Help - 21 yr old son miserable at college
My heart is aching- my 21 yr old son is having a crisis of self. He is in college but hates it and is not challenged. He was diagnosed as "twice exceptional" by the specialists as he is over the top smart and creative and intellectually curious but yet he is incredibly challenged with ADHD, dyslexia, and slow processing.
His father and I divorced when he was young (age 4) and due to his father's alcoholism, he was not able to be a steady presence for many many years. His father is now sober and wants to be involved but my son wants nothing to do with him. He is angry that his father abandoned us (I have a daughter too.)
My son is full of rage yet denies he is angry. He is funny and quirky and sensitive. He is questioning everything in life now- why am I here- why was I born- what is my purpose here. He does not follow the path that most people follow I.e. School, job, marriage, children etc and cannot believe people actually do things Just because it is what we are supposed to do next.
He is most likely going to stop college after his jr year -I am ok w it as he is miserable and I don't want to keep throwing my money away if he is not going to graduate-
my question.... does anyone know of any resources I can use to help him or me or both of us get through this challenging time?
He is truly an outside the box thinker which is hard for me as I pretty much did the status quo and was ok with it.
i think he would be open to therapy but it has to be the right person- a young ish man who really gets young men-
please be gentle in your responses-
and thank you
Parent Replies
aw man. it sounds like he just wasn't at the right college! maybe someplace like evergreen would be a better experience for him? it's very nontraditional.
Or maybe he could do a year with a volunteer organization, like Americorps or Habitat for Humanity. It sounds like he has good reason to be angry and upset -- but that it's also time to grow up and out of that adolescent navel-gazing. (It is totally normal! I was the same way.) Sometimes working on behalf of others who have it much worse can give some perspective. I know a lot of kids who have had their horizons expanded thru organizations like these.
It also sounds like Al-Anon could be of great use, for both or either of you. As Dad gets sober it can help to unhook from those ancient feelings of pain. believe me I know how it feels. And I know 12-step programs can seem corny and cliche. But the destruction caused by alcoholism is just so ... it's such a specific pattern, you can't believe how typical you are and how specific the steps are to get PAST that pain. Give it a shot yourself if he won't go.
Hi There,
good for you for reaching out for help. I, too, have an alcoholic husband and one of my children refuses to have any contact with him. I have found Alanon to be very helpful. It is structured around the Serenity Prayer: "God(s), grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
In my experience, there is little one can do but suggest therapy/Alanon and let the struggling person know there is help out there and that you love them.
Good luck,
Been There
Thank you for sharing your post, and although I don’t have ‘answers’, I wanted to send you a message of support. I have an 18 year old son who is struggling with similar challenges and issues, and know how painful this can be. With our son, we are trying to take a ‘first things first’ approach, reflecting back to him that we see he is having a really hard time, and strongly encouraging him to prioritize attending to his mental health needs, even if that means postponing or letting go of some other things right now. As you mentioned, this also means learning to let go of our own expectations for how we thought things would go for him (an ongoing, difficult process!) – and letting him know we love and support him in finding his way through whatever he needs to face. My son has found therapy helpful (though not a quick fix), as well as recently starting on medication for some underlying conditions and looking to get involved in a group-based outpatient program to provide him with a sense of community and peer support. These programs are few and far between, but there are some in the Bay Area. Some focus on mental health, some on substance use (not sure if this is a concern for your son – you didn’t say), and some on both. We have also come to believe that maintaining a sense of structure, self care, and normalcy is also important (going to school or work, keeping up with family responsibilities and connections, eating well, etc), even when that isn’t easy.
In my better moments, I try to see my role as creating a safe container of hope – and being a role model for self care in difficult times. It has been helpful to talk with other parents about this and to find outlets for my own feelings, such as writing, meditating, etc. Best of luck. I don’t know if there’s a way to connect 1-on-1 through BPN, but if so, I’d be happy to talk offline.
Hello! I have a 15-year-old daughter who sounds like just like your son...brilliant, creative, slow processing, frustrated and angry by the mundane and routine rigidity of school structures. We have recently been working with a phenomenal Education Therapist named Amy Cheifetz who is a miracle worker. She really understands how to have these young people thrive by helping them design a life based on their gifts and strengths. I highly recommend her; she specializes in both teens and young adults. Her contact info is (510) 207-2995. She has been a miracle worker in our lives.
I also highly recommend the Landmark Forum seminar (http://www.landmarkworldwide.com/the-landmark-forum). It's a 3 and half day seminar course that will free up your son from his anger as well as the negative perceptions of himself and his abilities that have been piling up over the years. It's been amazing for my daughter's anger to get resolved and she's actually doing the Teen Forum again in February. Can't recommend it enough!
Finally, you might look into Gap Year programs. Amy told us about them and I'm sure my daughter will either do an art college or a gap year program or both. Here are some examples: https://www.google.com/#q=gap+year+programs. Taking a year to explore and mature emotionally after high school is needed for most twice-exceptional kids. I know your son is 21, but it might be possible for him to take a year off from college, do a gap year program and settle into himself, and then return or go to a different school.
Thanks for being a great mom, you're not alone and good luck!