Envious stepdaughter

Ugh, this sort of seemingly innocuous but actually quite aggressive interaction drives me nuts!  I unfortunately saw it in my own family in the interaction between my half-siblings and my mom (though sometimes they were less subtle, alas).  One strategy that might work (though honestly she sounds pretty entitled) is to recall a specific time in your own life in which you definitely could not afford nice shoes and whatever deferred gratification strategy you employed - setting money aside for clothes, forgoing another luxury - to eventually get them.  I remember my dad mentioning that he couldn't afford a warm coat in college and how he used to get so cold walking up the hill to class -- that always stuck with me.  That sort of behavior could be a huge model for her, if she chooses to heed it.

Yep, I'd find this uncomfortable too. It does sound like part of the problem is that you're not on board with the ongoing financing arrangements (it would probably bother me), and part of it is that she's being a bit passive aggressive, and maybe ungrateful. Let's assume all this is true. I agree that not letting it bother you is the goal but sometimes getting there requires that you express yourself about what's bothering you. My two cents is, say something kindly and without a big guilt trip. After all, the gifts given to her are not her "fault," AND, the end result you want is harmony and peace in the family.  You could say something like this, very gently and warmly, sometime when others aren't in earshot: "Sally, something's been on my mind and I wondered if I could share this with you. I really value my relationship with you, and (extra gently now) something's been happening in our interaction that's felt kind of weird to me, and rather than just pretend it's not there, I thought asking you about it was the best way to keep our relationship strong. It's happened more than once that you've admired something I'm wearing -- which is kind and makes me feel good! But then sometimes you've said this thing -- 'I wish I could afford' that.' It's just an innocent thing, I know. But when you say that, I feel a little jab in my heart -- like maybe you feel shortchanged by your dad and me. And that's tough because we've shared a lot of love and support, and I guess I'd like to know that this is felt by you, and appreciated." When you've said your piece, she may minimize your perception and deny she meant anything negative. I suggest you let her have this "out" and tell her warmly that you are just glad to know that. At least you've expressed yourself, and at least she's had a chance to hear that her words hurt you. For the record though, receiving ongoing support as she has does not always bring out the best in people. 

Well, you are definitely painting a picture of her as entitled and rude.  I personally would not have a sit-down conversation about it - it might stop her from making the comments but someone with these qualities will likely get upset with you and cause drama that will be more annoying than her original behavior.  I would simply stop answering her questions about where you bought your shoes, etc.  Just start being very vague, "Oh these... hmm I can't quite remember" and then change the subject.  If you just don't engage then the line of questioning will eventually stop.  Good luck!

I'm wondering if she isn't envious of you, but just envious in general. It's fairly common for young people to say things like that; my 31 year old quite successful son does that too at times. Part of it is a mild expectation that the parent will maybe treat her to a little something like shopping at J.Crew, and a part of it is just that living without extra money to splurge on is difficult and because you're a parent, it's comfortable for her to lament to you. You segue into being worried about her financial circumstances, and frankly, it's her turn to make ends meet as best she can. My son has times of financial crisis, and I'm always willing to help out as I can, because for me, it's "what I do". Some parents aren't like that. Tell you the truth, I do buy my son extravagant gifts he can't afford sometimes. He really appreciates it and when I can afford it, it's a nice thing to do. Again, that's just me. In the end, I'd say in response, "Yeah, that's too bad, but I'm sure if you sought out a higher paying job (or whatever it is that is causing her financial tension) you could". Seriously, I would. 

There are lots of ways of dressing nicely if you like to bargain hunt, or find slightly used items -- ebay, the realreal, Nordstrom's Rack, outlet stores.  And, JCrew has amazing sales.  I did that for many years before arriving at a more secure financial place, and I still love to find a bargain.  What if you said something like "I've heard you can find treasures at [name of discount store/ebay]!  Or suggest following jcrew on line until they have the next big sale?  Bigger picture, I'd say let it go. She sounds immature and a bit entitled and there's probably not much you can say that would change things.  

