Fraternities: pros & cons, how to choose
I'd love to hear from parents whose sons have joined college fraternities. My son will be going to college next year and has heard positive things from friends who started this year, though they've only got a few months experience at this point. I've always had a somewhat negative opinion--immature boys egging each other on to do stupid things and get drunk way too much, with questionable attitudes toward women--though it's based on old experience and little first-hand information. But in principle I can see some advantages, especially for kids who can benefit from having things like structured study time and help from older kids who understand how things work, as well as a built-in social group.
Looking back, how would you judge your sons' experience? Any tips on how to get information up front about what different fraternities on a particular campus are like? Can you get enough info to at least know which ones are at the Animal House end of the spectrum? Thanks!
Parent Replies
My son is a sophomore at UCLA and became a Sigma Chi pledge the first week of freshman year. He lives in the frat this year. He has loved his experience and wouldn't give it up for anything. It has given him a social group of people he really likes, has increased his confidence, and has brought out a more assertive side of him. From what I hear they are called "the gentleman of the row" (but do they all say that?). I think they have a service orientation. He says that there was no forced drinking and that pledges had to do things such as give up a meal swipe, provide gum, or clean up after parties. On at least one night, they stayed up all night and had a scavenger hunt. I personally think they do way too much drinking and have so many requirements that my son is often exhausted. (He is also an engineering major and is involved in two other demanding clubs.) I worry about the drinking, and have my fingers crossed that he will survive it. I had a relative involved in SAE at UCLA recently. I was more worried about the stories I heard from his pledge period. What we did was talk to my son at length before he went to college about the pros and cons. He had asked us to do this since my husband was an SAE in college. We talked about the dangers of drinking, the signs of overdrinking, consent, sexuality, bystander syndrome etc. We check in with him about this from time to time. The university also does its own training on this at orientation and online before he started, He also attended a frat training on these topics. My son is a good communicator overall. Although I'm sure I am not hearing everything, he has been able to talk to us about his school experience in general and frat in particular. I think they do do stupid things (that can be fun for them) and there probably are some archaic ideas about women (which I hope my son is able to discredit) ---the danger is of a toxic male environment-- where one can not have feelings, or limits or authenticity. I don't think my son is experiencing this. It is an important time for him to sort out his values on this and find his place among all these influences. And I encourage him to be able to verbalize where he stands on it. We are white and I want him to be able to find a positive white, male identity that is not apologetic, nor defensive, lost or violent. Im not sure a frat is the best place for that, but it is a part of his picture and I am working with him on it, judiciously as he goes along.