Grandparent childcare conflicts
Hello BPN, I'm seeking some perspective on what I see as irreconcilable cultural and personality conflicts having to do with my parents taking care of our toddler son. My parents are 'old-school' Asian, by that I mean they are very accustomed to the front & central roles Asian grandparents have in child-rearing, while the parents are presumed to be 'busy working'. My parents have been extremely generous with their time and resources to help save us money on childcare, so they stay with us for weeks at a time (since they live in SoCal otherwise) and take care of our son while both my husband and I work full-time . The problem is that my parents insert themselves at every opportunity to be the caregivers, even when my husband and I are at home. I have tried to communicate to them to give both my husband and myself a chance to parent, to take a step back, etc. But they are unable to 'catch' the whole context of this and change their mindset. I think this is understandable as they are not well-assimilated in Western ways, but it also becomes exhausting that at every step of the way, I have to explain why they should/should not do something and what I'm trying to accomplish as a parent. They are like a tidal wave that we can't keep at bay.
When my son had a bloody nose and I was trying to clean him up, my mom went up to him, started hugging him and said, "Grandma will comfort you, don't worry." I bristled at this because I was busy trying to clean him and had him in my arms. And when I try to write an email on my computer, my parents will tell my toddler, "Mommy doesn't have time for you now. She's too busy." I think I should be able to express to my son what I have time for and what I don't. What I'm trying to convey is that this is ongoing, all the time, every second. If my husband tries to help my son climb stairs, my mom will invariably stand there with my husband, coaching our toddler as well. Even if I have one or 100 conversations with my parents to try and get them to understand my parenting ideas about one-on-one bonding and not having to be present AT EVERY MOMENT for their grandson, they literally can't help themselves. Also, our conversations always end badly, as my parents take offense to what I say and feel hurt. They get very indignant that I am trying to 'prevent' them from caring for their grandson. I like to think that I am sensitive to their feelings so try to frame things in a non-critical, more explanatory way, but it still doesn't work.
I understand that some might conclude that my parents shouldn't take care of our son if we have all these issues. This makes me sad because I do believe in the value of grandparent-grandchild relationships, and I do appreciate what my parents do. And I know my parents LOVE taking care of him. My son is extremely loved, and that is what matters. But managing the emotions of all the adults is exhausting. My husband and I feel we are constantly battling for a piece of our territory. I suspect on my parents side, they think we are being anal and selfish, as they perceive we are nitpicking on their caregiving ways and deliberately close our toddler off to them on weekends. Any thoughts/advice appreciated.
Parent Replies
Ugh.. navigating this stuff with parents is tough. Here's my perspective from being a little farther along.. my kids are 8 and 12. When I look back, I wish I'd been able to step back and let my parents be more involved when my kids were younger. I was so caught up in "being the parent" and doing things my way that I pushed them away. I wish I'd been more generous in sharing my kids with my parents and encouraging that relationship. I can't tell you the peace of mind of being away and knowing that your child is with someone who loves him as much as you do. Good luck!
I think the only way you and your husband will get a chance to parent on the weekends without your parents' involvement (interference) is if you can figure out a way to get them physically out of the house. Can you have them run errands for you? Or have them go to a movie, or send them out to lunch by themselves? or lock them in their room? (Kidding).
Alternatively, maybe you could frame it as "You're off duty between noon and five p.m." (or start with a smaller segment of time) as opposed to trying to get them to buy in to the general philosophy of letting you parent your child when you are home.
My third suggestion is trying to talk to your father separately from your mother. The examples you gave all involved Grandma so I'm wondering if Grandpa might be more amenable to stepping back. Or have your husband talk to your dad.
My last suggestion is that you and your husband should go away for the weekend and cede the field to them. They sound super competitive (especially your mother) and maybe if they feel like they've "won" they will relax a little.
Good luck. Tough situation!!
