still "no," I would be able to express it more clearly and kindly than in the original moment the issue was raised. 

Ultimately, YOU will get more of what you want because every negotiation won't feel like a land-grab where you just try to prevent the other from getting what they want.  I wanted our separation due to a huge betrayal, and a year later I feel proud of our ability to remain kind, generous and communicative.  Not that we don't still have the occasional irrational screaming fit, but hey, that's a great reminder of why you aren't still with that person!!