I see parallels with co-workers/friends-- I've worked at non-profits, and have seen folks with equal student debt and salaries save or struggle, depending on how they live /spend. As a child of immigrants, I had no problem with multiple roommates post-grad school, a Craigslist mattress, driving a 15-year-old car, etc. But I've had co-workers and and a close friend who just couldn't do it (in their words), and were willing to live paycheck-to-paycheck, go into credit card debt, or take financing from parents, to maintain their lifestyle.   
What I noticed was that all of these co-workers/friends were white and from upper-middle-class families. I think it was hard for them to grapple living with significantly less than what they'd been raised with. I'd also guess conversations about money and saving happened less often than how I was raised. (I married a white guy whose father was a doctor, and he is mortified whenever my parents automatically ask "How much did you pay?" whenever we purchase something. To me, this is completely normal.) 

I know many Americans find it rude to talk about money, but it's a big part of life. If your step-daughter finds it appropriate to comment on how you spend your money, it's an opportunity to talk about money. Talk about how much you paid for something vs. what you  paid for similar items when you were a recent graduate, % of your salary you're saving, when you started saving for retirement. Talk about the upside/trade-offs of taking the non-dream job. Point out that if a major expense is housing, having 1-2 roommates could cut that expense significantly. If you're worried about her financial circumstances, tell her-- and emphasize that you're saying it because you care about her.

BTW, two co-workers/friends that I'm thinking of moved beyond their 2-year-post-grad school situation by either getting married or moving into the private sector. Keep in mind that your stepdaughter's current financial position will most likely change as she gets older. However, it's always a good idea to live within your means, and getting an "allowance" certainly doesn't speed up the process.

Also BTW, Thredup.com has a lot of J. Crew and Banana Republic clothing! That's where I get my fix for consignment "nice" clothing :). Good luck! 

What about saying something like "Oh, I remember those days of not being able to buy anything new and panicking every time my car needed to be serviced. But once you get your career established you'll have more disposable income and your financial situation will get easier." I'd ignore the fact that she'll never be able to support herself in her chosen profession, let her figure that one out. You can always help her redirect herself once she's ready to start acting like an adult and making some money. 

In my opinion, you and your husband and her mother pay for far too much. Why would she get a decent paying job if she knows that her parents will always pick up the slack? It's time to kick her out of the nest and force her to face reality unless you're planning on supporting her forever.

My other piece of advice would be to stop interpreting what she's saying as anything other than what she's saying. The subtext may still be there but you don't need to acknowledge it. There's really nothing wrong with someone who's broke saying that they wish that they could shop where you do. You don't need to overanalyze it and read any kind of statement into it that she's being treated unfairly. If that's how she really feels, she can say that and you all can have a discussion about expectations and the importance of being an independent adult. My dad used to tell us that we weren't going to inherit anything from him because he was going to spend it all in his retirement so we better plan for our own. 

The fact that she's choosing to live alone also contributes to her not being able to shop. That's not your problem. What is your problem is that her bio parents feel the need to pay her expenses so that she can live alone. In my opinion that's ridiculous and I'm pretty shocked that they're spoiling her so badly. At what point do they expect her to be able to support herself? Never? What is going to happen when some jobless guy moves in with her and gets her pregnant? Are her parents planning on supporting an entire family for the rest of their lives? People whose parents pay for them often don't consider how expensive it is to raise a child and get pregnant anyway. What then?

Try your best not to get so irritated. She's made bad choices and she needs to live with them. Stand your ground. And of course your husband doesn't think that this should bother you, he's responsible for spoiling her so badly that she acts like this!

That is super annoying and I understand why it bothers you especially given how generous you and your husband and her mother have been.If you say something it will surely cause more trouble than it is worth and it sounds like you don't see her very often anyway. This isn't about you, she is not questioning your right to have nice things. This is about her own insecurities. I suspect that she does not feel that great about herself that she is in her 30's and is still so financially dependent on her parents. Her financial dependence is what I would be really bothered about. You say it doesn't bother you but I'm not so sure. You have to think about your own retirement and such and let her start to figure out how to support herself.

