Eviction of sibling in their 50s - what to do
I have a sibling in his 50s who is being evicted from his apartment for not paying rent for a couple of years - however the inability to afford his place is a 20 year problem. This sibling had a serious brain injury years ago and although he can pass for a functioning person, he isn't and can't hold a job and has serious anger issues. He always thinks his next get rich quick scheme will solve the problem. I will not give him any money because it's pointless. Also he caused huge financial injury to my elderly parents and finally got into legal trouble because of it.
But I feel for him. We had a rough childhood behind that middle-class exterior as many do, and I know it wasn't easy for him (nor any of us). But he has in the past been vicious to me. He is untrustworthy, unstable and self-destructive and slightly paranoid.
I wonder what can be done to help someone in his situation. From what I understand, once the eviction is on his record, he won't be able to rent elsewhere. I doubt he has good credit history anyway as he hasn't regularly worked. I've been toying if I should offer to co-sign for a new lease, or even buy him a small senior condo up in Oregon where they are more affordable (I found one less than 100k with low hoa). I have a bit of extra money because I live very carefully. But I also know he has never appreciated any help I have given him, he promises to pay back loans and never does, he can become threatening and vicious. He just as likely will say he doesn't like the area and move out leaving me with the condo. Nor does he acknowledge the financial destruction he caused my parents.
As I write this I realize if I help I'll end up disappointed as always. I know he has to face these problems now himself. But I also realize the housing market is so tight now and with an eviction, I don't know if he'll ever have a stable place to live again.
He's begging me to help him yet again and this time he really will become homeless. Honestly I feel bad. Any ideas or places that may be able to help him?
Parent Replies
I feel like I could have written this message about my younger sibling who was facing eviction earlier this spring. I actually chose to extract myself from the situation, and have no idea what ended up happening or where my sibling landed. I could find out, but for my own mental health I have not followed up. (We are new parents and already overwhelmed with our day to day life.) It is extremely painful knowing that any help I give will not be "enough." I really feel for you and hope you find a more satisfactory solution than I did, or at least one that you can live with.
Supportive housing? Our family bought a condo for a relative with mental health problems. It was a good investment in terms of their stability. If you think your relative could stay in the condo without doing something that would get him evicted that sounds like a good idea. Maybe talk to a social worker? Jewish Family Services has some -- I know about it for elder relatives, but maybe they can also help with a relative with a mental health problem.
You should talk to a lawyer about how best to handle this. Housing issues are so complicated, especially combined w/ disability or age!
This is difficult I am certain. Given what you wrote I wouldn’t co sign anything. You could either buy him something as you say in Oregon or agree to pay his rent somewhere such as in a small studio.m so you are in control of your own finances and credit. It seems you would not feel right leaving him to homelessness. You also seem to know though he is an adult he has limitations given his brain injury. Expecting him to make it on his own seems unrealistic. If you help you have to be resigned that he may not show the appreciation you want and just know you are doing the compassionate and morally right thing
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I know how you feel! For what it's worth, I faced a somewhat similar situation with a family member. He just had never taken any financial responsibility, and then was almost homeless. I know you didn't ask for help with your own feelings, but I wanted to put this out there: You're right -- at the end of the day, he is at least somewhat responsible for his situation (brain injury notwithstanding), and even if in theory he's not -- that doesn't mean you "have to" relate to him in ways that would hurt you. I think if you want to help it would be best for you to do that with a crystal-clear understanding and acceptance of the fact that he won't respond in a way that is genuinely respectful and loving. Quite the opposite, it sounds like. But if you expect absolutely nothing in return, it can make giving a little easier. In my situation, I had to come to terms with the fact that if I rescued my family member, it would mean serious hardship for me, and if I watched him become homeless, that would be extremely painful -- but there would be pain either way, and I'd rather have the pain of watching someone fall vs the pain of carrying someone who was never really willing to carry himself. Something else that helped in my case was the insight that I COULD help, even if only a little. I couldn't rescue anyone, but I could still offer some help, at a level that didn't hurt me. I know it's hard, though. It really is painful. I expect you'll get some good suggestions for things that could help him, and I hope he seeks that help!
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I don't have direct experience with it but I follow the good work of Shelter Inc. and from reading their newsletter you might start by calling 211. "'211' is a county-based agency in more than 200 counties across the country that serves as a point of entry for services such as homelessness. Once a person engages with 211, they are referred to the county’s Coordinated Entry System that triages and prioritizes the unhoused and at-risk of becoming unhoused for access to housing and homeless services. This is the primary referral point through which participants are referred to enter our programs."
Well, ion he has a brain injury that is a medical condition which explains the paranoia and anger,. It's tuff! he'll likely never be grateful, or show it at least, but... I would help him as much as you can.... not expecting anything in return,.
I'm so sorry you are in the middle of such a difficult situation. It sounds like it's been going on for a long time, and is not likely to change without some impetus to change.
I am not a mental health professional, but I have lived experience with a family member with mental health issues. I wonder if your sibling is living with undiagnosed mental health problems. If you'd like to explore that potential, I recommend you connect with your local NAMI chapter. NAMI can provide support for you, as you navigate the situation and explore best ways to support your sibling, as well as your sibling. The first hurdle may be his willingness to even consider getting assessed and help. Also look into what the Health and Human Services and Housing departments of the county your sibling lives in offers. His local HHS may have programs to support his needs, including support in addressing his housing crisis.
If your sibling does have an undiagnosed mental health problem, and receives a diagnosis, he may be eligible for government support at the local, state, and federal level.
Even as you sound worn out by this, I sense that you are loving and compassionate. You can love him and support him without his needs negatively impacting you and the quality of your life. I wish you much support in this journey.