Good friends keep moving away
How do you deal with good friends moving away? I moved to the bay area about 10 years ago for graduate school, married, bought a house, and stayed here. My husband and I generally have a small circle of very good friends who we see often. We attended each others weddings, went to birthday parties and thanksgiving dinners, and watched each other's babies grow into little kids. Now in our mid thirties, we're sad to see the overwhelming majority move away. Some have found job opportunities elsewhere, some just can't afford life in the bay. We just learned another family we are very close to is leaving. I think we only have one friend of ten years left in the area, after watching ten others go. We made new friends through my daughter's preschool and will make more when she and and her brother start elementary school. But it seems like people keep leaving or are seeking to leave. We even considered it, before changing our minds. I can't help but feel sad about it. Anyone else experience this?
Parent Replies
My advice to you is to pounce on the opportunity when you meet one of us natives. We tend to stay forever or leave and come back. For folks not from the Bay, when kids enter the picture, they tend to move back near family (understandable). Also, for those who grew up in nice affordable suburbs, they are unaccustomed to the cost of living here (which we can all agree is absurd). If you seize the opportunity and befriend some natives, you'll always have friends in the Bay!
We were the 'good friends' who moved away (from Austin, Texas to here--- and I'm a 3rd generation Texan, so there was a lot of family we left). I went thru a difficult year once here. Really difficult. We came here NOT to make $$, for we've lost it since it's so expensive living here-- and my husband was newly retired (thus, no more income coming in...only a modest retirement fund and social security--- plus we have a disabled son). We chose to come here to be closer to our spiritual teacher-- someone we'd known for 20 years; someone who'd been wanting us to move for nearly 10 prior to our actually doing it.
Being part of a spiritual group is the only way we managed (and manage) to ultimately stay. Have you considered finding a spiritual community for yourself? Of the wonderful friends we've made in 6 years we've been here, some have moved away (because of the expense and/or to care for their elderly parents in another state) BUT we still have the heart of our chosen path within.
Warmest regards.
Yes! One time we were the ones that had to move and many, many other times it was our friends who moved. We have also experienced that the families who leave our small Montessori school often drop contact with the rest of the group even if we are still living in the same places. In these situations, Facebook has been a good way of maintaining the relationships. I sometimes post nostalgic group pictures and tag friends just to keep the ties fresh plus I can watch their kids grow and hear about their lives. I also made a collage of pictures of distant good friends and family that I framed and put in my office where I can see it so I am reminded to contact them somewhat regularly. My son is 8 now and I find that most of our baby/toddler/preschool friends are scattered and I do grieve the loss. There is something very special about the people who shared the "trenches" with you during those early, crazy, heady days of early parenthood. I also find that the older my kid gets, the harder it is to find families where everybody likes each other. (So often I mesh with the mama but my husband has nothing in common with the dad. Or the parents like each other but the kids don't. With the latter, it gets harder and harder to "make do" as the kids get older and know their needs/wants better.) We are now living in the same neighborhood where I grew up and have "nailed our feet to the ground," making sacrifices to put down permanent roots. I thought this would be the perfect way to maintain the longterm relationships that are so important to me, but it has proved harder than I thought. Moving and being super busy is the reality of life these days. I have to be very proactive, patient, and forgiving to develop the same sort of friendships my parents seemed to make easily when life patterns were slower. I am usually the one checking in with friends, hosting parties, suggesting meet-ups, rescheduling umpteen times, etc. But it is so worth it. Long-distance relationships do have their benefits and we are slowly building a network that looks like it will last. Best of luck to you!
Not to sound like a bummer, a pessimist, or a cynic, but....of course they do! I ask myself almost everyday why I am sticking around here! The cost of living over the course of the last 3-5 years in the East Bay, coupled with the insane traffic and BART congestion as a result of all the newcomers from SF has crushed this area. On the other hand, I suspect you should be on more solid ground once you begin the elementary school trajectory: it is not so easy to relocate once kids reach school age, and so people tend to put up with more. And yes, I feel sad about it as well. My friends are mostly well off, and not at all considering moving away. They are part of the reason I stay. But as the years go by and the cost of living goes up and the community feels less congruent with my values and inclinations, I find those attachments loosening. Hope you make some new friends next year!