Six year old's fear of the swimming pool

With all due respect I think you are being way too pushy.  I've done similar things with to my kids are regretted it latter.  As parents this is something we all do.  Take a moment to re-read your post.  Does he really drive you mad?  Did you threaten him with no birthday party and then try to bribe him with candy and TV?  I hope you agree you are really applying a lot of pressure on 6-year-old to do something instinctively his brain is telling him not to do.  For whatever the reason, (water up his nose, leaking googles, a scary TV show movie, or story or brain development your son just isn't read today.   In my high school days, I use to teach swimming and the caution or fear your son is exhibiting is quite normal.  Give him the time to developed the confidence to do it on his own.  I remember the parents who pressured their kids took longer.  I have seen kids where for weeks they refuse so we just let them do what they like torpedo and then "snap" one day they just do it.  When he’s ready, he’ll have the confidence and just do it.

Couple of things to build his confidence.  Do you know the "Motor Boat. Motor Boat go so slow" game to get your son to blow bubbles in the water through his mouth and nose.  (This works really well and kids have fun doing it.)  The goal is to get him use to putting part of his face in the water.  You could try a face mask, (not goggles) so his nose is covered.

At this point I think you’ve done all you can.
 

There’s a TED talk which might help you out with this.  It’s about how humans go about training dogs in the wrong way but he applies it to teaching kids.  https://www.ted.com/talks/ian_dunbar_on_dog_friendly_dog_training?language=en

Hope this helps.

I'm in the same boat as you so curious to see what other parents say!

Who cares that he doesn't swim? Other than you, because you are wasting your money on pool membership. When he really feels the peer pressure, he'll maybe make an effort. I just don't see this as something worth fighting him on. (also agree about the bribery coming back to bite you later on when he expects it at every tough thing in his life)

I think you should back off for a little bit. My kids did lessons at the Y forever but it wasn't until they actually played in the water that they felt more confident -- playing in the swimming hole at Berkeley Tuolumne Camp (sob!), going to the pool with friends, that sort of thing. Later on when they needed to improve a stroke they'd do some lessons, but I think that the stress of the "lesson" and doing everything right was counter productive. Once I loosened up (obviously SAFELY) it became more fun and they got better.

My son is a teenager now, but he sounds a lot like yours. He has what we call a "closed mind set." He is reluctant to try new things; learning new things is hard mostly because if he has to work at it, or if he "fails," he thinks he's just no good at it and is reluctant to try again. Here's a little info to help him (and you!): https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/01/29/carol-dweck-mindset/

Hope this helps

Hello,

I felt compelled to respond to your post because you wrote that your son won't even put his face in the water. Though I didn't have problem with my children, I saw myself in your kid.This is my story: at the age of 7, my parents put me in a swimming class, and I was too scared and couldn't put my face in the water. I remember thinking of that vast "body of water" swallowing me and the feeling of not being able to see where I was stepping. At the age of 15, very embarrassed, I registered for a swimming class. I was able to swim, but no, I couldn't put my face in the water, unless I really closed my eyes and still, for a few seconds. Finally, at the age of 18-19 (?), I joined another beginning swimming class, this time, with adults, and in a heated swimming pool. There, I swam "like a fish." My instructors praised me all the time; I could swim for 90 minutes without feeling tired. Why was my experience successful and positive in the last time? I guess I needed more time (and maturity?) to not be afraid of being in the water. Perhaps the temperature helped because the feeling of cold water was just too much (the water wasn't actually cold; that was my perception). I hope my story helps understand how people react to being in the water. It may not be your child's situation and I wish you good luck!

I'd like to pass on the advice I got when my kids were young: Canyon Pool in El Sobrante. I know there are other wonderful programs closer to home, but this program gets kids in the water and swimming like no other. The teachers are adults, experienced, and well-trained. One day I arrived late and was rushing, and one of my kids ended up in tears (I know, not a great parenting moment), but his amazing teacher got him the water and swimming anyway. They don't push kids, just help them get comfortable. I can't say enough good about Canyon.

In response to other posts: I agree that one needs to avoid pushing kids before they're ready, but I also think swimming is an essential life skill.

Having been terrified of the water as a child,  I can relate to your son's fears.   Putting my face in the water was a HUGE accomplishment.   When it came time to teach our daughter to swim, i noticed that she did much better with an instructor than with me.  It became something of a power struggle.  If i left her with the teacher and walked away, she did much better.  Not only was I scared of the water, I also have the kind of temperament that doesn't like trying new things and is generally prone to anxiety.  "trying harder" falls on deaf ears.  I would also recommend that you stop making it so important.  He has a personality type, which is often hardwired in biology and you cant change that.   Learning will be its own reward, bribes send the wrong message.  Not that I am against rewards, but it needs to be structured and recognition of progress.  If he is willing to get in the pool, that at least is progress and you should let him know so.    Let him play in the pool in what ever way he wants; that will help him feel more comfortable without any pressure.  It was well into my adulthood before I could be at all comfortable in the water;  I couldnt pass the swim test for High School.  I now scuba dive and was recently snorkeling in a large body of water.    So, give him some space and time.

