Help for 3.5yo with anxiety/aggression/compulsions
Can anyone recommend any professionals or resources of any kind to address the issue of anxiety/aggression/compulsiveness in a 3.5 year old? Open to professionals who work with kids and/or resources for their parents. My child seems to be on the ADHD/sensory processing difference/spirited spectrum, with a lot of nervous, agitated and aggressive energy. She is constantly talking, she's constantly needing interaction or else the anger erupts, very little ability to entertain herself or engage with any activity by herself (and when she does, she needs more and more things for that activity). She is aggressive with the rest of her family, especially her 1.5 yo sibling. Seems to always be angry and agitated, yelling, grr-ing, pushing, hitting, saying mean things to everyone. It's not a once an hour occurrence; it's constant. Additionally, and perhaps the most concerning, is that she twirls her hair so much that it knots up and she pulls it out. She used to be an excessive thumb sucker, until we gave her a pacifier at about 3 yo, and now she constantly needs the pacifier. It's definitely an improvement from the constant simultaneous thumb sucking and hair twirling/pulling, but it's clearly not the solution. It's apparent that she has so much nervous energy pulsing throughout her body that she needs a ton of sensory input to feel even somewhat calm. It seems like the only time she's truly happy is when she's eating ice cream, watching TV, or having a big, distracting sensory experience (swimming, beach play, etc.) We, the parents, are trying to work on ourselves, using calm and positive discipline techniques, but when we have to address unsafe or angry behavior every 10 minutes, we have to resort to applying some STOP IT NOW energy.
She is otherwise healthy and smart. Lives in a well-resourced, two parent and one grandparent home, with lots of outdoor time, healthy whole foods, 30 min of daily screen time. Both working parents but grandparent helps with after school and weekends. No complaints from school, btw. In fact, she seems to be very different there... aside from the pacifier/hair twirling thing.
That's our situation. Any recourses or advice is greatly appreciated.
Parent Replies
I think working with a parenting coach will help tremendously, and I really recommend interviewing some and working with one that you like. My oldest child was exactly as you describe when she was little - major behavior issues at home but she was able to pull it together for school. We were younger parents and just tried our best without any professional support, but by the time she hit her teen years everything caught up to her and she was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, Anxiety, Depression, and started refusing to go to school. Since about age 13 we've been on a never ending road of therapists, programs, medications, hospitalizations, parenting coaches, etc. I'm not saying this to scare you - most likely your child will not have the same struggles, but I do think that out of all the professionals we have worked with over the years, the parenting coaches were the most helpful by teaching us how to set consistent boundaries while also being compassionate, validating her feelings, and showing love often. They also helped validate our feelings of frustration and helplessness parenting a neurodivergent child where nothing comes easy. I WISH we had these skills and support when she was little, I really think it would have helped our family so much.
My daughter grew up with some similar issues. I highly recommend the naturopath route if you have the resources instead of the various antipsychotics, adhd meds, antidepressants that sometimes are prescribed. A good naturopath does more specific lab tests that can sometimes get to the source of the problem. So sorry you are going through this.
My son at 3.5 was similar in so many ways, though with the intensity/frequency dialed down somewhat from what you describe (and even so it was so hard!). I went through a few years of thinking he must just be a very challenging spirited child with sensory sensitivities, stressed by pandemic changes, a new sibling, etc. But he was just diagnosed at 7 with autism (plus anxiety), and figuring that out has brought so much understanding and relief! I used to think he couldn’t be autistic because he was highly verbal, so affectionate, enjoyed pretend play, was so desirous of interaction with parents—but I just didn’t understand what autism means nowadays. I strongly urge you to look into the possibility, as I’m sure others will too (BPN parents saying “that sounds like my child!” helped me figure it out).
Some books that were helpful for us: What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic, Beyond Rain Man, and Neurotribes (which shows you how much understanding of autism has changed recently, and how limited/mistaken some earlier ideas were). I would say the first one (What I Mean…) has the most “news you can use,” even though it is focused on an adult’s experience. Resources on the PDA profile of autism might be worth looking at too to see if they resonate (I say that not so much directly from your description as because your daughter sounds like my son and the PDA lens has been really helpful for us):
PDA: Not what you think it is!
Autism PDA Explained
You sound like such awesome, dedicated parents. Hugs and kudos and everything else! I know the stress and difficulty can be overwhelming. But it seems likely to me that your daughter, because of unusual sensitivities, is being chronically stressed by her environment in ways that can be relieved once they are understood. In which case things can get so much better!
Hi Blake. You might start with your pediatrician. It sounds like your daughter and your family are dealing with a lot, and your pediatrician can likely refer you to the right person to give your child a thorough evaluation and recommendations for treament / support.