As someone with kids who have little to no grandparent involvement, I'd say thank you for their help, let them do what they want (as long as they aren't harming the kids) when they are there, and take your primary role when they are not there.
I was going to say something similar to what the other two posters have said. (1) I have perspective as my kids are now 8 and 13. I wish I had stressed about this stuff less. The kids know who their parents are. It is so so so hard when you are in it, but once he's not toddling up stairs and instead is coming to you for specific stuff and grandma for specific stuff, it all starts to shake out. I know that is not a great comfort for right now, but I am sharing as someone who was in a similar situation (except I'm Mexican :)) and now has the perspective of having older kids. (2) Give really clear blocks of times to your folks. "Thank you so much for caring for baby all day while I was working. I would like to have one-on-one time / family time with just the 3 of us after we finish dinner until 7:30pm when I put him to sleep. We are going to go our for a walk, play with him in the family room, etc. I will bring him to you in your bedroom once he is in his pajamas so you can say goodnight."
Good luck. Its hard. But you are right, focusing on how much love your baby is surrounded by makes this tough navigation and negotiation worth it.
I totally understand this and my only recommendation is to have set times where they're "primary caregiver." And outside of those times, you and your husband are primary caregivers. It doesn't hurt anyone's feelings and gives everyone defined roles & responsibilities. I've grown to learn that free childcare isn't really free.
There is a logical fallacy in your thinking. Caretaking does not equal relationship. We can all have wonderful relationships with people that do not involve caretaking.in fact caretaking can sometimes ruin a relationship. Your relationship will be better if you get paid care and let the grandparents visit.
I'm Asian American and can relate, though I keep an arms-length relationship with my mother and wouldn't feel comfortable having her babysit, much less live with us. I think change is hard for older immigrants. You might have better luck managing the amount of time they are in your house to a level that you can tolerate--either shorter visits or finding a way to get them out of the house on the weekends--than changing their behavior. And yes, they might feel like you're ungrateful and selfish, and there's nothing to do about it but maintain firm emotional boundaries and let that be their reaction. Maybe they might be receptive to the idea that you and your husband miss so much of your son's life while you're at work, that you want special time to be with and care for him?
My mother takes care of my toddler son 3 days a week and stays with us for two nights. We have some different views on parenting, and I also do with my husband. I think it would be very rare to have 2 people who completely agree! As such, I have to take her views into consideration and she will be with my son independently quite a bit, so I view her as one of my son's caretakers as well. Fortunately for us, she goes to her home so she is not there all the time. It sounds like for you, your parents are there all the time. So my suggestion would be, if they can't seem to back off when you are around, it seems like the only way would be to distance yourself with your son from them some of the time. Try to get away with your husband and son on weekends, dinners, activities, etc. Alternatively, if you have the means, have them stay somewhere else and come take care of your son during the weekday. Honestly, it's amazing they can be that involved all the time and aren't tired! I would think they would need a break sometimes. I know my mom does.
My husband and I are South Asian, and my parents have helped a lot in my kid's first couple of years of life. Now it's every so often, a night here or there, but I'm lucky that they live in the area. His parents aren't physically capable of caregiving so they come every so often to spend time with the fam and enjoy the kid. I have found that my in-laws stomp boundaries when given the chance, so if they were capable of caregiving, I'm sure we'd have lots of drama in this house, and I'd be mad if my husband weren't backing me up on it. Whether we're Asian or not, we want to parent differently. Your mother is clearly overstepping.
You speak about your husband and yourself having the same feelings about it, but I'm really curious as to your husband's perspective. Does he want his in-laws to stay in your marital home for weeks and months at a time, especially when they interfere with the way he parents and bonds with his son? I think you have to figure out what grandparent/grandchild relationship you want to foster, what parent/child relationship you want to foster, and then go from there. It might mean hiring outside of the family for actual caregiving, and inviting your parents over once every three months to spend a week with you and just be a grandparent. They can enjoy the kid without having to take care of the kid. Good luck, this stuff is hard to navigate.