It sounds like coercive tactics aren't working with your child. I've had two kids learning to swim. We started when they were "older" (age 5+) and signed them up for repetitive, daily classes at our City's recreation center. The instructors are well trained young people, not volunteers, and the program has been very effective. Our youngest was reluctant but once at the class, she was ushered into her class group and she was fine. It helped that we took a step back and let the pool staff do their thing. Both girls aren't the best swimmers but they take six to eight weeks of daily classes each summer and are slowly progressing-- the eldest at age 11 can swim, and is getting quite comfortable in deep water, and the youngest (age 8) can also swim but feels most comfortable in shallow water.

I struggled to learn to swim as a kid and I think it was because my parents tried to teach me themselves and they used coercive tactics. Once I had regular opportunities to be in the pool (age 12) I learned pretty quickly but have never been a strong swimmer. Our youngest daughter is extremely strong willed and while we often try to cajole/bribe/bully her into doing certain things despite our best selves, swimming and other learning activities have not been places where we've found these techniques to help. Honestly, they backfire and she can really dig in... we've seen this with music class. 

It is difficult when our own egos get involved in our children's activities/achievements. I've really struggled with this issue when it comes to music class-- my youngest is a decently talented musician but she prefers kicking back to practicing her instrument, and the results in her class and in her performance are mixed. I was getting so frustrated with her, and starting to act out against and with her, then I took a step back and realized how childish *I* was being due to my own ego and other personal issues. She and I talked about it and I gave her a choice about whether to continue music instruction. She's chosen to continue, and I'm resolved to try to chill out. My best advice is to perhaps take a break until next year, set up formalized regular instruction swim instruction perhaps in a group setting so he is among peers, and save the battling.

Hi,

Your post reminded me of my daughter when she was the same age. She used to cry everytime she was asked to enter the pool. She just refused and we gave up. Fast forward to age 8. She forced us to take her swimming because all her friends could. By age 12 she was swimming laps. By high school, she was teaching little kids how to conquer their fears in the water. So, I would recommend that you leave your kid alone and wait for him to grow a bit. In the meanwhile, if your kid is willing to try other activities, he may gain more courage. My daughter learned to ice skate, ski and ride a bike before she swam. Even playing soccer would help strenghten the leg muscles in the meanwhile. Good luck!!

My son  and I went through this, though not to the degree you're going through it. I told him that learning to swim was a requirement in our family, because of safety issues.  He would never have to swim on a team or anything, but he needed to be competent  in the water.  When he was still resisting after that conversation, I simply asked him, "Are you tired of talking about this?"  He said that yes, of course he was. I told him I was tired of talking about it, too. Then I said, "The sooner you learn to swim, the sooner we can stop talking about this and move on. How's that for a deal?" And you know what? He did it the next month. 

Hi - Swimming is a great skill to learn as it covers safety around water, opens many future opportunities (swim team, water polo, snorkeling, diving, being comfortable in bodies of water, on rafts, boats, etc.), and is a skill that can provide life long exercise.  I encourage you not to give up on having him learn to swim.  If you can afford private swim lessons which an instructor that has experience with those reluctant to put their face in the water, it may be worth trying.  There may be a bit of a power struggle between you and your son at this point, so a 3rd party may make more progress.  Also, I have found that if I am super positive such as "It is hard to try something new, but I know you can do it".  If he hasn't put his face in the water with goggles on, he might like it once he tries it.  Goggles were the reason my kids finally put their faces in the water.  Somehow they did it at swim lessons and once they found they could see underwater they were sold on the idea.  I encourage you to find a summer swim team next year (they start registration in Feb/Mar time frame and practice Apr-Jul) with a team that does not require try-outs and is okay with kids who will initially limp along through practice and even at meets (our team has kids hanging on the lane line all the way down the lane during competition, by the end of the season, they can swim on their own).  Swim team practice is every day, 5 days a week for 30-45 mins. (but many teams require a minimum of 3x/week). With that much practice, kids learn to swim much faster.  My kids were reluctant swim team members to say the least.  We did bribe them with a major electronic toy if they would join and commit until they were 14 yo. or found another sport they wanted to do (they never did find another sport and are still swimming both rec and high school swim teams at 15 yo) As youngsters, they complained all the way to practice and back for the first 3-4 years, but once at the pool they participated in practice without complaining.  They had no interest in racing the other kids, they would line up at the start of a race, jump in and swim.  I think at a young age, it was too much pressure/anxiety to focus on trying to beat the kids in their heat, but from time to time they started wanting to better their own times.  Swim team has room for those who are super competitive to those who want to beat just their own time. Now, because my kids are strong swimmers, they have swam with dolphins in the middle of the ocean after being dropped from a boat, snorkeled, are on their school swim team and water polo team.  They now identify with being a strong swimmers and are very happy to have this skill.  The swim team community, both rec swim and high school swim, is a very positive and encouraging environment.  Good luck.  Keep encouraging him and in time, he will learn to swim.

