Handling Race At Private Liberal Elementary School
Last year my then 3rd grader got into an argument with his friend at recess and said to him "Black Lives don't matter" which upset his friend. As a consequence, my son received an "in school suspension" where he wrote an essay and did some drawings around the subject. At one point, I was told by a teacher that he was asked what does "Blue Lives matter" mean, to which he responded that we should care about "sad people" too. When he returned to his class the the next day, the kids confronted him about what he said. He left the classroom and hid. The principal/teacher coaxed him to go into the classroom and apologize. He clung to me crying but eventually went into two classrooms, stood at the front of each and took ownership of what he had said.
Last Friday, during the after school program, a group of teenagers tried to climb the fence over the school and threw rocks at the kids in the playground, one of which hit my son in the head. A teacher went out to confront them and was jumped. The kids were very upset, the police were called and my kid was interviewed. On the way home, he told me that he didn't want to tell the black cop that the teenagers were black because he didn't want to sound racist. I'm planning to reach out to the cop and ask him to meet with my son again. The question is dealing with the school around this. This is a Spanish immersion and very sensitive to diversity school so there is broad cultural "awareness." However, if a kid feels that it is "wrong" to tell a black cop that a black teenager threw rocks at people, it wouldn't appear that a lot of deep-diving is going into their teaching around these issues beyond the "celebration" of various cultures. Having said that maybe it's just too big for any school to take on....
Parent Replies
It's hard to answer your question because you don't say what it is you want the school to be doing differently in regards to teaching the kids about race and racial justice.
It seems to me that since your son raised with you (and not the school) his fear of describing the race of the teenagers to the cop, you should just address it directly with your son. Did the police officer ask him to describe the race of the teenagers? If so, can you just explain to him that it's okay to answer that question honestly? If the police officer didn't ask, then you can explain to your son that the officer must not have needed that information, for whatever reason (maybe he had that information from another witness, maybe there was video footage, etc.).
I think you have an important opportunity here to teach your kid that it's okay to feel uncomfortable about race and racism, but that shouldn't stop us from talking about race. Situations like this are where the seeds of white fragility are sown. It sounds like your son is already shutting down as a result of receiving feedback on a problematic statement he made about black lives. Please encourage him to be open to such feedback. That's one of the most important things we white parents can teach our kids.
Hi, I'm so sorry these things happened to both the teacher and your son. It sounds very uncomfortable and traumatic. Can I suggest that it will help tremendously for you as the parent to take responsibility for talking about race with your child on a regular basis? Forgive me if this suggestion is off base or missing the point.
I know you asked how the school should handle it, (and honestly I'm not sure either-but going to the principal can't hurt!) but what's also important is how you handle it. From my limited experience and from what I've read, it's important to discuss race and identity with your child openly and often, especially if you are white. It's a common sentiment, especially among white folks and their children, that talking about skin color and/or racial identity is somehow racist. I don't know what race y'all are or if that applies to you, but regardless, it might help to frame this as a wonderful teaching and learning opportunity for everyone involved.
I am white, and I'm learning every day how to talk about race with my kids and how to make them more aware of and respectful of differences in people. (Not to say you don't already do that! But there's always more to learn for us all)
I recently discovered SURJ (standing up for racial justice)here in the east bay, and there are a couple of blogs that I read as well-
embracerace.org
http://www.embracerace.org/uploads/1/0/3/1/103189290/embraceracetipseng…
http://www.raceconscious.org/
The most important thing I've learned is that is ok to not know all the "right" things to say to your kid about race. It's ok to learn together. Thanks for reading and I wish you luck!
I don't think the principal handled that well at all. As a parent I would have been very upset. I imagine your 8 year old had no idea that what he said during an playground argument with a friend would cause so much uproar. As you stated, his interpretation of " blue lives matter" was quite literal, to him it meant that "we should care about sad people too". To him "black lives don't matter" probably meant "I don't care that you're upset, I'm mad at you!" Kids think in very concrete terms at this age, I don't think most 3rd graders understand the deeper context of the black lives matter movement. Yes, your son needs to understand that his words hurt his friend's feelings but that should have taken place in a private meeting between the children directly involved and a teacher. Instead they chose to humiliate and shame your son by forcing him to apologize in front of all of his peers. Why was this blown out of proportion to such a degree? These are children, not politicians. Clearly not all of the kids in both classes were affected by what your son said. Ugggh. I won't even try to tackle the second part of your question. I'll just say that the P.C police are on high alert in the Bay Area. Everything you say can and will offend someone, somewhere. Your son is now afraid to say anything about race because he might say something that would accidentally offend someone again. I agree that our schools need to be doing more to bring kids TOGETHER, there is a huge focus on celebrating cultural differences. But what about unity?