As someone who works in a dream job that pays very little, I cannot shop anywhere I want.  But I also know that I get a lot of satisfaction and joy from my job and that many many people aren't lucky enough to be able to say that.  Some people truly hate their work but do it because they have no other options. I truly think it is a privilege to have a job that I find so fulfilling and anytime I lament my salary I remind myself of how lucky I am.  Perhaps you can come up with a response that reminds her that she is in a similar situation, something like: 'yes, its tough that your job is so low paying, but I really admire that you have made the choice you have made to go with a job that gives you so so much satisfaction and fulfillment. I can see the joy you get in your job and very few people I know have that same joy."  The other thing I will say - You say that she is immature and a bit self-centered.  Perhaps she really doesn't mean, and doesn't realize, that these comments could be interpreted as an implicit commentary on your or your spouse's generosity (or whatever else) and she is truly ONLY saying that she likes your shoes and wishes she could purchase them.   Maybe start with that assumption and stick with it until you have concrete evidence otherwise.  Otherwise you will continue to be bothered.  Best of luck.

If it really bothers you, you can tell her that it does and ask her to refrain. But it seems like the resentment is about something much bigger than her comments--your resentments about her financial life and your role in it--and I suspect such a conversation could easily escalate into that terrain. So I'd ask myself, what is the conversation I really want to have, and don't want to have, with this person that I have to be in relationship with? 

How about a very cheery, "You could totally afford this! All you need is a job that supports that lifestyle."

As I daresay other BPN readers won't be able to resist pointing out, your stepdaughter may be sweet, but she is a spoiled brat. This sort of repeated remark is so adolescent and manipulative. (Does she try it on others?) If you don't mind getting confrontational--I hate it, but sometimes force myself--look this precious girl right in the eye and tell her, politely but firmly, to stop. "I wish you could, too, darling. Now please don't pay me this sort of compliment again. You made certain decisions about your career, and things like shoes from Nordstrom are the price you pay for those choices." If she tries it again, remind her that you already had this conversation. (And she should certainly find a roommate and pay for her own damn cell phone, car insurance, and travel expenses.) As a stepmother myself, I know that the parents have more say-so, but they have not been helpful to their daughter. Technically speaking, she's an adult and should be acting like one.

Hi there,

So sorry your step daughter is not pleased with her life but from where I stand she is the one with so much more. Her comments are rude and disrespectful.  You've given her a lot and shouldn't be subjected to her comments.  It sounds like she is suffering from "entitlementism" or back in the day it was called being a spoiled princess. She lives a dream world while working her dream job. Maybe it's time all the parents get together and say " daughter we'd love you but we need to taper off our financial support." Maybe get her a career coach, and budgeting skills courses. You said you're 50's worried about her having savings. If you keep supporting her you and your husband might not have a retirement fund one day. And finally the next time she makes her"I wish I could do "x" or have "y" kindly tell her to work harder, save, and she too can shop in J.Crew one day when she earns the money.

She may act entitled, but trust me, she's aware that you're supporting her extensively. She probably feels super awkward about this and is not sure what kinds of strings are attached to this arrangement. It's made double-hard by the fact that there is no end in sight, i.e. she'll never break 40k, so unless she finds someone else to subsidize her or gives up the job, this is it. For the rest of her life. 

Ugh. What a terrible bind for someone who was probably (based on generation) indoctrinated hard in the "follow your dreams/do what you love" bullshit as a child. Sounds like continued financial support never allowed her to get disabused of this notion, or find a way to compromise with the financial realities of the world. But the truth is this may reflect her parent's values, and sound like they are continuing to transmit this to her via cash. 

And so, I wonder if you and her dad are on the same page about what kind of support is appropriate? And relatedly, what you think is the appropriate way for you to relate to her? Sounds like you have a lot of frustration with her lifestyle, and she is probably picking up on that even if you try to hide it, or picking up on any dissonance between you and her dad. I think she's trying to gain sympathy from you / signal that she still does "need" your support, and so maintain the current arrangement.

So my advice is basically, to put the poor girl out of her misery. Decide whether or not you are okay with this financial arrangement or not, including all the emotional baggage that either option implies. Get on the same page as her dad about what you will and will not do, going forward. And then be straight with her. Tell her where you stand, where she stands with you. Let her know that you love her (if you do), that you want her to be happy (if you do), that you're proud of her (if you are), and that the support either will or will not continue, regardless of whatever hints she drops. Tell her what strings are attached (there are always strings). You can tell her straight it makes you feel awkward when she comments on your amount of money, and that you should leave talks about your financial arrangement there. 

And then let it go. Act about it the way you want her to act.