my son started at 5 about a year ago at aquatech in alameda - weekly perpetual lessons. he was also nervous about putting his face in the water. I can't say enough good things about the staff were understanding and patient with his wailing. it went on for about 6 weeks but once he put his face in the water he had such a great sense of accomplishment. a big part of the early lessons is to just get them comfortable with being in the water and having fun. it's not cheap but a worthy investment to develop a life skill - I can't swim myself (really bad experience at swim lesson when I was about 6-7), so I don't want my kids to be in my situation. I plan on keeping them in weekly lessons until they can swim confidently. I like that part of the training is to have them jump in and then swim back to the wall as a safety thing. like any lessons sometimes kids may learn best from someone other than us. maybe give it a try for a month, or just take him there to observe (there will be other kids wailing there, so he'll know it's not unusual to be afraid of the water)? (btw I don't work for them! just a happy parent). 

I had a similar experience with my daughter when she was 3. Cried like crazy when I washed her hair and water got in her face even as an infant. I started her with swimming lessons at 3, and she would not put her face in the water. She even cried when they dribbled water over her head the first time to get her use to water on her face. She was so miserable after 3 lessons that I felt it wasn't worth it and pulled her out. I figured if she wanted to learn how to swim she would let me know. She's now 24 and never did. She's an adult and can take lessons on her own. I would not push it...it's not such a big deal. It saved me money and time. I was forced to take swimming lessons as a child too and hated it. Back in those days you never questioned your parents so I just did it. I was always fearful of deep water and never really became comfortable in the water even tho at Berkeley High back in the 60's/70's, everyone had to take swimming and pass the beginner test. I finally did but never stepped into a pool again. I did not pass on my fear/dislike of swimming to my kids ( my son knows how to swim), but it's just not important to me. There are plenty of other things to do. My daughter also marches to a different drummer and never cares what other people think of her. If it doesn't bother her, it doesn't bother me. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

you can practice the face in the water thing by playing at blowing bubbles in the tub at bathtime. but what it sounds like you really need is to get i=him into swim lessons. Canyon swim school in El Sobrante is great. it is a bit out of the way but many parents from the Berkeley area bring their kids there with great results.

I'll tell you my experience. My husband and I were both natural-born swimmers and couldn't understand why our son freaked out at the pool from the very first time we had him near one (around 3-4 months old). We waited until he was a little bit older but he'd resist even putting his feet in the water. My husband wanted to push the issue more than I did (it caused us a few arguments) and signed my son up for classes which usually ended up with us attending without ever getting into the water. We'd wait and try again every 6 months only to have the scenario repeat. There were usually many, many (unnecessary) tears. We didn't understand how it could possibly be that our son was just wasn't ready! My husband tried bribes and cajoling and did this more times that I'd like to admit before we both wizened up. By the time my son was 3 or 4 we realized we needed that pushing the issue was only making my son feel bad about himself and so we completely backed off and left it a non-issue. Then, last year, when my son went from age 6 to 7 and all of his friends were starting to have pool parties or be on swim teams his own motivation kicked in. He asked to be enrolled in a beginner swim class and it took him 2 weeks to achieve a proficiency that he had 8 weeks to learn. He was so proud of his final day of swim and jumped off the diving board 11 times. He is now 8 and has been an exuberant swimmer all year. As parents we have to learn a lot of things as we go along and it can be hard to see when something that for us came naturally is not so natural for our child. It taught us that our son is more of his own person than we realized (!). Stop the bribing, there are times to push and times to back off. If you are worried about his safety explain to him how you want him to behave in order to be safe when he is around water and leave it at that. I hope things smooth out for you and that it gets easier. 

I could have written this at the beginning of the summer. We were in the exact same place with my 6-year-old. He is very strong-willed and no amount of bribery, gentle threats or cajoling can make him do anything he doesn't want to do. My husband and I had been trying to teach him to swim (or even get his head near the water) for close to 2 years with NO success. So we decided to get him private swim lessons at Canyon Swim School. I'm sure other swim schools besides Canyon are great, but you need a swim school with well-trained teachers rather than a neighborhood pool. The private lessons are expensive, but we wanted him to be able to work at his own pace without pressure or lagging way behind the other kids in a group class. It was the right move! We described our son's personality type to the manager and requested a teacher that would be a good fit for him.

The lessons have been paying off, and he is now submerging his head under water, doing front floats, etc. I really think he'll be swimming by the end of the summer, which is miraculous to me considering where he was just 6 weeks ago. Good luck!