There is no "should" here. You have a more American viewpoint, theirs is more old-school. You may feel your mother is being overbearing; she may feel you are ungrateful and foolish. I hope you can negotiate an arrangement that reduces these resentments.
At the same time, do try to see how it looks from your parents' POV; this won't necessarily address your own concerns, but may soften your irritation and give you a little leverage in negotiating. Perhaps this is how it was for your mother, and she had little time to spend with her own children, and had to promise herself that her turn would come when she was a grandmother. It's also possible some of this is just your mothers' personality. But this can be a chance for you to ask her questions about what it was like for her as a young mother, and let her "instruct" you with her story.
My guess is at base you are worried that your parents will essentially cut you out of forming a relationship directly with your child. I think the suggestions that you carve out a certain amount of time away from your parents (by going out with the child, or finding a way for your parents to spend time away) are very useful.
But I also think a heart-to-heart talk might lay some groundwork and reduce the constant tension--which is not pleasant for anyone. (Yes, I'm aware that there are high cultural barriers against "heart-to-heart", but if you frame it properly you may have some success.) In their eyes your parents outrank you and have the power in the relationship, and I doubt you can successfully argue this point with them. So perhaps concede it and use it to negotiate a little more autonomy.
Express to your parents your deepest gratitude and appreciation and how lucky you and your child are to have their help and attention. Tell them you need their help so you can become a proper mother, and that means you need some opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them. Let them know you need them to provide you with some opportunity for you to be with your child so he will grow up knowing he can turn to you (as well as to them) and will learn to show you proper respect. Remind them you need a chance to enjoy being a mother, and invite them to share their own experiences. (If they live in hopes of another grandchild, this might be very effective!)
I know that you are aware you are lucky. But it is very hard to be grateful when this person you love and honor both helps and hinders. Perhaps your mother is experiencing the same mix of emotions towards you. So also forgive yourself if sometimes you lose patience and keep striving for harmony.
In looking back on dealing with my own Chinese MIL, I only wish I had been more able to negotiate gently while respecting her cultural beliefs. I too was very limited by my cultural viewpoint. She was as good to me as she knew how to be, and I did my best to be a true daughter-in-law to her. She was a lovely woman and I miss her every day.
Couple of questions –
To repaint the picture, is it possible that they are also of the mindset that they think they are helping YOU out because they don’t think you have the time or are too busy? I don’t know your personal family dynamic, but the bloody nose situation in my case would be my mom thinking she is assisting ME by helping ME clean up my son so I can do something else. With the email on the computer, from her point of view, she sees ME as trying to get something done so she thinks she is being helpful by taking the child away so I can work. It’s like the fight for the restaurant bill at the end of the meal. Each instance is a fight for the bill, aka your son, and she’s trying to win to show what a great provider she is to YOU.
I agree with previous posters to tell your parents when they are off the clock or have them get out of the house. Tell them they get time off on evenings and weekends when you are home. Put a spin on it in how you are doing them a great favor and giving them this great gift of a break/vacation because surely they are tired after watching a toddler for so many hours. Encourage them to explore the Bay Area, take a bus trip up to a casino for the day (my elderly parents love to do this even though they don’t really gamble), etc.
If your parents are still insistent on trying to soothe your child or grab your child out of your arms, take your son and to go a different part of the house immediately while firmly saying you have the situation under control. (The same thing works in a restaurant bill fight where you run from the table with the bill to another part of the restaurant then to the cashier.) Another technique is to redirect their energy elsewhere when you are home. In my situation, my parents have green thumbs so I let them tend a vegetable garden in my backyard. They get the kids to assist during their "on" hours. My mom is also big on bargain shopping so when I tell her grandsons need new pajamas, she's off and running.
The stair climbing situation sounds like it can be chalked up to very excited grandparent behavior. My parents used to do that too. Once the newness wore off, they stopped.
Good luck!